A Longing Heart = Emotional Mess

This upcoming visit with my family has got me thinking.  I really do miss my mom and my sister.

It’s funny/odd/surprising how after almost 20 years, these raw emotions can still flow through me from time to time.  They say time heals all wounds, but really, it feels more like a constant scab that is often on my mind, and then every now and again the scab is torn off and hurts all over again.

Thanks to this blog I know a few other women who are in very similar situations, in that they struggled to have child(ren) without their mom’s at their side.  Some of these women now have a child (or two) and some do not.  And, I appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in my emotions, but gosh, my heart just breaks for anyone who understands the emotions of desperately wanting a hug or a conversation with your mom – somehow for me it just feels like when I’m at my lowest my mom would know what to say and if nothing else she’d give me an amazing hug and cry with me.  I guess, there is something about always, no matter how old we are, always wanting to have your mom to turn to.

Anyways, I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this today.  Maybe I’m just attempting to acknowledge some feelings that I’ve really been pushing to the side since Baby MPB was born.  Or maybe I’m just trying to let myself acknowledge that my mom would have been the world’s best Grandmothers and my sister one of the world’s best Aunt’s (yes, I am biased and I’m okay with that), and it just seems to unfair that after everything we went through to have Baby MPB, they don’t get to experience that part of life.  Or maybe I’m just bitter that Baby MPB will never get to know the two of them – yes, he will be brought up knowing of them, but that’s just not the same.

I don’t know, my minds a bit of a mushy place right now, I’m not exactly sure what the root of my emotions are.  All, I know right now is that no matter how much I may wish for just one more moment with either of them, or wish that they could know Baby MPB and he could know them, that’s just not going to be our reality.  And so, this is just one more thing my heart will long for.  And today rather then pushing these emotions aside, I will let them sit and let it be whatever it is they will be.

☆ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. Wishing you lots of love and yummy food too.  

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15 Comments on “A Longing Heart = Emotional Mess

  1. My wife lost her mom 4 years ago and the holidays are a really tough time for her. Her mom was always very “Mrs. Claus”-like. While I don’t understand what it’s like to not have your mom and sister around or to have your child meet her, I do see what that kind of a longing heart does to someone, especially around times of the year that family is brought to the foreground. I am sad every day that my daughter won’t get to meet that grandma, as she would have made the world’s most cliché grandma and it would have been great. But like you, we are going to have to settle for telling our child all about her. Sorry you are going through all of these emotions. I hope you can focus on the good memories to balance out the longing.

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  2. Unfortunately I’m someone who also lot their mother so I understand so much of what you wrote. The pain never fully goes away. Of course it would have been amazing if she could have been there for you for longer and it is sad she won’t get to meet baby MPB (in this world anyway). And I can only imagine the pain of also losing your sister so young. Hugs x

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  3. Hugs. I don’t know what it is like to lose your mum but I have lost my Dad and Brother. The heart aches are sometimes there and sometimes not. I think grief ebbs and flows. We should allow ourselves to feel it and then pick up and keep on moving. I am sure that your mum and sister would have showered Baby MPB with lots of love, cookies and presents every holiday and celebrated all his milestones. But he will know them through you and your stories of them. Take care of yourself and I am so sorry you are hurting 🙁

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  4. I am on the other side of this…I never knew my mom’s mom , she died when my mom was 14. Even though I never met her , I miss her. I wonder what it would of been like to have her still here. It would of been so great to have her and my great grandmother together. I see what my mother has missed, and wish I could fix it. One idea that might help your little boy to know them is to make a memory book that you add to whenever you like. Write down stories or things you know they would of said at special moments. Things they said to you , or things about them. I wonder things like what was her favorite color, or food, and what did she think about things. My mother has lost so many of these memories, it would of been great to have it on paper. It might help you too on days when you miss them most to write them. I wonder what made her laugh…..its just a thought….sending hugs.

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  5. Oh, this is so sad. I realised after recent events that we can take our parents for granted. And our siblings too. I can’t imagine them not being here and yet, our parents are reaching the age where it becomes more possible – and that’s not thinking about terrible things that can happen to take them away. I’m sorry you are missing your mum and sister. Thinking of you and sending you hugs. X

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  6. Aww…Happy Thanksgiving to you…I know your Mom and Sis are watching over you and so proud…and you are allowed to feel bitter that Baby MPB will not be able to know them..I’m sure they would win Greatest Garndmother snd Auntie(though my Auntie Sis would give yours s run for her money 😉 So much love sent your way…hope you had a beautiful holiday! Xo

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  7. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. It’s hard enough to have my Dad gone but the thought of my Mom passing sends me to tears every time. Even when you don’t feel like it, you’re an amazingly strong woman to have dealt with the rough hand that you’ve been dealt. Your Mom and Sister would be so proud of how you’ve handled everything and I can bet, would have loved watching you be a Mom. Love to you, my Friend!

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