Discombobulated

I think its fair to say that I am having a pretty horrible week.

Nothing seems to be going right this week, so I’m left feeling confused, worrying, frustrated, tired, angry and at times just down right grouchy.  Generally, I’m just feeling rather discombobulated.

Her are the top four things that have bothered me so much this week:

  1. We suffered our fifth lost this week.  Even though it was easier then the others, it still sucks.  Emotionally, I’ve pretty much dealt with it, but I am once again stuck waiting on my body to expel everything.  My body absolutely sucks at this part, and seems to be taking its sweet time figuring it.  And with each passing day, I cannot help but worry a bit more that maybe something worse is actually going on.  Like maybe an ectopic pregnancy?  It would be just our luck that this seemingly easy miscarriage, will actually somehow turn into another version of hell that we just haven’t experienced yet.   I know rationally this is very unlikely – my blood work doesn’t indicate that this is even a possibility.  But, hey, its us, things don’t tend to be easy and given our history, a bit of paranoia is probably okay.  We are now thinking again about what’s next.  How many times do we get to go through this?  And of course, where does adoption fit into this?  And then I’m also dealing with raging hormones so I’m just out of sorts which results in my husband being annoyed at me.  He’s tired…I’m tired…we’re just so tired of it.
  2. Yes, my neighbor nearly died.  We’ve found out a few more details since my post yesterday.  According to the doctors, without our call for an ambulance he would have died within a few hours.  He had a blood clot that had traveled from his foot to his lungs, and was just about to enter his heart.  The severity of the clot had shut down his liver, kidneys, compromised his lungs and his heart.  So, pretty much all the critical organs, at least for those of us who like living they are critical.  Thankfully he is expected to recover, although he will never lead the same type of active lifestyle. When we met with his wife, she pissed me off beyond belief by ranting and raving about how he should have gone to the hospital the day before when she suggested it, but since he wasn’t willing to go, she left for her vacation anyways.  How dare he ruin her vacation by almost dying?!  And how dare her 3 children ask her to come home to be with there dad and her husband?!  How dare he put there home renovations on hold so that he can recover?!Seriously, not once did she say how happy she was that he was okay and expected to live.  She did thank us for helping, but I could have cared less for a thank you, after her complaining.  Our actions were simply what any decent person does when someone is in a medical emergency.
  3. We found out yet another old friend is pregnant.  They live half way across the world and we rarely see them, so this shouldn’t bother me in the least, but somehow seeing her 20 week pregnancy announcement to the world and reading her concerns about having a child in a foreign country just sucked.  (I should point out she’s one of those absolutely adorably cute people, whose pregnancy photo is what every other women, infertile or not, dreams to have).  I’m not upset because they are having a child, I’m actually rather happy for them.  I’m upset because her worries are about having a child in a foreign country, albeit one of the most developed and family centric nations in the world that even puts Canada to shame in some respects.  That problem would be a dream problem for me.  I wish our worries could be this simple and this basic.
  4. This is really my first full week of true unemployment and three things about this have occurred this week.
    1. Filling out EI applications totally sucks, and I kinda wonder what how someone who doesn’t have a graduate degree would feel about the process.  Not hard to do, but a pain in the ass, because its very hard to explain my situation in yes/no responses.
    2. I have been putting time into writing.  I’m not working hard enough on my book, but rather I’ve been working on blog posts.  Which, yes, could become part of the book, who really knows?  So, I’m a bit disappointed in myself for not being more focused.  I suck.
    3. Third, and more importantly, less then 24 hours after announcing to a few colleagues that I have left my job and will be taking time off to focus on my family, I was asked to work on a potential project as a consultant by a mentor that adore.  So, what did I do?  Like normal, I said yes, on the condition that he understand if we get pregnant, I’m out.  So, this week I’ve been putting countless hours into working on a proposal.  It would be awesome to get it for a number of reasons – income; type of work I love; working for myself; working the hours I want to work; working from home; working with a great team; self-confidence boost (it felt great to be asked!); not abandoning my career entirely and keeping the doors open because honestly, what if this pregnancy thing doesn’t work, etc.  But, I found out last night, my husband is really disappointed that I agreed to do it.  After months of being concerned about our finances if I quit working, he’s now flipped and is afraid for our next pregnancy because he doesn’t think I’ll actually stop working if we win the project.  But he didn’t articulate this in a way that I understood when I first brought this up to him.  So, I agreed to do it, and now I feel like I’ve let him down.  And, I also feel horrible that he thinks I would put another pregnancy at risk due to work, and yet, I know I’ve done it in the past by working 80 hours a week for a no-good, high-stress employer, so I kinda get where he is coming from.  And now, I’m just waiting to see if we win the project, and part of me is hoping we don’t.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  So, this just totally and completely sucks.
I am a firm believer that rather then just sit around and complain, people should take action to fix the situation if its within their control and there are realistic and attainable options available to fix the situation.  And if you wont take actions available to you, then shut up, because you’ve chosen to have the problem (have I ever mentioned that I’m not the most sympathetic person in the world?)
So, although I most definitely cannot fix the pregnancy stuff which is clearly out of my control, I can focus on shifting my attitude back to being more balanced.  I can do this by focusing on having a good weekend.  I know I will enjoy our friends wedding this weekend.  The guilt free wine will be much enjoyed!  And, so long as the weather cooperates I know I’ll be spending time in the sun which always puts a smile on my face and makes me happy.  And, as of right now, I am turning off my computer and going for a walk with our dog to enjoy today.

6 Comments on “Discombobulated

  1. I don’t believe much in coincidence and despite your husband’s concerns about you accepting the invitation from your mentor, I have a sense it came along at the right time and could help you find a path to where you’re meant to be. Maybe it will open a door to you figuring out that writing a book and working part time at home is a perfect balance for pregnancy and motherhood long-term. Who knows?

    I am sorry the other stuff truly sucks and is either painful personally or just socially, morally, emotionally, financially or otherwise disheartening or frustrating (or both), but I think you’re wise to try to switch gears and re-frame your outlook if you can. Make sure you give yourself time to grieve what you need to, though (I’m terrible for rushing on with life so I can avoid any more grieving, there has been so frickin’ much already in my life and especially in the 4 years of TTC), so I say this as much to myself as to you. Hugs, friend.

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    • Thank you for your encouragement. I truly appreciate it!

      We will work through all of this and see what happens, just as we always do. And by we, I mean my husband and I; and you and I; and you and your husband. Really, all of us faced with RPL and infertility.

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  2. I’m sorry you had such a bad week. I know too well the toll loss after loss can have, and I’m so sorry you and your hubby are having to deal with it again. As for you taking on this project, I hope your hubby understands that you did not do anything wrong and working (even long hours) did not cause you to miscarry. There was nothing you could have done to cause your miscarriages. I think it’s great that you left your job because it sounds like it was very stressful, but I still don’t believe it caused your miscarriages. And taking on this project might not be a bad thing. I can allow you to still work, but be able to do it on your schedule. I work for myself on a project by project basis. It can be stressful when it starts to pile up, but I am ultimately still in control of my work ours and if I need a break., I take it. As for writing, don’t be too hard on yourself about that either, I think writing is a fluid process. I’m sure you’ll find yourself writing a lot some days and maybe not as much on other days, but it will come together. And lastly, your neighbor’s wife just sounds unreal! What a B!She may not have said it, but I’m going to! It is a miracle you guys were there and it’s such a relief that he will be okay! Hugs hon.

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    • Thanks for such a great comment. It has been a long week, but we survived. I even just finished mowing our wonderful neighbours lawn. I figured even if she’s not being all that nice about her husbands current state, they could still use a bit of help with the yard.
      And well we both know the miscarriage is not caused by stress, I know it doesn’t help anything. And we made the decision to leave my job to reduce stress and give our next baby the best chance possible. So my decision to work on this proposal and possible project is a big change from what we discussed. But we will see what happens and deal with the outcome when we find out if I won the project. And I love the idea of being able to completely control what I choose to work on and when. So there are a lot of benefits to it.

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  3. Pingback: In Search of Inspiration | My Perfect Breakdown

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