Adoption Indecision Continued
Again with the adoption theme.
It is obviously on my mind a lot these days.
Today, I’m going to focus on the main thing that is occupying my mind – the average wait time of 3 years. It’s dancing around like an annoying little mosquito. And, just like that mosquito, it will go away for a few minutes or even hours, and then reappear out of no-where to buzz around and drive me crazy. And, no matter how much I try to swat it away, it just keeps coming back.
We really don’t know if adoption is for us, but we also know that a 3 year average wait time is long time. We are nearly 2 years into this recurrent pregnancy loss journey, and another 3 years seems like an eternity. I do not want to live my life for 5+ years being consumed with something I desperately want, and may never achieve. I firmly believe this is not healthy.
I am adamant that I don’t want to be a parent to an infant at 40. I feel very strongly about this, and I think it has something to with the fact that my mom died at the age of 43. But, I know it also has to do with not wanting to be an older parent. I want to be young, healthy and active while my children are growing up. This isn’t the path that everyone chooses, but it is very important to me.
I also think I am further along in the adoption thoughts then my husband. I don’t mean this to be negative, rather it is just a statement, neither positive nor negative.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I’ve been writing about this. I’ve been corresponding with others who have decided to adopt and others who have not. I come from an extended family which would accept an adopted child with open arms. I also know my body, mind and spirit can only handle so many miscarriages. So, I have been taking the time to actively work through some of the emotions and fears.
Whereas, my husband has not been doing any reading. He has not been writing to help work through his emotions. He has not been corresponding with anyone. His parents are very unlikely to support an adopted grandchild. And, he is not going through the physical and emotional process of miscarriage in the same way that I do (side note – not to diminish the male experience of miscarriage, but I simply do not believe that miscarriage effects the father in the same way as the mother for a number of reasons, most of which have to do with the physical connection a mother). Given this, he has needed more time to even wrap his mind around the fact that adoption may be our best/only way to have children.
We come from different perspectives, but it’s important that we come at this together.
So, how do we proceed? Do we start talking with the recommended adoption agency and possibly begin the process, all the while recognizing our hesitations and fears? I understand our fears are completely normal, but do we tentatively start down the road towards potential adoption? We know it will take at least 6 months to clear the initial paper work and studies and to get placed on the official wait list. We also know that we can stop the process, or even put the process on hold at any time, but would we really have the courage to say no to adoption once we have started down the path? So we do we just start the process, and see where it leads? Or, do we wait, and put off the 3 year wait even longer?
How do we even make this decision? Somehow, by starting the process, it feels like we are giving up on the next pregnancy before it even starts. And, at the same time, I know it would be a bit exciting to know that we would be working at having a family from 2 different angles.