I’m Not Hoping, Not This Time
My mother-in-law is co-hosting my in-laws baby shower (the same in-laws I wrote about here and here). I received the invite. Thankfully they live far enough away that I don’t even have to contemplate going as we simply do not have the disposable income to pay for the flights.
I’m over the fact that no sensitivity was shown to me and there was no acknowledgement of how a baby shower might be hard for me. I’ve come to expect this from this part of our family. Heck, I’ve come to expect this from most people in my real life as it seems that no-one realizes how hard this stuff can be for us – baby loss has scared me and almost no-one understands. In fact they all think that we have been cured now that we are adopting. I hate it, but I do go it.
And I’m not upset that they are having a baby shower, they should. Everyone should celebrate their child and spend at least one day being showered with love and happiness.
But, what I can say is that I feel surprisingly envious. I want a shower for our baby! While I do not like the idea of sitting around opening presents and cooing over onsies, I do want to be surrounded by love for our child, and for our growing family. I want to see our families be excited for us. Our babies deserves as much and quite frankly so do we!
I want someone in my life to offer to throw us a shower. But since we are adopting and there is no timeline, we have had no such offers and I suspect we won’t. Honestly, I think most people don’t know how to do the adoption baby shower because apparently adoption just makes everything a bit awkward and a bit different. Because how can you celebrate a new family member when you don’t have an arrival date?
I’m sad that my step-mom has not offered (although not surprised, she didn’t even help with my wedding shower).
I’m hurt that my mother-in-law is co-hosting the shower for her other daughter-in-law and hasn’t even mentioned a word about wanting to help us celebrate.
I’m sad and feeling sorry for us. Not only do we not get to experience so many things about having a baby the old fashioned way (i.e. breastfeeding and/or giving birth), but we also don’t get to experience our family and friends celebrating with us. I know we will get some gifts from friends and family (and I am beyond thankful for this), but we will not get an overwhelming celebration of love.
And honestly, as bad as this will probably make me sound, I’m frustrated that unlike most people, we will be fully footing the bill for all our baby stuff – we realize that there will be no shower where people will gift us some of the things we will need. In all likelihood there won’t be a big party to celebrate where we get to be overcome by the love we receive. So now we realize that not only are we going to spend an exurbanite amount of money just to afford to adopt, we are also going to have to spend a tonne of money just to get the needed baby stuff. (I know, I’m whining, kids are expensive and I should get used to that, but that’s not my point right now). And to be fair, even prior to seeing this invite, we’ve realized that a shower is unlikely so we’ve started buying stuff monthly to help offset the costs of all the baby stuff we will have to buy. Buying stuff was initially hard for us, but we are over it (mostly) and now realize that we actually need to start buying stuff now so that we can slowly spend the money rather than having to drop a bunch of money in an instant.
All I know right now is that I’m feeling jaded. We announced our adoption before they announced their pregnancy and not a word has been whispered about the possibility of celebrating our growing family. Instead with our announcement we got the have you tried everything? Maybe IVF will work. What about surrogacy? Will your child be black? Oh, and congratulations. These types of comments hurt and while we will move past them, we haven’t forgotten. And now, instead of having our family’s offer us support as we are stretching ourselves so thin to afford to adopt and going through anxiety over the adoption process, we also get to face massive guilt for stating that we are unable to come meet the baby once it’s born as we are saving every single penny we have for our adoption and therefore our child. This isn’t something we want, but it is our reality – our money is allocated to our future child and it’s just that simple. Instead, we have others making us feel like our adoption and the realities of making our adoption a reality don’t matter as much as the child being born in a few short months. Somehow in all of this we are being painted as the bad guys in the situation.
Part of me wants to hope I’m wrong and even though I have been wrong once before I know to trust my gut and not to get my hopes up. Part of me wants to hope that someone comes through for us and surprises us with an offer to throw our baby a shower. But sadly, my gut says it won’t happen and I’ll be left licking yet another wound.
Given our families track records of being less then supportive, I’m just not willing to hope. Not this time.
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