I’ve decided my psychologist must think I’m crazy, even if my actual medical diagnosis doesn’t say crazy anywhere (see that post here). Now, I know what you are thinking – she’s trained to deal with crazies. This is her lives work. She’s probably seen worse. I cannot possibly be the craziest person that she’s ever dealt with.
I once thought that too. But I was wrong. You see, I am now confident that I am actually the craziest (is craziest even a word?).
Why you ask?
- The first day I met her I’m not sure I even reach the chair before I burst into tears. I went to discuss stress management techniques (this was before our miscarriages even started), and I had a complete emotional breakdown. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that with a perfect stranger before.
- She provided sound advice for over a year, which I, an educated professional, promptly chose to ignore. And the irony of this isn’t lost on me – I went to her for advice on how to deal with stress and when she gave me her advice, which is what I asked for, I discarded it. I’m a sure when I finally did attempt to quit my job she actually thought “I told you so. Imagine where you’d be today if you had just listed to me a year ago”. Okay, maybe she didn’t actually think that, but I would have if I were her and I think she should have.
- Some days I meet with her and I seem to have it all together. I’m guessing she must be able to see through this, but yet I question why she lets me have these delusional sessions.
- I went to one group session and never went back. Reason being – I didn’t have any sympathy for the other people in the room (which made me feel slightly horrible about the type of person I am). My thought process went something like seriously, you are sad because your boyfriend dumped you? Or you got fired from your job a year ago and you don’t know how to go on? Seriously, you’re 20, you will have more boyfriends, don’t let some guy define you. Have more respect for yourself. And go get a new job, they aren’t that hard to come by in this booming part of the world. You are qualified. Get some confidence. Yes, that’s right, my life sucks worse and I’m holding it together better. Yup, I have no sympathy or compassion for others and I’m a horrible person…this has to qualify me for some sort of crazy.
- I have held my life together, almost perfectly from the time I was 14. And I always portrayed the perfect façade – no-one knew just how deep some of the hidden pain has been – heck, even I didn’t realized it. And it has taken until now before I ever been willing to admit that it’s not all sunshine and roses. There must be a psychology word for this delayed nervous breakdown.
- I refuse to have a breakdown like I assume other people would. Instead, I take all logical steps to control the situation and my outward emotions. Career Counseling – maybe that will provide me with a solution or at least help me find one? Psychologist to help me deal with stress – that should help. Of course it would help a bit more if I actually followed advice better.
I now acknowledge that I’m crazy. I never would have before, but now I think I am and I think I always was, I just did a great job hiding it. Not crazy like I need to be locked up in a padded room in a strait-jacket. Or at least I hope not. But I guess if my councilor felt I was padded room crazy she’d be negligent for not referring me to a padded room specialist – right?
When you start talking adoption, it brings up a lot of discussion around the importance of biological children. This is really important to some people, but I really could care less about the biological connection. Here are my top 10 reasons why biology doesn’t matter:
- You can chose who you love. If a person chooses to be obsessed with that biological link and makes it a barrier to sharing love and being part of someone’s life, that is there choice and there problem. Should we adopt and if anyone in our lives chooses that path, I will not be dedicating my time and effort to fix or solve their selfish issue.
- I had a biological sister. She died 17 years ago when I was just 14. I loved and continue to love her. I also have a step-sister, who came into my life when she was 3 years old and I was 14 and although there is no biological link between us and I love her. She’s 11 years younger than me, we only lived together for about 4 years while I was a teenager and she was an “annoying” kid. I didn’t make the most of that time, and I haven’t done a great job of being involved now that we are both adults as we live in different cities, but even so, I adore her. She’s a great young lady and she will continue to develop into an amazing women. I am blessed to know her and fortunate to consider her part of my family. I’m in a unique position where I can easily state that I love both my biological sister and non-biological sister. I love them differently because they are different people; but, I love them equally as my sisters. I know without a doubt that love is more important than biology.
- I know my family will accept a non-biological child. My step-family accepted me without question – or at least none that I ever knew about. As, my biological family lives in different parts of the world, one of the perks of having my step family was that I got an extended family who lived right there near us. All the sudden there were family birthday parties and celebrations. They didn’t seem to care that my Dad and I were not biologically linked and for that I am forever grateful. But, what this has also taught me is that I will have no problem “paying it forward” with a non-biological child.
- There are a lot of things about myself that I’ve never loved (i.e. migraines, asthma, allergies, really bad eye sight) and if there is no biological link, then the child wont potentially get those ailments. I know that sounds a bit lame, but honestly, then the child cannot blame us for any of their biological ailments, right? (Iaugh here – this one is funny).
- We adopted our rescue dog. She’s a dog, we are human, so there’s clearly no biological link. But she is a critical part of our family and is factored into every single decision we make. She’s pretty darn cute and we love her even when she pukes on the carpet.
- A typical family starts with two non-biological people who fall in love and decide to have kids. These two people, in this case my husband and I, have decided that we will love each other until death do us part (I’m pretty sure that was said at our wedding). So, if we, and nearly every other person in the world, can dedicate themselves to a non-biological partner to love, then shouldn’t we be able to do that with a non-biological child? (We probably shouldn’t imagine a world where biologically linked people choose to procreate – my understanding of science leads me to believe that wouldn’t be a good thing).
- We’ve all seen the cute photos of animals adopting another orphan animal of a different species. It’s not just a human instinct to care and love for others, even when they are not our own.
- You chose your friends and many people spend more time with their friends then with their family. So, doesn’t it make sense to also choose your family?
- Biology doesn’t mean you will always be connected to your family. Life happens, biology or not, people might hurt and cross each other and choose not to remain close to one another. Even with a biological link, no-one says you have to stay in touch and visit them. Heck, my husband’s family is estranged from half their family and have virtually not talked to them in over 20 years except in a courtroom.
And here is the one reason, at least for us, biology may matter to us in the end:
- My husband’s parents may actually disown him (and therefore me) for choosing to adopt a non-biological child. I know, this sounds harsh, but trust me, if you knew them you’d understand and probably agree. So, how do we make a decision that will drastically change the face of our family as we know it today? Yes, it’s easy to say screw them, or we don’t need people in our lives like that, or it’s there problem; but, in reality, it is much more complicated than that and it is very much our problem. His parents may not be perfect, but they are still his parents. To make a decision which will never be supported by them, and will likely destroy at least one side of our greater family, is simply not a decision we can make lightly.