Sometimes Things Go Right
I have to really awesome things to report:
First, it turns out the lump in my breast is nothing. I’ll admit outside of a few moments of intese anxiety, I was never too worried that it was cancer. But it’s still awesome to KNOW it’s not cancer! The ultrasound tech couldn’t see a problem with the lump and the radiologist personally re-do the test to confirmed it is in fact nothing . So, I found out immediately that I have normal breast tissue and nothing more. She figures that the reason the lump is there right now has to do with how sick I’ve been. Which is a-okay by me!
Second, my bronchitis is getting better. The antibiotics kicked in over the weekend and I’ve been on an upward swing ever since. I’m still coughing a lot which is still making for some less then restful sleep, but I am generally feeling so much better. I may even start caring for Baby MPB again now that we are nearly positive I wont be contagious. Although, since I’m paranoid about getting him sick, I really do wish there was some sort of testing to confirm that I am no longer contagious.
Third, Baby MPB is still healthy. Even with how sick I’ve been, we’ve been able to keep him healthy. Mr. MPB has literally been doing everything for almost 2 weeks now, and I’ve been washing my hands about 89,000 time a minute and not touching Baby MPB.
Fourth, I had a realization. I have now had 4 straight ultrasounds without having a problem! After what feels like hundreds of ultrasounds, all ending with miscarriages, I finally have had some end well!
- Months ago, I found out my IUD was placed correctly.
- Baby MPB’s ultrasound photos were the first time an ultrasound photo resulted in our one and only living child.
- I just got news that I not have breast cancer, which is some pretty awesome news.
- While not related to me directly, an amazing friend and a constant support showed me her hard fought healthy baby ultrasound photos. At each appointment she keeps getting good news, and to see her beautiful baby growing, was simply amazing – I was so excited and honoured that she shared them with me that I think I’ve spent more time looking at her baby ultrasound photos then I have at Baby MPBs ultrasound photos! And, as a deeply caring and compassionate individual, she even asked if I wanted to see them as she knows very well just how triggering they can be.
But, the point of this is that I’ve spent years living in fear of ultrasounds, and yet the last 4 that I’ve personally seen have been different. Somehow, I feel as though the fear is leaving me. (Don’t get me wrong, if for any reason I ever need another date with a dildo-cam, I’ll probably break into a cold sweat and have tears rolling down my cheeks). But for right now, I appreciate how normal I feel.
After years of losses, and countless medical appointments and procedures, I stopped feeling normal. I always felt like no-one in our real lives could relate and at times it was so lonely. I often felt like a combination of a lab rat and a pin cushion. And, at my lowest points, there were times I felt like I was a shell of myself walking around just faking it. And yet, today, I realized that I’m okay.
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