Today it has been 18 years.
18 years since I saw my sister’s smile.
18 years since I heard my mother’s laugh.
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18 years ago today my childhood came to a sudden halt, and as a young teenager I grew up in seconds.
Today, I miss the innocence of my naïve youth.
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Today it has been 18 years.
18 years since I sought my older sister’s advice.
18 years since I felt my mother’s warm embrace.
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It has been 18 years since my life crashed down around me.
Today I still face random triggers that bring me to my knees begging for another moment with them, and a different ending to their stories.
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Today it has been 18 years.
18 years since I danced with my sister.
18 years since I sang out of tune with my mother.
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In these 18 years I have learned to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.
Today, I hold no ill will towards someone who made a simple mistake that held catastrophic results.
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Today it has been 18 years.
18 years since I made friendship bracelets with my sister.
18 years since I baked cinnamon buns with my mother.
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In these 18 years I have learned to live without two of the most important people in my life.
I have learned to survive with the most immense grief imaginable.
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Today it has been 18 years.
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One of the greatest thing about choosing to grow our family through open adoption is the adoption community.
Months ago I wrote about how adoption is a lonely road. Some days it still feels that way. Some days it feels like no-one understands, and no-one gets it. No-one seems to think about how much this is costing us, or how complicated it is to manage the international adoption process. No-one seems too concerned about how our 5 miscarriages have scarred us. And, no-one seems to realize just how hard it is to actually make decisions related to substance abuse exposure and race. Those closest to us just don’t get it, and honestly, most don’t even try.
But, what’s really cool is now we are starting to find our way into our local adoption community.
We are attending adoption support groups, going to dinner with new friends who are also in the adoption process, hanging out with families who were created through adoption, and partaking in the excitement of new matches, etc. We are loving it!
We are building new friendships with people locally who understand and who are encouraging us with every single step we take. We are able to talk to people about how weird it is to fill out forms, and make hard decisions, and everyone just gets it.
And as an added bonus, we are finding ourselves meeting people in real life who have walked the infertility and miscarriage path before us and with us. Through our local adoption community, for the first time in-real-life we are meeting people who get the struggles we have gone through and talk about it openly.
And at the same time, I am also becoming more and more integrated into the world of adoption blogging. I am learning from others who have made it through the process and are actually living the open adoption life. I am receiving encouraging comments, messages and emails that make me smile and remind me to keep persevering through whatever the current challenge is.
So, while the adoption process can be frustrating at times, I am so thankful for all the new and wonderful friendships I am making.
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My Perfect Breakdown 