Make Sure He’s Still There
At approximately 12am the other night my husband woke me up with the following 2 sentences:
Can you go check on Baby MPB? Just make sure he’s still there.
I think he said some other stuff, but truthfully as soon as I heard make sure he’s still there, my mind stopped. I know the chances of him being kidnapped from our house are relatively low (rather astronomically low), but it’s still my biggest fear. I feel like I could handle almost anything else in life, but literally loosing baby MPB is the one thing I don’t think I’d survive. I realize the kidnapped from his bed fear is irrational. And I realize I have absolutely no reason to let this fear occupy space in my mind. But let’s be honest, if fears were rational then they wouldn’t really be a fear, now would they?
Because I realize this fear isn’t rational in an attempt to help manage/over come it, on numerous occasions I have articulated it to Mr. MPB. My theory is that if I articulate it and talk about it I’ll make it normal and less of a fear.
Well, needless to say, I’m not sure what Mr. MPB was thinking when he said just make sure he’s still there. I don’t know if he was half asleep, having a bad dream himself or just decided he knew I’d react to that sentence. But, I do need to point out that Mr. MPB always has the video monitor through the night whereas I just rely on sound. So, while saying to me just make sure he’s still there , Mr. MPB had the video monitor in his hand. I honestly don’t know what he was thinking!!
Anyways, those words ensured that I instantly shot out of bed. I went straight into Baby MPB’s room, faster then I ever thought possible, successfully witnessed that he was still there and in the process woke him up. Both Mr. MPB and I spent the next hour consoling and calming what was a nicely sleeping baby.
Eventually, Baby MPB and Mr. MPB both went back to sleep.
I on the other hand spent the remainder of the night wide awake imagining gut-wrenching awful thoughts of my son not being there.
By the time the morning came around, I made the decision that our 90lbs dog is not a good enough security system. So ive decided to get a home security system (which are relatively rare for people to have in my part of the world). Rational or not, and possibly a waste of money, I am hoping it will help manage my irrational fear.
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