The Silence Is Deafening

It has been 3 days since we spoke or texted with the birth mom. We expect to hear from her tomorrow as she has her weekly check-up with her OB and promised us updates.

I want to text her. But I have no idea what to say. And, I don’t know the rules regarding proper interaction quantity between birth mom’s and adoptive parents during the match. Right now I could really use a handbook entitled:

how to talk to someone who is seriously considering giving you their child.

Anyways, I’m yet to come across said handbook. And, I really doubt one could be written because every situation will be different. Every adoptive parent will be different and every single birth mom will be different.

But I can promise you, as someone trained in communication and facilitation, this has been the hardest interaction(s) I’ve ever had. Balancing our excitement, our fears and our need to be respectful to birth mom is very hard. And add in that the birth mom is likely (I say likely because I really don’t know and I cannot speak for her or any other birth mom) feeling a combination of excitement and fear. Seriously, hardest interactions ever.

Anyways, while I really want to text her and check in, I’m not. I don’t even know what I’d say if I texted her today. And, I really don’t want to be overbearing.

But seriously, I’m going crazy.

The silence is almost deafening.

So, I think my plan right now is that if we don’t here from here by tomorrow night, I think I’ll text and politely check in about her OB appointment. It gives me an excuse to say hi and check in on baby and her.

I have no idea how I am going to survive the next few weeks of this!

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21 Comments on “The Silence Is Deafening

  1. This is so tough :-s I think your plan to message her after her OB appt sounds just about right amount of space but showing her you care too. I have no words but admiration for you keeping your sanity right now 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think space is necessary. I can’t imagine being on either side of the equation, but I would imagine her side to be extremely scary right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know my experience is far from universal, but I would have found the silence deafening on my side as well, as a birth mom. My daughter’s adoptive mom checked in with me daily, but we talked more like friends would, and not always about the baby. This obviously varies vastly depending on your current relationship and how you each hope things go until and after the birth.

    But I would be careful to assume that she needs space just because
    she isn’t initiating conversation. A lot of pregnant women (even those who planned and are going
    to parent their babies) feel overlooked and like the focus is all about the baby. It can be lonely. If you have a friendly rapport with her it wouldn’t hurt to reach out and talk to her about little things, what’s her favorite tv show, what has been her biggest craving (which could also give you something extra for the gift you’re planning to give her!), etc.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Funny enough, I was thinking the same. The polite, cautious side of me loved MPBs plan – checking in re: OB appt is tactful and sensitive. But they did have an agreement in place that the birth mom would check in before that and if she’s anything like me, yes she’s needing space and processing but she’s also probably feeling guilty that she didn’t check in and the whole process is weighing on her. A gentle and kind hello with no pressure to respond type text could help. Just something like: I was just thinking about you and hope tomorrow’s OB appt goes well. I’ll get in touch after….

      As you say she probably feels pretty isolated and that the relationship is delicate because baby is the focus. But no one but the MPBs can really get the emotions she’s probably feeling right now as she gets closer to making this decision 😀.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Goodness, I can imagine that feeling. Wanting to reach out but not wanting to smother. Wondering how she’s doing but not wanting her to feel like you’re not respecting boundaries, etc…

    Maybe you could text her tomorrow morning to wish her luck at her appointment – something like “I hope all goes well at your appointment today, we’ll be thinking of you!”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh man, that sounds so hard to navigate. I’d be a wreck. You guys will do it beautifully though, I’m sure!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I would feel the exact same way. I would probably just text and say “How are you feeling today?” It’s not overbearing, and shows that you care about not just the baby, but her as well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That is super hard! Probably especially hard because you’re such a good communicator! I would probably wait for the weekly updates after her doctor’s appointments. The communication might naturally increase over time. But you need to do what’s right for you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So true! And everyone, even outside of the adoption world, is different about how much and how fast they respond back. It’s a lot to think about and something that is 110% on our mind isn’t always the same % in their mind 😦 Our paperwork is in Ethiopia getting translated then it’s going to be deafening silence for up to a year or possibly more, no status checks, nothing, just supposed to live our life and not obsess until we get a match…aye yi yi! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What a difficult predicament. I would be staring at my phone all day long waiting for something. 🙂 I think that checking up on her OB appointment is a great plan. Can you reach out to the adoption coordinators and find out their opinion on communication. Wishing you the best and hopefully you hear back from her soon. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m not very good at waiting for things to happen, and would probably send her a message tonight just asking her how she’s been feeling the past couple of days. Or in the morning wish her luck for the appointment and let her know that you’ve been thinking about them both. And like you said, if you haven’t heard from her by tomorrow night just a quick text to see how things went, and how she’s feeling. I don’t think there is a proper way to go about communicating. Just go with your gut.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh man! I can totally understanding emanating to check in but at the same time not knowing what to say. I think doctors appts are a good excuse to do just that! Hope touching base with her tomorrow gives you so reassurance!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m so behind on commenting and reading and I hate it. I know my comments aren’t what they have been in the past, but please know that I think about you guys every single day…even if I don’t get to read your posts the day that you write them. Sending you lots of love, Friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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