Mixed Emotions

Mother’s Day, like father’s day and valentines day, etc. are all what I like to call “Hallmark” made-up days.. Yes, they are fun excuse to tell people we love them, but I also am a firm believer that we should be telling and showing people our love on a regular/daily basis.

And for me, I have to admit, I almost don’t like Mother’s Day. Truthfully, it just brings up so many emotions for me that it’s not a blissfully happy day in my world.

Yes, I am beyond thankful that Little MPB made me a mom. Absolutely, completely beyond thankful. As in, I cannot even for a second imagine not being his mom. He seriously has completed our family in a way I almost never thought would be possible. And so this Mother’s Day, just like the last few, we will spend the day as a family, and Mr. MPB and I will both soak-up all the happiness and wonder that Little MPB brings to our lives. And yes, knowing how close I was to never becoming a mother to a living child, I will hold him a little extra tight and thank my lucky stars for him. (Truthfully, I thank my lucky stars every single day for him and I hug him tighter then he’d prefer most days).

But the truth is, Mother’s Day is just another reminder that I do not have a mother in my life anymore and I never will. It’s been over 20 years since I last talked to my mom or had a hug from her. And, yet, after all this time, the little girl in me still just misses her mom.

And, Mother’s Day also reminds me that of the experiences and grief that came along with loosing multiple babies before they were able to take their first breaths.

And, even more, Mother’s Day reminds me of all the years I dreamed of becoming a mother, the years I wished to have a living baby in my arms. The years we hid from society just to avoid the day. The years no-one acknowledged our lost babies and our breaking hearts, and the fact that no-ones still acknowledges our lost babies. My heart breaks for all of those who know these feelings and for those who are still waiting and for those who cannot hold their children. So this weekend, I want to send my love to all mothers, but especially to those mother’s who will be overlooked again this year.

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6 Comments on “Mixed Emotions

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I often wonder if this holiday how this holiday will/would affect me after becoming a mother to an actual child. Hoping you have a great day with your family.

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  2. I’m of a similar mindset about showing the people we love our hearts regularly, not just on the days designated by random chance. We’ve started doing donations to groups like that post bond for POC who are parents so they can be with their kids, or a friend whose life’s work is to build a hospital in Uganda to treat and prevent fistulas. I feel like celebrating the idea of mothering, caring for each other, and crushing the patriarchy is a really good way to put a positive turn on it (and my mama loves it too).

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  3. I’m the same. Not really looking forward to it. The gifts seem like an afterthought if there are any (which I almost prefer not to get) and the whole atmosphere seems fake. I’m just so not into it.

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  4. I have a lot of mixed feelings about Mother’s Day, too. My mother is still living, but the two of us have never had a typical mother/daughter relationship. My parents divorced when I was 9, and I lived with my father thereafter, with periodic visits with my mom. We actually get along way better now than we did when I was growing up, and many of the sentiments I read in Hallmark cards do not ring true for our relationship AT ALL. I view her more as a fun, quirky aunt in many ways than a parent.

    Anyway. . . all this to say, I don’t understand exactly how you feel because I haven’t suffered the same loss, but I do know what it’s like to feel ambivalent about this holiday.

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  5. My mother has been dead for 58 years. I am much older than she ever was and the world is full of different problems…but humans are still human. I shall be lucky enough to see my living children and living grands this weekend. I am incredibly lucky.
    Vote always for kindness and always vote.

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