Adoption Indecision Continued

Again with the adoption theme.

It is obviously on my mind a lot these days.

Today, I’m going to focus on the main thing that is occupying my mind – the average wait time of 3 years. It’s dancing around like an annoying little mosquito. And, just like that mosquito, it will go away for a few minutes or even hours, and then reappear out of no-where to buzz around and drive me crazy. And, no matter how much I try to swat it away, it just keeps coming back.

We really don’t know if adoption is for us, but we also know that a 3 year average wait time is long time. We are nearly 2 years into this recurrent pregnancy loss journey, and another 3 years seems like an eternity.  I do not want to live my life for 5+ years being consumed with something I desperately want, and may never achieve.  I firmly believe this is not healthy.

I am adamant that I don’t want to be a parent to an infant at 40. I feel very strongly about this, and I think it has something to with the fact that my mom died at the age of 43. But, I know it also has to do with not wanting to be an older parent. I want to be young, healthy and active while my children are growing up. This isn’t the path that everyone chooses, but it is very important to me.

I also think I am further along in the adoption thoughts then my husband. I don’t mean this to be negative, rather it is just a statement, neither positive nor negative.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I’ve been writing about this. I’ve been corresponding with others who have decided to adopt and others who have not. I come from an extended family which would accept an adopted child with open arms. I also know my body, mind and spirit can only handle so many miscarriages. So, I have been taking the time to actively work through some of the emotions and fears.

Whereas, my husband has not been doing any reading. He has not been writing to help work through his emotions. He has not been corresponding with anyone. His parents are very unlikely to support an adopted grandchild. And, he is not going through the physical and emotional process of miscarriage in the same way that I do (side note – not to diminish the male experience of miscarriage, but I simply do not believe that miscarriage effects the father in the same way as the mother for a number of reasons, most of which have to do with the physical connection a mother). Given this, he has needed more time to even wrap his mind around the fact that adoption may be our best/only way to have children.

We come from different perspectives, but it’s important that we come at this together.

So, how do we proceed? Do we start talking with the recommended adoption agency and possibly begin the process, all the while recognizing our hesitations and fears? I understand our fears are completely normal, but do we tentatively start down the road towards potential adoption? We know it will take at least 6 months to clear the initial paper work and studies and to get placed on the official wait list. We also know that we can stop the process, or even put the process on hold at any time, but would we really have the courage to say no to adoption once we have started down the path? So we do we just start the process, and see where it leads? Or, do we wait, and put off the 3 year wait even longer?

How do we even make this decision? Somehow, by starting the process, it feels like we are giving up on the next pregnancy before it even starts. And, at the same time, I know it would be a bit exciting to know that we would be working at having a family from 2 different angles.

19 Comments on “Adoption Indecision Continued

  1. I can’t really relate… My sister has two adopted children, both from birth, and while the wait can be long, it’s an average, meaning your wait could be less. And moving ahead with adoption doesn’t mean you can pursue on your own still, right? So much to consider… I’ll be thinking of you…

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  2. I think the wait really depends on the type of adoption you are pursuing, your expectations, and the area in which you live. For example, international adoption generally takes a long time. When we spoke to a lawyer about domestic adoption, she said that her experience of couples who are open to gender and to other races average about 9 months from the time they turn in the paperwork, which she found quite amusing. I definitely understand the hesitation though–this is such a big decision, and it is really hard to go all in.

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    • I agree with what My Perfect Breakdown has written – where we live (I’m not so far away from her), domestic adoption of an infant does take at least 3 years on average and international can take a little less or more recently a little more and cost a great deal more. You can adopt older (fostered) children more quickly but I don’t think that is what she and her husband have had in mind to this point – though of course I could be misunderstanding the adoption discussion to date here, in which case I apologize, MPB :-). The waits here are longer than many (most?) other places in North America.

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      • spiritbabycomehome – you’ve got it pretty much right. At this point we are not even considering fostering. And, our research has indicated that open adoptions are an average of 3 years once you have completed all the pre-screening and paperwork, which usually takes about 6 months. So, yes, since it is a 3 year wait, it can happen earlier, but it can also happen later. 3 years is just the average.
        We don’t know too much about international adoption at this point, but the time can very and $$ can affect that wait. But, I’m not confident on the information to make any real comments.
        I’m not sure of wait times elsewhere, so I also cannot comment on that.
        But, the one thing I do know is that there are about 100 different factors what will affect he wait time, so who really knows. Just so many factors to consider, and wait time is just one of the many.

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  3. I agree with your comment that miscarriage affects us on a different level then our hubbies. Of course they feel the pain of loss, but they don’t have all the hormones to contend with. As for adoption, I really wish I had the right answer for you hon. I know for my husband and I, we decided that donor eggs would be the way we would go rather than adoption. He didn’t want to keep trying on our own at first because he was scared of the losses, but then I convinced him to keep trying even if it meant more losses and that once I turned 40, we’d do donor eggs if trying on our own didn’t work (I’m 37 so 40 doesn’t seem so old anymore 🙂 and I was 32 when this all began). For me, I just know I can’t handle the wait and unknown aspects of adoption, but I will say this, it can’t hurt to at least start the process and see what happens in the meantime, and maybe that will will give your hubby the time he needs to fully get on board?

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    • Thanks for the thoughts! I really appreciate knowing another perspective. I don’t want to imply he’s not onboard, just getting there in his own time. And we both change our minds frequently so who knows where we will actually end up on this! We are only 31 now, so we have a good few years to keep trying if we want to, I’m just not sure how many times we can go through miscarriages. Which is why adoption might end up being our answer. But we really just don’t know.

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  4. I can see why this is weighing on you. I don’t know what to tell you except follow your heart and the answers that are right for you when the time is right will come. As someone parenting a very young child in my 40s who was born after I passed 40 (not my original plan, either, FWIW), I would like to mention that I had plenty of “nevers” on that original plan, too. Shit happened. So I trashed the plan. I couldn’t be happier or more grateful to have the privilege of raising a child and praying, pleading with the forces that be, and doing all I can to try to have a second one in my 40s. Not saying it’s for you. Just sayin’…

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    • Thanks for sharing. You’d think by now, after 5 miscarriages, I’d be more open to completely trashing “the plan”, but somehow, I still keep trying to hold on to parts of it! I guess that’s just my type-a personality trying to control something in a situation that I have no control over?!
      Funny enough, you are not the first person to tell me that having children a bit later in life isn’t a big deal. We’ve actually heard it from a number of our friends.
      Anyways, my husband and I are both 31. So, really, that gives us a lot of “years” left to somewhat meet the plan, and lots of years before we will be ‘old’ by my definition.
      I think part of my hang-up on age, also has to do with the idea of living this RPL lifestyle for another 10+ years. I just don’t think I’ll make it that long. But, I guess I cannot predict the future, so who knows? Again, with me trying to control the life plan….

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  5. We recently decided to adopt. It is the same with my husband. I have put my full efforts in but my husband seems to be merely along for the ride. He wants to adopt, don’t get me wrong, but the emotional investment isn’t quite there like it is with me.

    We are adopting through foster care. The wait times – at least in my area – are shorter than private adoption, and the adoption fees are affordable for us.

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    • It is interesting how the husbands feel about all of this, eh? I’m finding, at least our my situation, he is just a bit more relaxed about all of it. But, then again, his personality generally is a bit more relaxed then mine.

      Do you mind me asking, how do you feel now that you’ve made the decision to adopt? And, does that mean you’ve stopped trying for a biological child? And, how in the heck did you actually get to the place to know that adoption was right for you (this is our biggest struggle)? I realize I just asked a few loaded and invasive questions, but if you don’t mind sharing, I’d love to hear more.

      Thanks!!

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      • We felt relief once we actually took the first step in the process. It was like a weight was lifted. Just two days ago I heard my husband say “I can’t wait to adopt” and I know we made the right choice.

        We are still going to try. My issue is recurrent miscarriage. I have had every test done already with nothing pointing to an actual problem. I am going to see one more doctor next week. I think we are going to give it one more shot. I don’t know how many more miscarriages I can have emotionally.

        As far as an agency – we are adopting through foster care. I read a really awesome book about it by the actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Nia Vardolos. She suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss, tried to do a domestic adoption and then ended up adopting from foster care. We had thought about it before but when I read about someone else’s experience i knew that was what we wanted to do.

        Definitely feel free to email me! I don’t mind answering any questions at all. Leawyatt12@gmail.com

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      • Thanks for sharing! I will definitely go pick up that book. I am always interested in hearing more stories about the routes different people take through adoption. 🙂

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  6. Husband perspective: When we first started talking adoption, my wife did at least 95% of the heavy lifting, and really drove the process. It wasn’t that I was hesitant towards adoption (I knew our infertility was going to be an ever increasing load of stress and expense), but I was slower to take action than she was.

    I got to where I was fully on board, and when I think of our oldest child (with a ridiculously short wait time that makes other adoptive parents hate us) I am thankful that she took the reigns.

    Of course, I did not have to worry about parental acceptance as it appears your husband might. That just stinks – for everyone involved – and I’m sorry that you guys have to deal with that.

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    • Thanks for the husband perspective! It sounds similar to my husband, but of course I do not want to speak for him.

      The parental acceptance is a factor, and something we must consider. But, we also know as much as it completely sucks, we will not let it make the decision for us. It is just one of the many things we have to consider in the coming months.

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  7. Pingback: Adoption Haters | My Perfect Breakdown

  8. It’s so interesting to read this post now, knowing that the future you has come so far in working out your indecision and fears! It give me hope for my own journey. Xoxo.

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