So the big question on my mind today is if we turn down the donor embryos, will we/I regret it for the rest of my life?
Mr. MPB and I both completely agree that we are not ready for a second child today. But, we also both agree that we aren’t sure we ever will be ready for a second child, and we just don’t think it’s fair to ask our friends to wait indefinitely for us to make a decision.
We know the biggest factors standing in our way right now:
- Cost. Money is a big part of our hesitation in moving forward with the embryo adoption. Honestly, we just don’t know how we will ever be able to afford a paid gestational carrier after all our adoption expenses. And we just don’t have anyone in our real lives lining up to volunteer their uterus.
- Mental Health. Attempting another pregnancy, even with a gestational carrier, simply scares both Mr. MPB and I.
- Impacts on Baby MPB. See points 1 and 2.
- The process/legalities of gestational carriers in Canada. Honestly, I think some of our hesitation here is that we just survived an international adoption process that was absolutely nothing like what we expected. And truthfully, in someways, I think we are still a emotionally scarred from some aspects of the process which makes us hesitate to jump into another process that we don’t fully understand. Also, from a purely technical standpoint, we cannot seem to figure out the Canadian laws as it seems like it’s illegal to pay someone, yet it’s done frequently – it just doesn’t make sense to us.
And now, there is a new thing very important for us to consider. There is another couple who would love to adopt the embryos to try to grow their family. We have essentially been given first right of refusal, but for us, this piece of information is a drastic game changer. How in the world can we stand in the way of another couple’s possible family simply because we cannot make a decision? It doesn’t seem fair to the other couple, to our friends or even to the embryos.
But, I have this one very selfish thing holding me back from saying no – what if this really is our only chance at another child and in a few years this becomes the biggest regret of my life?
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This Christmas is unlike any Christmas I’ve ever experienced before. This year, I will see Christmas through the eyes of my son, which is truly remarkable and something I will not take for granted.
Yet, I also do not want to pretend that it will be picture perfect.
For starters, we are doing the insane family juggle that we’ve boycotted for the last 5 years. Our crazy starts on December 23 and doesn’t end until January 1, and we return to work full time on January 2. I’m dreading nearly every single second of driving hundreds of kilometers late at night from one house to another, hosting dinners, preparing meals, cleaning bedding between different guests, managing a naptime/bedtime schedule, etc. I truthfully think I am going to need a vacation to recover from Christmas this year, and I honestly have no idea what we were thinking when we agreed to a number of things this year.
Also, since my mom and sister died, Christmas just hasn’t been the same. This year, like every year, they will be on my mind.
Photo Source: Adapted from Office.com Clip Art
I found a set of beautiful family stockings. You know, the cute hand-made looking stockings that will have everyone’s names on them – Mom, Dad and Baby MPB. I asked a friend to put the names on them about a month ago, since I’m not artistically inclined. She agreed at the time, but now has told me she wont have them to us before Christmas and she lives too far away for me to get them back from her plain before Christmas. I’m totally disappointed!
Photo Source: Adapted from Office.com Clip Art
Oh, and let’s not forget that we spent yesterday building and wrapping Baby MPB’s Christmas gifts, and that was just an argument waiting to happen. Not really sure what the cause was, but I felt like Mr. MPB didn’t want help and he was complaining the entire time – I’m told there is no point on wrapping Baby MPB’s gifts because he’s too little to get it. Yet, when I explained that I want his first Christmas to have a sense of magic and I really want photo of him with the Christmas tree on his first ever Christmas morning, it didn’t seem to matter. Eventually we just built/wrapped in silence because we simply weren’t about to agree.
Heck, even just putting up the Christmas tree this year felt like a chore. I did almost all of it on my own while Mr. MPB watched TV. In fact, at one
Photo Source: Adapted from Office.com Clip Art
point he wasn’t even helping me even find the Christmas stuff in the storage room so I stopped for the night and just gave up until he’d show a bit of interest. The next night we decorated, but never even bothered to decorate the back part of the tree that no-one really sees (Mr. MPB’s idea, not mine, and I just didn’t care anymore).
So, needless to say, preparing for Baby MPB’s first Christmas has been less then the ideal vision I’ve held in my head for so many years.
And, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m trying to make Christmas magical this year, but it’s still not perfect. And, I’m mostly okay with that. More then anything, I just want Baby MPB to be loved and to enjoy Christmas. And I realize that even if the back of the tree isn’t decorated and the MPB adults couldn’t get along while wrapping presents, Baby MPB is still going to have a great Christmas and I will get to watch his eyes light up as he plays with his new toys (or boxes and wrapping paper). And even if the insane family juggle has the MPB adults wanting to cancel Christmas, Baby MPB is going to be surrounded by family and friends, he is going to be loved by everyone. And that really is all that matters.
And maybe, I’ll just have to have an extra Candy Cane martini when the Christmas crazy gets to be too much!
Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art
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