First, a quick note that we baby and potential birth mom are both doing well. She goes for weekly OB appointments now until baby arrives, so it was nice to get an update. I’m now find myself looking forward to our weekly update, it’s just makes me feel good to know that she wants to include us and that both her and baby are doing well.
Her doctor suspect baby will stay put for at least a few more weeks and they are talking possible induction at 39 weeks. I can barely believe that we may have a little baby in our arms in less than a month!
On another note, she’s hoping to get another ultrasound at her next appointment so that we can have pictures of Baby MPB. Truthfully I have mixed feelings about seeing an ultrasound photo of Baby MPB. The very idea makes me nervous and almost sick to my stomach – I’ve never seen a baby ultrasound that resulted in a healthy baby that came home with us. I’m worried that seeing an ultrasound will somehow jinx it and the adoption will fall through.
I know, not rational thinking at all. But hey, what can I say? 5 pregnancies, countless ultrasounds, more medical procedures then I can count, not one living baby. I’m scared of any possible jinxes right now. Truthfully, when we first received the match proposal with medical history I skipped the page with the super granny ultrasound photos, I just couldn’t look at them.
I still carry many worries and fears with me. Our miscarriages and lost babies clearly still impact me on a daily basis.
But, I’m also not about to admit this crazy way of thinking to the potential birth mom or to almost anyone in my real life. So, if she wants an ultrasound and gets an ultrasound, I’ll focus on the hope and the excitement. I’ll bury the fears and emotions for another day, as I’ve done so often in the last few years. And when she shares photos with us, I’ll suck it up and ooh and ahh. All the while I will silently hope that one day I get to snuggle that little baby for hours upon hours.
Anyways, I as I am trying to focus on hope and believe, I have to say I still cannot believe that baby could arrive any day and will in all likelihood be perfectly healthy.
And, I’m absolutely beside myself thinking that any day now I could be a real mom!
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I am trying to believe, I really am.
But I have one nagging thought that I just cannot shake.
We’ve lost 5 babies, why should this be any different?
I want nothing more than to bring Baby MBP home with us. I want nothing more than to finally be a real mother. I want nothing more than to be able support and love our child as they grow up.
But, life has never afforded me these opportunities. Life simply has not worked out for me, at least not in this respect.
So, why do I think this time will be any different? Why should I believe?
How do I get through this agonizing waiting with this very real nagging doubt?
What happens if she changes her mind (as is her right)?
How do I even start to pick myself back up and start over? My heart belongs to baby MBP and there’s no denying it.
Right now, this doubt is real. The fears are visceral. They are bubbling away just below the surface. Some days I can push them aside. Other days I feel paralyzed and consumed.
So today I find myself asking, how do I really, truly let myself believe that this time will be different? That this time, we will actually hold a living child in our arms.
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My Perfect Breakdown 