I have to really awesome things to report:
First, it turns out the lump in my breast is nothing. I’ll admit outside of a few moments of intese anxiety, I was never too worried that it was cancer. But it’s still awesome to KNOW it’s not cancer! The ultrasound tech couldn’t see a problem with the lump and the radiologist personally re-do the test to confirmed it is in fact nothing . So, I found out immediately that I have normal breast tissue and nothing more. She figures that the reason the lump is there right now has to do with how sick I’ve been. Which is a-okay by me!
Second, my bronchitis is getting better. The antibiotics kicked in over the weekend and I’ve been on an upward swing ever since. I’m still coughing a lot which is still making for some less then restful sleep, but I am generally feeling so much better. I may even start caring for Baby MPB again now that we are nearly positive I wont be contagious. Although, since I’m paranoid about getting him sick, I really do wish there was some sort of testing to confirm that I am no longer contagious.
Third, Baby MPB is still healthy. Even with how sick I’ve been, we’ve been able to keep him healthy. Mr. MPB has literally been doing everything for almost 2 weeks now, and I’ve been washing my hands about 89,000 time a minute and not touching Baby MPB.
Fourth, I had a realization. I have now had 4 straight ultrasounds without having a problem! After what feels like hundreds of ultrasounds, all ending with miscarriages, I finally have had some end well!
- Months ago, I found out my IUD was placed correctly.
- Baby MPB’s ultrasound photos were the first time an ultrasound photo resulted in our one and only living child.
- I just got news that I not have breast cancer, which is some pretty awesome news.
- While not related to me directly, an amazing friend and a constant support showed me her hard fought healthy baby ultrasound photos. At each appointment she keeps getting good news, and to see her beautiful baby growing, was simply amazing – I was so excited and honoured that she shared them with me that I think I’ve spent more time looking at her baby ultrasound photos then I have at Baby MPBs ultrasound photos! And, as a deeply caring and compassionate individual, she even asked if I wanted to see them as she knows very well just how triggering they can be.
But, the point of this is that I’ve spent years living in fear of ultrasounds, and yet the last 4 that I’ve personally seen have been different. Somehow, I feel as though the fear is leaving me. (Don’t get me wrong, if for any reason I ever need another date with a dildo-cam, I’ll probably break into a cold sweat and have tears rolling down my cheeks). But for right now, I appreciate how normal I feel.
After years of losses, and countless medical appointments and procedures, I stopped feeling normal. I always felt like no-one in our real lives could relate and at times it was so lonely. I often felt like a combination of a lab rat and a pin cushion. And, at my lowest points, there were times I felt like I was a shell of myself walking around just faking it. And yet, today, I realized that I’m okay.
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In the last few days, a week to be precise, our birth mom went silent. We heard nothing from her.
The first few days did not bother me at all. It’s normal that we don’t talk every day.
But, then once I started to realize the days were adding up, I started to worry. Then I pointed it out to Mr. MPB and he also started to worry.
So, after about a week, our worry was increasing. (I am really a good worrier, if it was a marketable skill I could make it a full time profession). We are usually in touch with at least a few texts a week. Sometimes she initiates the conversations, sometimes we initiate. We also send photos every few weeks. So a week with no correspondence didn’t make sense and we just weren’t sure how to reach out to her.
We’ve been told that often birth mom’s needs space and we wanted to respect that, if that was the case. But, we also want her to know that we care and worry about her too. And we also realized for all we knew, she was just busy and we weren’t her focus, no different then when I don’t respond to a friend’s text for a few days because I’m busy.
So, we/I decided I needed to stop obsessing. As far as we are concerned she is a member of our extended family, just like other members of our family like my Dad (who has an amazing ability to frustrates me, yet I love dearly), any one of my friends, my Aunt (who is an amazing women who inspires me with her kind heart) or my second cousin (who I adore and wish I could see more). With these relationships, I may not talk/text with them daily or even weekly, heck sometimes I even avoid people if something is bother me, but we do generally keep in touch.
In the end, we decided to do what we normally do. I sent her an email with some photos and a text telling her to check her email and that we are thinking of her and hoping she’s well. When I sent the photos the timing matched our unofficial schedule so I was hoping she’d respond once she had photos, as she often does. We usually gush over how cute Baby MPB is together.
And guess, what? That’s exactly what we did! Once she had the photos she responded and we have a good conversation about our wonderful little guy.
Nothing was said about the silence. It’s weird (or maybe it isn’t?) but in so many ways I feel myself being very protective of her and wanting to help her. But, ultimately, I cannot force myself on her any more then I can other people in my life. And so while we want her in our lives we realize this isn’t our decision to make and like so many things in life all we can do is focus in our behaviour and hope for the best. So, we will continue to let her know we are here for her and that we care for her. And, we will always leave the door open so she can talk to us when/if she wants to.
* Please note that this post is from my perspective as an adoptive mom. I cannot speak on behalf of our birth mother and do not intend to.
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My Perfect Breakdown 