I took Baby MPB for a check-up this morning. He is doing wonderfully. He’s grown an absolute tonne to the point where the doctor suggested more solids and less formula. Which is fine and should be easy enough to do, and should be happening anyways because of his age. So, all in all, we have a happy and healthy little boy.
While the doctor and I were chatting I asked him to test some of my levels – my thyroid, iron, etc. We chatted briefly and I told him I’ve been struggling the last few weeks and I’m really hoping I can blame it on something like my thyroid. I gave him the colesnotes version of what I wrote yesterday – that I’m feeling overworked, overwhelmed and overtired. He decided to test a bunch of stuff. Now I just need to make an appointment to get the blood work done.
He also asked me point blank if I’m feeling suicidal. I’m truly not, so I’m not worried about anything like that. Thankfully! But, I did tell him I’m feeling like I need a vacation from everything and we have a long weekend in the mountains in a few weeks. To which he said, good, book another one for next month too. And, I think I just might. Then he asked what I plan to do about feeling overworked, overwhelmed and overtired – a seemingly simple question. I told him I have no idea but I am hoping to see my councilor soon and at least talk through a bunch of this.
On the way home from the doctor appointment I call my councilor’s office to be put on her cancellation list for when she’s back at work. I honestly refuse to go talk to someone else, I’m not interested in retelling the story of my last few years to bring someone else up to speed. I’m confident we’d end up spending the whole session just on my back story and I honestly don’t see how that will help anything. So I’d rather just wait.
So, now I have a bit of an action plan:
- Get blood work
- hope for a random appointment to come up.
And, thanks everyone your encouragement and support the last few days.
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I’ve been struggling the last few weeks, I suspect to most that’s obvious. But what makes the last few weeks noteworthy is that I think I’m struggling more so then I ever have since Baby MPB joined our lives.
I am thankful every single day for my little guy. He makes me smile. He makes me see life in a different perspective. He makes me happy. He is my everything.
But, I’m still struggling:
- The childcare stuff has me anxious.
- The adoption stuff has me preoccupied.
- The minor home repairs we are doing just isn’t ideal timing, but it all needs to get done.
- Heck, making time to visit friends has felt stressful not enjoyable, which is so not like me.
- The fact that almost all of our in-real-life friends have moved away.
- Work is feeling overwhelming, mainly because I don’t have enough time to actually work.
- And right now I feel like the in-law visit just put me on the edge of sanity.
I booked the appointment with my counselor because I feel the tension building in side. I feel myself withdrawing, which is always a sign that I’m struggling. I know I need to talk about it all, I know talking will help. And then, like everything right now, she cancelled on me due to a severe illness and her assistant isn’t sure how long she is going to be away for.
Rationally, I know I’ll get through this.
Rationally, I know this is just a rough patch.
Practically I feel as though once we find a way to get our lives back under control, I’ll feel better. The crux of the problem is I just don’t know how to get things back under control and I don’t feel like there is an end in sight.
But here’s the thing, when it comes to feeling emotional/overworked/exhausted/overwhelmed, constantly remembering the rational side of everything doesn’t come easy. At least not for me.
So, while I wait for my counselor to be well enough to return to work, I received a timely and much appreciated reminder that postpartum depression (PPD) also exists for adoptive parents. I honestly don’t think it’s that bad yet, but I suspect its probably wise for me to be cognizant of the fact that I could experience a form of PPD.
And yet, honestly, this knowledge isn’t particularly helpful in and of itself. I simply feel that for the time being, I just have to continue to function in survival mode to get through this rough patch.
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My Perfect Breakdown 