4 Years

Today marks 4 years since my first D&C (our second loss).  It was also my first ever surgery, and my first stay in a hospital.

And, also, while we didn’t know it at the time, it was also the real start of our infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss journey.

I still remember being wheeled into the operating room, I had never been inside one before.  I remember counting the number of nurses, doctors and support staff in the room – 11.  11 people were required to remove the products of conception from me, after misoprostol did not work.  I remember the doctor reviewing my case with the team before they put me out, and I remember them confirming with me that this was in fact me.  I remember thinking, yes, but how can it be me?  This baby was supposed to be born healthy, months from now.  How am I here right now?  Why us?  I never got answers.

Instead, miscarriages just became our norm.  Pregnancy became something we feared (and I still do).  Medical procedures became regularly scheduled events.  Doctor appointments became weekly events.  And at the same time, our social lives dwindled as we skipped almost all family events and many social events with our friends.  Some of our friendships drastically changed – we did lose some friends through it all, and other friends were remarkable in their efforts to try to help us.  Honestly, living through loss, trying just to survive from day to day, was a hard way to live.

And, it still amazes me to think that miscarriages and medical appointments and procedures became our norm, it just doesn’t seem right or fair.

It’s truly amazing to think that it was 4 years ago.  In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, like all that bad stuff was years and years ago.  It felt like forever that we lived in fear of our next loss, we flew across the continent to seek out expert medical advice from Dr. Braverman.  Yet, I remember those emotions like it was yesterday, and I carry the scars of years of loss in my heart on a daily basis.

And yet in other ways, it’s like wow, it’s only been 4 years?!  How in the world did we start this journey just over 4 years ago?  How did we manage to go through 5 losses, choose adoption, choose international adoption, get through the insane amount of adoption red-tape, be chosen by our son’s birth mother and now actually be raising our baby who is verging on the edge of toddlerhood?!  How did that all happen in just over 4 years?!

I will never ever say going through so many losses was worth it, but I will say that I am so thankful that we are a family of three today.  I will forever be thankful that we chose adoption and our son’s birth mother chose us.

When I look in my son’s eyes I’m still blown away that I am his mother and that he is my son.  Through everything, our little boy is all Mr. MPB and I ever dreamed of and we both realize just how fortunate we are to have him in our family.

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15 Comments on “4 Years

  1. Time sure does fly when we’re so busy and preoccupied. I’m so happy you have your little squishy boy…give him a big hug from me! (It’ll help you feel better, too 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

  2. May 6th this year will be the 4 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. My husband couldn’t believe it. 4 years seem so short and so long at the same time.


  3. It’s amazing how these dates can be seated into the memory. I too remember the endless appts and hope that came along with each one. I know what you mean about not saying “it was all worth it” and am so happy that you have reached this point in life. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This feels so real to me. February 26 is the three year anniversary of my first d&e. The days feel long but the years feel short. Like it was yesterday but yet three years of my life have already gone by without that baby 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know how you managed to get through it and still be a wonderful happy person who can see the good side of life! I’m glad that little almost-toddler boy is bringing you such joy. You are awesome! X


  6. I’m currently going through my 2nd loss in the space of a year, I feel your pain and the emptiness it left. I’m so happy that you know have your little boy ✨


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