There is no point denying that today has been hard. I think I have felt nearly every emotion possible at some point today. Emotionally I am drained.
I am blessed beyond belief that I have the most amazing clinic where I have quite possibly the best family doctor ever and the most amazing counsellor. I am ever so thankful that our family doctor and our counsellor has been at my/our side through the last few years.
I am blessed that a serendipitous moment occurred today. My counsellor was able to spend some time with me before and after the actual IUD insertion procedure. She even offered to sit through the procedure with me (in the end, I declined).
We chatted. I cried. We laughed. She gave me real psychologist advice about some sort of heart breathing and as the ever skeptic, I laughed again and promised I’d just try to remember to breath. But, anything more than that was unrealistic for me at this time.
She asked about the writing homework she gave me last week, and in fact has given me at least 3 times throughout the last year. Needless to say once again I didn’t do it. This goes perfectly with my trend, as I have been putting it off for months. I know it will be hard, I know I will hurt as it will force me to deal with more emotions. (I’ll try to remember to post more about this homework and my active avoidance of it in a few days).
She wanted to talk about my feelings, and when I was vague she gently pushed a bit harder. I eventually made her read my post from this morning because somehow it was easier to have her read it then to actually repeat the words aloud. Saying the words, just made the tears flow.
We are done.
We will never successfully create a living child together.
We have 5 dead babies in my heart, all I wanted was one living one.
We worked hard to succeed, and here we are admitting failure. I don’t fail. I don’t know how to fail. Yet here I am facing likely the biggest failure of my entire life.
Yes we will adopt, and that’s exciting, but it also means almost every aspect of our family will be more complicated and challenging.
Why can’t we have the happy ending that nearly everyone else in the history of the world seems to get so easily?
Pregnancy will always be associated with death for me.
This just isn’t how it was supposed to go for us.
Heck, now I cannot even type these things without shedding a few tears.
I know in my heart and in my soul that we made the right decision. I know that I cannot knowingly create another life when in all likelihood it will just die or be severely compromised – science has told us this, and we cannot change our circumstances. The idea of trying again and ending up in an abortion clinic again, is just not an option for our child or for me. I know our decision is the right one, but right now, that doesn’t make it any easier.
So this brings me to my question for the universe:
When will it get easy? When it is it my turn to have an easy life? When is it my turn to be naïve?
I asked my counsellor for an exact time and date, knowing full well that there is no answer. But seriously, haven’t I already been through enough? Isn’t it our turn for something in life to be easy? Please universe, it’s not often I ask for much, but right now I could really use some kindness. Maybe it’s about time that my happiness wish could come true?
I still feel rather crampy and just generally uncomfortable. And I’m tired both physically and emotionally. Mr. MPB is in charge of creating me a photographable happy moment for today and also graciously volunteered to cook supper. So, I am going to snuggle with Sadie, watch a few reruns of friends, and probably a movie or two. And I will remind myself that today is almost done, and tomorrow offers a fresh day full of hope.
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Also, a quick thank you for every single message of support today – you guys mean the world to me and your positive energy has given me so much motivation and strength to get through today. I have read every single comment and plan to respond to them all tomorrow, for now I am just soaking up your kindness and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Today is an important day. In fact, in about 4 hours I will face the actual important moment.
Today, our pregnancy journey will forever be terminated and with that our path to parenthood will be forever changed.
Today, I am finally getting my Mirena IUD inserted. I decided I was ready to get it last month, but the timing of my cycles meant that I would get it the week of Christmas (although it is not required, I decided that I needed to get it inserted at the beginning of my cycle to ensure that I am not pregnant). Anyways, I decided that I really didn’t need the emotional baggage of this procedure tainting Christmas, so here we are at the beginning of another cycle and the time is right.
Honestly, with this I have a rush of emotions all bursting from within me and competing for top spot in my heart.
Truthfully, I am a little bit excited. I will never again have to care what cycle day I’m on or deal with a two week wait. Or if it’s too early to pee on a stick. Heck, I may never have to pee on a stick again, and that’s exciting! I never again have to have ultrasounds where I will only be told of heartbreak. I cannot see any reason why I will have to endure a dildo-cam ultrasound again or why I will ever have to walk back into our dreaded local fertility clinic. And, after today, I cannot fathom a single reason why I will ever have to experience doctors shoving things into my uterus or prepping me for surgery to remove products of pregnancy. And, after today I will never have to sit at home waiting for drugs to kick in so that I can pass my child into a toilet. I am honestly very excited to leave all of these things in my past.
Oh, and I cannot forget about the pure excitement that comes along with sex just being about enjoyment again. For a few years now, sex became about scheduled procreation sex. And in the last few months it has turned into a bit of Russian roulette, as we know we excel at getting pregnant and we were relying on condoms. So, now that effective birth control is once again part of our lives, we don’t have to worry. There is no overlooking just how exciting this is!!
With this procedure I am also feeling a sense of relief. Once the Mirena IUD is in, chances are I will never again experience another miscarriage (statistically, the Mirena IUD is 99.9% effective, even more effective than a vasectomy which is 99.85% effective). Honestly, knowing that my body caused the deaths of 5 little babies, and that without substantial medical intervention which we cannot get locally and cannot responsibly afford, I would never forgive myself for trying again and losing another life. I am relieved to know that I will never watch a tiny heart beat slowly fade at weekly ultrasounds. I am relieved to know that I will not have to go through the emotional crazy train of the cycle of pregnancy-miscarriage.
I am also heartbroken. Somehow, even through everything in the last few years, I never really spent a lot of time thinking about this outcome, I always hoped that eventually it would work – heck, it has worked for eons for the vast majority of the human race, so why wouldn’t it work for us? Honestly, on some level I’ve known since our visit with Dr. Braverman in October, that this would likely be our outcome. Yet, I never really thought much about getting to today. But, regardless, here we are.
There is nothing exciting about knowing that my dream of successfully carrying our child is done and over. I am sad that I will never get to feel my baby’s first kicks as they grow and develop. My heart hurts that I will never get to see a little being that Mr. MPB and I created together – there will never be a mini-us. I feel desperately sad that my body will not cooperate with our hearts. I am frustrated beyond belief that for the first time in my life I cannot overcome – a cruel combination of science, politics and my own pragmatism stands in the way. I am heartbroken that I will always carry 5 little babies in my heart and not in my arms. I am desperately heartbroken that I will only know pregnancy to mean death, and not life.
And with all these emotions, today I am forced to acknowledge that I am not one of the ones who gets the rainbow pregnancy. I am not one of the ones who conquered biology and overcame our infertility. Instead, today I admit defeat as I stand up and acknowledge that I lost this battle.
But, today, I will also stand up and state that we will win the war. Our recurrent pregnancy loss journey is over, but our journey to have a family is not. We will be parents, we will share our love with our child(ren) and we will raise a beautiful child or two.
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* Title borrowed/inspired/stolen from According to Katie. Katie, thank you for writing a post that touched me deeply and for using these two words (relieved heartbreak) to perfectly describe my current state of being.
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My Perfect Breakdown 