I’ve been spending a lot of time lately focusing on the possibility of adoption and all the fears and worries that relate to adoption. And, with the events of last week, and our 5th loss, more and more I do not believe we will end up with biological children. After our 5th loss, I just see that hope fading, and fading quickly for that matter.
So, in addition to the possibility of adoption, I have also been thinking about the possibility of a childfree life, I just haven’t spent much time writing about it. I see two distinct options ahead of us:
- Children – either biological or non-biological
- Childfree
If you asked me any time prior to experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss / miscarriage, what will my future family look like, I would have automatically assumed my family would consist of my husband, myself and 2 or 3 children. Children would be part of the equation. Like most people, I had been taught through the education system that sex = baby. I made the assumption that it was just that simple, and I understand that for most people it is that simple. But for my husband and I, it is just not that simple. And, we had truly never considered a life without children before. And, now it is a real possibility, and we are forced to consider it as an option.
So, now thanks for RPL, we’ve been given time to think, like really think about what our family will look like. What do I want my family to look like? What am I okay with my family looking like?
This can be complicated, as want and okay are two very different perspectives. The want is obvious, but the okay with is slowly becoming our reality. So, here is what I have figured out:
- My husband is the most important person in the world to me. He is my family. He and I are the only one that truly matters in all of this decision making. I will sacrifice almost anything to make us happy.
- The ideal family – husband, wife, 2 or 3 kids – still hasn’t changed. But I am accepting and fully acknowledge that the ideal is unlikely to be attainable for us. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of 2 or 3, and now really only think about the possibility of 1.
- Having one child will not be the end of the world, and in some ways may be a good thing. By having fewer children, we will have more money to give that one child every opportunity possible. For example, our child will be cultured as we will travel more frequently than most families with multiple children.
- Children may not be and do not have to be part of my life. I can accept that as our reality, if I know we tried everything to make a healthy child our reality.
- Biology really doesn’t matter to me, but heath does, which is what makes the the idea of adoption very difficult for me. I want a healthy, non-addicted, non-disabled child. When considering children, this matters more to me than anything else.
- I will not sacrifice my life, my husband’s life, and our happiness simply to be parents to any child regardless of the child’s health. Our quality of life matters, and counts in this decision. We will be happier without children, then we will be with a child who suffers from something like fetal alcohol syndrome. I respect and admire anyone who can do this, but I know we cannot. I fully accept this about us.
- I am not afraid of a childfree life, like I am adoption. I know what that life will look like. I know my husband and I will be together, we will travel, we will enjoy the finer things in life, we will likely have nicer and newer cars than most and we probably won’t not need to worry about finances. But, we will likely harbor some sadness for the family that we never had, and we will have to learn to live with this in the background – sort of like a little grey cloud that will follow us around for the rest of our lives.
So, what does this all mean? There is a very good chance we will end up childfree. Depending on the hour/day/week, I think this will likely be our future, rather than having children through adoption.
I think eventually we will give up this obsession with children, with putting my body through torture, with putting our spirits through hell, and simply chose to focus on our happiness and a healthy lifestyle.
(But, don’t be surprised if I write something that completely contradicts this next week or sometime in the future).
A little while ago, we had some family visit. My brother’s family to be precise. Their family consists of:
- Dad
- Mom
- Child 1 – 4 years old
- Child 2 – 4 months old
From the outside, they appear to have a very traditional family structure in which Dad is not very involved at home; rather, he works long hours and then goes to beer league hockey, ultimate Frisbee, etc. The wife, is also a professional with her own career, which is taking a bit of a backseat for the time being.
They have not had everything handed to them on a silver platter. Child 2 was part of a set of identical twins. One twin died prior to birth. As I said, not everything has been easy. Life has not gone perfectly. But to the outside world, they appear to be persevering.
Anyways, on to the point of this little anecdote. They stayed with us for a night. We all got along well, actually very well. My husband and I were making a good effort to be nice, to be supportive, and to help out with their kids. We constantly played with Child 1 who is currently starved for attention with the new addition to the family. My husband was the all-star uncle who won the heart of that little 4 year old. We even babysat Child 2 for a few hours so that they could have some rare time just with Child 1. We made the visit easier by putting our dog in a different room for the most part (I hate doing this, by my brother hates all dogs and his kids are not very familiar with them and I didn’t feel like an argument). At no point did my brother drive me crazy (he normally does an excellent job of pushing every single one of my annoyance trigger buttons).
Yet, as we listened to Mom and Dad converse with each other, we noticed things were not all right. We noticed little jabs directed at each other:
Maybe if you spent more time with Child 2, you’d know how to rock Child 2 to sleep.
Hurry up and eat your sandwich, I don’t want to hold Child 2 anymore.
Since it’s my birthday, maybe you could change just one diaper.
I’ve learned long ago, that what people are willing to say publicly is not always the same as what goes on behind closed doors. Usually, the tougher moments and the harder conversations are kept for private. So, as they were making these jabs at each other, in our presence, without even seeming to care that we were in the room, I made the assumption that it might be worse behind close doors.
My heart broke a little bit for them.
I spent some time alone with Mom and Child 2 while we went for a walk. For the first time ever with me, she expressed some not so good things to me about how upset she was that my brother is adamant about going on a 5 days guy weekend, rather than helping with the kids and spending his limited vacation days with the family. All-be-it, this isn’t the worst thing you could say about your spouse, but in addition to everything else we heard, it added to my sadness.
The irony is, that I had been worried about this visit. I had been worried about seeing Child 2 again. I had been avoiding seeing him again because of all of my emotions wrapped around that child (see here for more on that). Instead, this weekend, when they left, I worried about them and their family. I worried that maybe these jabs between husband and wife hold more than meets the eye. I worried about my brother’s lack of involvement more than I ever had before, as I saw the potential consequences more vividly. I worried about her ability to do all of this alone all the time. I hoped that this was just a lot of exhaustion shining through and that with time they will settle into being a relatively happy family of 4. I hope my brother and his wife find a way to get through everything they are currently facing and I hope they are actually working on the emotional recovery of losing one of the twins.
But for me, right now, I take this experience as a good reminder that just because someone else appears to have everything, doesn’t mean that they actually do. If you don’t nourish and care for all the relationships that matter to you – whether it be your marriage, or your children, or your family, or your friendships – then it’s easy to let them slip away. No-one leads the perfect life, and everyone has their struggles. I’ve always believed that:
It’s how you handle the adversity that defines your personal character, and not the adversity itself.
My Perfect Breakdown 