This upcoming visit with my family has got me thinking. I really do miss my mom and my sister.
It’s funny/odd/surprising how after almost 20 years, these raw emotions can still flow through me from time to time. They say time heals all wounds, but really, it feels more like a constant scab that is often on my mind, and then every now and again the scab is torn off and hurts all over again.
Thanks to this blog I know a few other women who are in very similar situations, in that they struggled to have child(ren) without their mom’s at their side. Some of these women now have a child (or two) and some do not. And, I appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in my emotions, but gosh, my heart just breaks for anyone who understands the emotions of desperately wanting a hug or a conversation with your mom – somehow for me it just feels like when I’m at my lowest my mom would know what to say and if nothing else she’d give me an amazing hug and cry with me. I guess, there is something about always, no matter how old we are, always wanting to have your mom to turn to.
Anyways, I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this today. Maybe I’m just attempting to acknowledge some feelings that I’ve really been pushing to the side since Baby MPB was born. Or maybe I’m just trying to let myself acknowledge that my mom would have been the world’s best Grandmothers and my sister one of the world’s best Aunt’s (yes, I am biased and I’m okay with that), and it just seems to unfair that after everything we went through to have Baby MPB, they don’t get to experience that part of life. Or maybe I’m just bitter that Baby MPB will never get to know the two of them – yes, he will be brought up knowing of them, but that’s just not the same.
I don’t know, my minds a bit of a mushy place right now, I’m not exactly sure what the root of my emotions are. All, I know right now is that no matter how much I may wish for just one more moment with either of them, or wish that they could know Baby MPB and he could know them, that’s just not going to be our reality. And so, this is just one more thing my heart will long for. And today rather then pushing these emotions aside, I will let them sit and let it be whatever it is they will be.
☆ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. Wishing you lots of love and yummy food too.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
I’d love to say that I didn’t post this morning because I was soundly sleeping in. But, nope, I had another horrible night of sleep that consisted of multiple coughing fits.
Anyways, maybe one day I’ll start to get healthy. Today is day 3 of antibiotics, so they should start to kick in anytime now. And, I desperately need them to kick in – we are hosting 5, maybe 12 family members this weekend. The first 5 people I am so incredibly excited to see – they live have a world away from us and we don’t often get to see them, and of course they planned this visit well before I got sick and it’s not something we can just reschedule. Some of my fondest memories of growing up are with my Aunt and Uncle. Even with the distance, and raising 5 kids of her own, my Aunt was an amazing surrogate mother to me after my mom died. She was there to do those girl things that no 14 year old really wants to ask their Dad to do – you know, shopping for things like bras and feminine products, getting our nails done, sewing my favourite shorts after I ripped them, etc. And more then anything, I didn’t fell like I had a lot of people in my corner at that time in my life, and she was always there when I need to talk. Needless to say, a visit with her, brings back so many fond memories.
The other possible 5 or 7 people, well they are just causing Mr. MPB and I a tad bit of stress. And honestly, very selfishly taking away from what I had envisioned for months as a special visit with my Aunt and my son. I think for me, in an odd way, I know I’ll never get to show my son off to my Mom, and so being able to share him with my Aunt is like a bit of a second best scenario. I’m not going to complain to those other people, because I know I’ll come across as whiny and selfish, and I just wont win in the long run. So, Mr. MPB and I are just accepting the weekend as whatever it will be.
But I cannot like, I’m already exhausted just thinking about the possibility of 12 people in our house that will not comfortably fit 12 people! And, my biggest concern is that I will have to sleep in our bed, next to Baby MPB’s room – which means if I’m still coughing I will wake up Baby MPB and Mr. MPB. Which means, Mr. MPB and I will be hosting family while being exhausted.
Wish us luck. Or maybe just wish us sleep!
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 