I have been reluctant to write about decision to terminate one of our pregnancies. The decision was made out of medical necessity, and I have no regrets. My reluctance comes from my worry that abortion is such a polarizing topic and I haven’t wanted to throw myself into the center of the debate. Recently I’ve decided to start opening up about our decision a bit more.
So, while I’ve been worried about becoming part of the abortion debate, I’ve been much more vocal about our choice to adopt. I think I often share details about adoption that many people choose not to discuss. Things like:
- Our initial indecision about adoption.
- Our concerns about everyone in our extended family accepting an non-biological adopted child with open arms.
- Our detailed thought process about race and substance abuse.
- Our struggles with insensitive questions and comments we’ve received from people in our lives.
- The detailed adoption process as it we understand it.
- The staggering amount of adoption decisions we have to make.
- Our on going frustrations with the adoption process and timelines.
- Our home study fears and resulting realities.
- Our initial surprise at people’s excitement and our own process from fostering excitement to our more recent full blown excitement.
I’ve chosen to share the details related to the thought processes, the questions we struggle to resolve, and my intimate thoughts. I’ve shared these details because I firmly believe anyone considering adoption deserves to understand what they are getting into – the good, the bad and the frustrating. I also want a record of this for my sake and my future child’s sake. I believe we all deserve to know the story that brought us together as a family, again the good, the bad and the frustrating. Life isn’t perfect, and I’m not going to pretend it is.
So, in sharing about our choice to adopt I have received negative comments from multiple people in the internet world and some in real life. I’ve written about the real life comments that we haven’t expected and how we’ve processed and dealt with them. What I haven’t written about is the negative comments I’ve received on my blog (note that I have not and will not share the comments, as per my blogging rules I simply do not believe in spreading hatred and there is no place for that type of comment on my slice of the world, My Perfect Breakdown).
So, while I will not share the comments, what amazes me the most first that I’m actually receiving negativity about our choice to adopt and my choice to share about it. Second, I’m amazed that of the comments I’ve received, at least two of them came from within the adoption community. Those who should get it. One of these comments came from an adoptive parent and another from an adult adoptee (I know the origin of the comments because they stated so in their comments).
And the one I find the saddest is an adoptive parent who judged and hated me for taking the stance of educating someone for saying hurtful things about adopting an “unwanted” child.
I’m not saying agree with everything I say, in fact I’d prefer if people do question me. I know I am not always right in my approach. I am always open to a good debate based in respect. I believe people have so much to teach each other, and I am always happy to learn. But, what amazes me is that individuals have chosen to simply share hate and negative judgement without any sort of constructive criticism.
I was prepared for negative judgement when discussing abortion, I was not prepared for it in respect to our choice to adopt.
Instead of attacking each other, shouldn’t we as adoptive parents be standing together and supporting each other? Shouldn’t we as parents, adoption or not, be supporting our children and advocating for them when they are too young to stand up for themselves? Shouldn’t we as mothers be showing compassion and love in our actions so that our children also grow up to demonstrate these qualities?
I know, I know, there I go again expecting too much. I am actively working to lower my expectations of people in my real life, and in society in general. But honestly, imagine how great the world would be if we were supporting each other instead of cutting each other down?
At the end of the day, regardless of any mean comments I receive on my blog, or we receive in real life, we are doing what’s best for us our future children. Adoption is our chosen route to our family and we are excited to welcome our child(ren) into our lives. We may not do everything perfectly, but we will do our absolute best. Months and months ago I wrote a promise to my child, and every single word I said still rings true.
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