Will We Try Again?
Someone asked me a very interesting question when I mentioned the possibility of my gastrointestinal specialist finding the immunological cause for our losses. They asked:
You don’t have to answer this if you’re not comfortable…but if they DO find something that is related to your IF, and figure out how to “fix” it, do you think you will try growing your family?
Honestly, I had not even gone that far in my mind yet because I saw so many specialists, including my fantastic family doctor, a world renowned reproductive immunologist, a local amazing immunologist, multiple emergency room doctors, multiple local OBGYNs and multiple local reproductive endocrinologists through our losses that I find it hard to believe that I’ll actually get an answer now. I hope this newest doctor does find the answer, but honestly, I find it hard to believe anyone will.
So, now that the question has been asked, and without even talking to Mr. MPB about it (don’t worry we clearly will talk about this and make the decision together), my thought is no we wont try again the old fashioned way.
First, while we are hoping to get an easy, straight forward and treatable diagnosis, the reality is that may not be what I get. This doctor may not be able to figure it out any better then the last have. Which means I might still go undiagnosed. And, the scary thought is that I may get a scary, hard to treat, or even not treatable disease. I could have something that as I age will drastically impact my lifestyle and our family. But, we aren’t dwelling in that scary possibility, so moving on.
Secondly, Mr. MPB is 110% content with having one child. He has no desire to put ourselves through any emotional and/or financial pain to try again. Even though I long for another child, I have to agree that I don’t want to go through any more emotional pain or massive financial debt. And even trying again the old-fashioned may not bankrupt us, it may destroy us emotionally.
Thirdly, Little MPB. There is a lot of information out there about families with adopted children and biological children. I honestly don’t know what is right, but I do know that Little MPB’s wellbeing comes first. So, deciding to have a second child that shared our genetics while Little MPB doesn’t, isn’t that straight forward of a question. And honestly, if the science says there’s a significant risk to Little MPB’s long term mental health, we wouldn’t do it. Because of this, I truthfully think we’d be more likely to adopt a second time then to try the old fashioned way.
And lastly, knowing that 5 babies died solely because my body couldn’t nourish them and give them the life they needed (and deserved), I truly don’t think I’ll ever be willing to try again. Trying again isn’t just a matter of hoping a baby will survive. For me, it’s the mental health side of knowing that my body will very likely kill that baby. I cannot knowingly sign up for that. Honestly, I just cannot go there.
So, right now, my inclination is to say we are still one and done. But, the one thing I know in life is never say never.
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