A Longing Heart = Emotional Mess
It’s funny/odd/surprising how after almost 20 years, these raw emotions can still flow through me from time to time. They say time heals all wounds, but really, it feels more like a constant scab that is often on my mind, and then every now and again the scab is torn off and hurts all over again.
Thanks to this blog I know a few other women who are in very similar situations, in that they struggled to have child(ren) without their mom’s at their side. Some of these women now have a child (or two) and some do not. And, I appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in my emotions, but gosh, my heart just breaks for anyone who understands the emotions of desperately wanting a hug or a conversation with your mom – somehow for me it just feels like when I’m at my lowest my mom would know what to say and if nothing else she’d give me an amazing hug and cry with me. I guess, there is something about always, no matter how old we are, always wanting to have your mom to turn to.
Anyways, I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this today. Maybe I’m just attempting to acknowledge some feelings that I’ve really been pushing to the side since Baby MPB was born. Or maybe I’m just trying to let myself acknowledge that my mom would have been the world’s best Grandmothers and my sister one of the world’s best Aunt’s (yes, I am biased and I’m okay with that), and it just seems to unfair that after everything we went through to have Baby MPB, they don’t get to experience that part of life. Or maybe I’m just bitter that Baby MPB will never get to know the two of them – yes, he will be brought up knowing of them, but that’s just not the same.
I don’t know, my minds a bit of a mushy place right now, I’m not exactly sure what the root of my emotions are. All, I know right now is that no matter how much I may wish for just one more moment with either of them, or wish that they could know Baby MPB and he could know them, that’s just not going to be our reality. And so, this is just one more thing my heart will long for. And today rather then pushing these emotions aside, I will let them sit and let it be whatever it is they will be.
☆ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. Wishing you lots of love and yummy food too.
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