I Promise, I Will Always Remember

Ever since we chose to turn to adoption to grow our family, we have been experiencing people being excited for us. After spending the last few years with a cloud of misery hanging over our heads, facing “the looks” of sympathy/pity from almost everyone we know, it has been really weird for us to experience people being happy for us. We are grateful for everyone’s excitement and joy, because it helps us get a bit more excited about the possibilities.

Yet, while we are getting more and more excited about the whole adoption thing, it doesn’t mean my hurt and pain is gone. Sometimes everyone else’s excitement stabs me just a little bit. Just enough for me to catch my breath before I force on a smile. Because you know what all the excitement feels like? It feels like everyone has forgotten what we have been through. And more importantly, it feels like everyone has forgotten our lost children.

I do understand where our friends and family are coming from, no-one likes to talk about miscarriage and dead babies. But their refusal to acknowledge our miscarriages and therefore our babies, hurts.

No-one seems to understand the fact that we have not forgotten and we never will. It feels like I am no longer allowed the space to speak about our losses, our children or our dreams. It feels like I have to be excited all the time for our future family, at the cost of our past family.

We have 5 little ones that we will carry around in our hearts for the rest of time. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever replace these little souls and those little heart beats that fought so hard.

And while we are incredibly excited to grow our family through adoption, choosing adoption doesn’t mean we forget. It doesn’t mean we are magically healed. I don’t believe this means I have to forget or hide our lost babies. I don’t believe I could ever forget the experiences of the last few years. And, I don’t believe for a second I should be expected to.

So even if no-one else remembers, I promise, I will always remember.

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34 Comments on “I Promise, I Will Always Remember

  1. I can see how it would make you feel that way. I hope that the people in your life don’t truly expect you and Mr. MPB to actually forget your angel babies. Each one has made you who you are today and has brought you to this point in your life. You have every right to continue to love, grieve and hold each of your babies in your heart! Hugs!!!

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  2. I promise I will always remember too hon. I felt the same way throughout my pregnancy. It’s like the people in my life thought, well this one worked out so all is restored and perfect with the world now. Yes, our miracle boy truly is perfect and our hearts are full of so much love for him, but our angels also have a home in our hearts and they will never leave. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about them or the the incredible roller coaster of emotions we’ve gone through over the past 5 years. Your angels will never be forgotten hon. At least not by anyone in this community. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for such an understanding perspective. You are right, people love to have their appropriate narrative to life be “restored”, yet our lost babies will always be with those of us who went through the struggles and the grief.
      Love to you and your angles and your perfect little man!

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  3. It is both a tragic, but beautiful thing. Your struggles and angel babies are deeply embedded in your history. That’s another reason why I love blogging- a running history of your narrative. It doesn’t define who you are, but shows where you came from, and sometimes the burden that you carry along with you along the way.

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  4. I can so see why you feel this way. It is like the joy or excitement can seem counter to mourning and remembering your lost babies. I promise to always keep them on my mind as I cheer you on through a new phase.

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  5. You will always remember, even while expecting now I can’t help but think what it would be like with Anthony being here with us…but he isn’t. I worry that someday he will be forgotten. Not by me or his father, but by everyone else. But as long as we are living and breathing we make sure he is included in all the special events that we have. Your story is a testimony within itself. It has gotten you to where you are now. My heart breaks for you, but also rejoices at the same time; to read where you have started from and to where you are now. May God continue to bless you and Mr MPB in all you do!

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  6. This was beautiful. My husband acknowledged our baby this Christmas, but he was the only one. It truly becomes a love that is held within the walls of your heart and your home. I just so wish that society was more open and compassionate to all of us with Angel babies. They are a part of you, forever and no matter what.

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  7. Early in my blog I wrote an article about adoption does not cure infertility. Everyone seems to want a storybook ending. They see our smiling happy family and I loose my voice over how much infertility haunts my life even after adopting two beautiful children. The pain and loss will always stick with you. If you are fortunate and adopt, even in a perfect situation, that child will not replace or remove the pain. Your heart will grow and you will feel more fulfilled than you can believe but the pain will still be in your heart. Know that here in cyber world we will not forget either!

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