Failure

Every now and again something happens. Something very small, or maybe something very big. It all depends on the day, the circumstance and my internalization of the actual moment in time.

All these somethings have one thing in common – I am left reminded of all my failures.

Failure at being a good enough wife.

Failure at being a good enough mother.

Failure at being a good enough friend.

Failure at being a capable reproducing women.

Failure at working enough and contributing financially to our lives.

Failure at figuring out what I am going to do with my professional career.

Failure.

Plain and simply, there are days where I feel like a complete failure. These are the days when all I can think of are the things that I am not doing very well. All the things I once did well (or very well for that matter), or the things I was naive enough to think I could do easily enough. All the successes that now feel so far away.

When these feelings arise, most days I can push them aside and focus on some good things and hope for a better tomorrow.

But then there are days like today where I feel like I cannot get anything right.

I am not going to sit here right now and try to turn this into a happy moment or a lesson in perseverance to see a better tomorrow. Instead, I am going to sit in the emotions and throw myself a pity-party.

I’m hoping a good night’s sleep will help, and tomorrow I will wake up feeling a better and a bit more like my more cheerful self.  I plan to re-read this post first thing in the morning to give myself a boost in that direction.

.

P.S. my current emotional state has nothing to do with my in-laws, they actually took the news very well. I’ll post more on that in a few days when I have time to write.

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46 Comments on “Failure

  1. Glad to hear the in-laws took the news well. As you know, I identify with this post SO much. Failure. It haunts me, and every year that passes it seems to get its fingers deeper into my soul. Sometimes you do just need to sit and wallow – do it, wallow like crazy, and then take a deep breath when you’re ready and do something else. I think we need this down time now and again to just accept to ourselves that things aren’t going well and we can’t always be strong and put on a brave face. After a lovely Christmas I’ve been wallowing for three days. I haven’t even left the house or got dressed since Christmas Day. After my family all left at the end of the day I just sank into nothing. I’m eating and drinking rubbish and soaking up the feelings of not managing to achieve, yet again.
    I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you sound like me – a bit of a type A who needs to attain goals and have everything under control and running as it should. It’s so difficult. Personally I find that these days were you let everything go give you the strength to get back up and carry on fighting when you’re ready. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do anything. Just be. xxxx

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    • I’m sorry you so understand this perspective – it just sucks! But, I am thrilled that you have had the time and space to wallow, I think that’s part of what was so difficult for me in the last days – we had guests here and the longest amount of time I got to myself was my morning shower (which became longer each day as I needed some time).
      And I am absolutely a type-a personality who needs to attain goals and have everything under control. I used to take that as a compliment, but in the last few years I’ve learned that my type-a personality is not always a good thing, and has caused me a lot of stress. I think now i’m trying to learn how to balance my desire for success in everything I do with the practicalities of life which means I am not always in control.
      “Don’t put pressure on yourself to do anything. Just be.” – this was exactly what I needed to read, and I will continue to try to work on this – thank you.
      P.S. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this Christmas must have been on you. I do hope you are able to follow your own advice and just be. Love to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes you just need to let out all those emotions that have been bottled up. I’ve had my fair share of self doubt and deprecation. Hoping your pity party doesnt last long and that you remember you are strong and courageous. You are the opposite of failure: you’re inspiring and resilient. Sending you hugs.

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  3. Thinking of you, friend. It has been a very difficult couple of years for you, and Is very understandable that you feel how you feel. I am here with you, reminding you to breathe in the spaces between your tears.

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    • Thank you so much sweetie. I read your post the other day, and while I was balancing having house guests and wanting to wallow in the corner I didn’t respond, but I truly appreciated your love and encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think we all deserve to have a down day and throw ourselves a pity party once in a while! Nobody can be happy and cheerful ALL the time. We are human, humans have emotions, we have LOTS of emotions, and it’s healthy to feel all of them in turn. So don’t get down on yourself for that, you’re just being human.
    (Glad your in-laws took the news well! Mine weren’t a nightmare like I was afraid they would be…thankful that we survived the holidays!)

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    • Thank you so much for your encouragement – I read this the other day and was so touched. Sometimes I really just expect more from myself, and I am not a huge fan of being so negative, but i am happy to report that I am feeling much better today. 🙂
      I am so happy you survived the holidays! Now, onto focusing on the potential happiness of 2015. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. i think we all have these moments. i think they can serve as an emotional outlet and also provide necessary motivation for change. feel all your emotions and act on them when you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We all have those days sugars and i am sorry you had one :/ I hope today is better for you but can i just let you know that you are not a failure? Cause you are not 🙂 You are an inspiration and encouragement to so many. You are intelligent. And the bible says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And i wpuld just have to agree 🙂 Sending you lots of hugs! Xo

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    • So, when I read this comment a few days ago I was reading on my phone all stealth like with my in-laws in the same room. Yup, your words of encouragement were so beautiful that all I wanted to do was cry. Thank you sweetie.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I meant every word. If you are a failure…then I’m a failure and I know that together we are not. We do so much right and we have so much to offer. Hang in there sugars! We gotta keep seeing the beauty even in the mess sometimes. hugs!

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  7. This is all too familiar for so many of us. You are allowed to wallow– just keep in mind that this too shall pass and it is always dark before sunrise.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this reminder. I read it a few days ago, and it was so helpful to remember that 1, many of us feel this way from time to time and 2, this too shall pass. It took a few days, but I am feeling much better today. Thank you. 🙂

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  8. I am so glad you wrote this – BUT not glad that you feel this way. I have been feeling similar as 2015 approaches and we put this horror of a year behind us. I think not working has a lot to do with self-esteem/feelings of failure especially if you always have earn’t full time wages. I can empathize with everything you’ve said and I think it’s admirable that you own it. Life isn’t always sunshine and farts and, personally, I don’t want to be around those constantly happy people when they snap!!! I hope you feel better though and wishing you an awesome year ahead full of health, love and fun.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: My Christmas Pity-Party and Life Lessons | My Perfect Breakdown

  10. I can relate to this so much. I also know how painful this can be. Sometimes, it does help to just ride it out and let yourself throw a pity party. I hope it worked for you and you’re feeling better in the morning. Much love to you! ❤

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    • I hate that you can relate, and yet selfishly I love that I’m not alone in these feelings. Thank you for reminding me of that!
      And yes, I am feeling so much better today! In fact, Mr. MPB even said to me, “is everything okay, you seem so happy today!” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I love a good pity party…it reminds me that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, I get in my car and drive around and listen to what Callie calls “depressing ass music”, and sing along at the top of my lungs and have a good cry, and then go home. It usually makes me feel better. So go on and have a grand old pity party…tomorrow will be a little better, and if not, there is always the next day. Failure is a part of life, and so is picking yourself back up, and seeing where you are so awesome!

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    • If I didn’t have house guests, I can assure you depressing ass music would have been played in this house too! 🙂
      You are right, “tomorrow will be a little better, and if not, there is always the next day.” And, I am happy to report that today I am feeling 1000 times better.

      Like

  12. I have those days (quite often now) and I think that they are normal, no matter how awful it makes you feel. I hope though, that this is temporary for you and you find some peace soon.

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    • Thank you so much Krystal. I wish you didn’t understand these emotions, but somehow it always makes me feel a bit better to know that I am not alone, so thank you for that.
      I am feeling much better today, and hope you too are able to move out of these hard feelings with time.

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  13. I think not trying to make lemonade out of lemons in a moment when we need to own our feelings is a good move. Feelings need voice or they can bury down deep and become issues that get uprooted at great cost (emotional and financial if you are seeing someone for them) later in life. Good choice on this occasion. It is your party and you can cry if you want to my friend!

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