Today marks 4 years since my first D&C (our second loss). It was also my first ever surgery, and my first stay in a hospital.
And, also, while we didn’t know it at the time, it was also the real start of our infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss journey.
I still remember being wheeled into the operating room, I had never been inside one before. I remember counting the number of nurses, doctors and support staff in the room – 11. 11 people were required to remove the products of conception from me, after misoprostol did not work. I remember the doctor reviewing my case with the team before they put me out, and I remember them confirming with me that this was in fact me. I remember thinking, yes, but how can it be me? This baby was supposed to be born healthy, months from now. How am I here right now? Why us? I never got answers.
Instead, miscarriages just became our norm. Pregnancy became something we feared (and I still do). Medical procedures became regularly scheduled events. Doctor appointments became weekly events. And at the same time, our social lives dwindled as we skipped almost all family events and many social events with our friends. Some of our friendships drastically changed – we did lose some friends through it all, and other friends were remarkable in their efforts to try to help us. Honestly, living through loss, trying just to survive from day to day, was a hard way to live.
And, it still amazes me to think that miscarriages and medical appointments and procedures became our norm, it just doesn’t seem right or fair.
It’s truly amazing to think that it was 4 years ago. In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, like all that bad stuff was years and years ago. It felt like forever that we lived in fear of our next loss, we flew across the continent to seek out expert medical advice from Dr. Braverman. Yet, I remember those emotions like it was yesterday, and I carry the scars of years of loss in my heart on a daily basis.
And yet in other ways, it’s like wow, it’s only been 4 years?! How in the world did we start this journey just over 4 years ago? How did we manage to go through 5 losses, choose adoption, choose international adoption, get through the insane amount of adoption red-tape, be chosen by our son’s birth mother and now actually be raising our baby who is verging on the edge of toddlerhood?! How did that all happen in just over 4 years?!
I will never ever say going through so many losses was worth it, but I will say that I am so thankful that we are a family of three today. I will forever be thankful that we chose adoption and our son’s birth mother chose us.
When I look in my son’s eyes I’m still blown away that I am his mother and that he is my son. Through everything, our little boy is all Mr. MPB and I ever dreamed of and we both realize just how fortunate we are to have him in our family.
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The other day when we were at the hospital emergency room for Baby MPB to have tummy x-rays, we all went into the x-ray room for his x-rays. As the x-ray tech took Baby MPB to wrap him with blankets and strap him onto a body board that was perfectly sized for his little body, she indicated that Mr. MPB and I should stand behind some sort of clear partition due to the x-rays. However, as she was leaving the room to take the first image she looked at me, and simply said “mom, there is no chance your pregnant again, right?”
To which, Mr. MPB looked at me with his classic smirk and I almost laughed out loud when I said “nope, not a chance!”
It’s funny, once upon a time that question would have irked me and got under my skin. It would have made me annoyed that I’d have to repeat our history and explain my biology. But this time, I had no reason to share my medical history, and I didn’t feel compelled to tell a complete stranger that Baby MPB is adopted*, so I just didn’t say anything more.
Instead, this time I thought to myself, oh lady, if only you knew who you just asked that to! You see, I’m a rather sarcastic person in real life, and sometimes I am known to have a bit of a sarcastic narrative running through my mind and this was one of those sarcastic moments. I couldn’t help but laugh that me not being pregnant is very much a sure thing. Needless to say I have no doubt in my mind that I’m not pregnant right now, and I truly hope I go the rest of my life without being pregnant again. All things she obviously had no ability to know, and she was just doing her job by asking.
I guess this was the first time in a medical situation that I’ve just been treated as a normal mom, and not as an infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss patient reciting pages of medical history and details about our decision to adopt. And, it was nice to leave all my baggage sitting to the side just this once.
* We don’t hide the fact that Baby MPB is adopted, we are very open about his adoption and our path to become a family. But, we also don’t include his adoption as part of our first conversation with strangers, it’s very much dependent on the circumstances.
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