Moments & Mementos
In a few days we will pass the 1st anniversary of our first, only and subsequently last good news ultrasound when we saw a healthy fetal heart rate. When we were so full of hope that it was finally our turn and this baby would live.
In a few more days we will celebrate my birthday.
And then, just 2 days later we will pass the 1st anniversary of finding out our healthy and hopeful 4th baby died.
Needless to say, the next few weeks will be full of hard moment and triggers. February is no longer a month I enjoy as I now despise Valentines Day and my birthday is something I seem to dread. The celebration this year will be the fact that we will not be watching or expecting our baby to die.
With all of our positive pregnancy tests, I never once bought any baby stuff to celebrate our baby, our excitement or our hopes. I was too scared to jinx it and I just didn’t.
With all of our countless ultrasounds, I have never once been given or asked for an ultrasound picture of any of our babies.
With each of our five losses, I threw out each pee stick as quickly as I saw the results. And I almost never peed on a stick more then once once after a positive result as I learned very early to rely on beta results.
The only memento I have to signify our losses is a list of dates in my notes app on my cell phone. 2.5 years of my life tracked based on CD 1, positive OPK’s, beta results, procedure results, thyroid test results, confirmed fetal demise dates, surgery dates, etc. I’ve thought many times about deleting it, but sadly it’s all I have and I just cannot bring myself to push delete.
Really, all I have to show for everything we have been though and all five of our losses is mine and Mr. MPB’s silently beating broken hearts.
I have never been one to keep mementos and stuff. After the loss of my mom and sister I made a point not to attach meaning to stuff as to prevent a war with my brother who valued stuff. And, to this day I firmly believe that stuff does not bring us closer to those we have lost, rather we keep those we have lost in our memories and in our hearts.
But today, I wish I had something. I wish I had some visible reminder of our lost babies – not for other people, but just for me as I remember what was and what will never be. It has been suggested that I get a tattoo, plant a tree or buy a piece of jewelry. But honestly, I’m not a fan of pain or permanent ink and I cannot see how me killing a tree would be anything more then ironic. Maybe one day I’ll splurge and get a necklace or a ring with 5 interwoven bands and then maybe one day find a way to integrate our future adopted children’s birth stones into it somehow – a subtle tribute to our family that I can carry with me daily. But for now that’s just a dream, as I am way to practical to spend our pennies on something for me, when we need to focus on saving for our adoption.
So, as we get through the next few weeks, my focus will be on holding a special place in my heart for all the memories we have – the happy moments when we celebrated life and dreamed about our future, and the sad moments when we said goodbye much to soon. As I have nothing to signify my babies, I will focus on the fact that we hold our babies in our hearts today and everyday. And, really, that’s all that matters.
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