What feels like a long time ago, I wrote about my nephews. (You may want to go back and read that post if you missed it, it sets the stage for today’s thoughts).
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Part of me has always hated that I shared these thoughts. A large part of me in fact.
On some levels I have felt shameful for having had these feelings towards my youngest nephew. As I said then, and I will say again, the fact that we found out about his existence the same night we found out our third baby would die and he was born a few weeks after our fourth pregnancy began (and ultimately lost) is in no way his fault. The fact that his first year of life was a reminder of what we didn’t have, again is in no way his fault. Yet, I struggled to separate him from our losses. The timing, it was just too much of a reminder.
I hated knowing that one day my brother, his wife, or either of their children could read this. I love them so very much, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt them.
In fact, I’ve hated this post so much that on more then one occasion I’ve talked to Mr. MPB about deleting it. Every time I bring it up, he says something like don’t do it. People read your blog because you are honest with these hard emotions. You don’t typically censor, so don’t start now. People relate to this stuff, and it matters. So, as the post is still there, I clearly have listened to him.
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So, here’s the thing and the reason I am bringing this up again now. Our lives have drastically changed since I wrote that post – we’ve had more losses and we’ve moved to adoption. And, our nephews have obviously grown since I wrote this post was written over a year ago. The oldest one is now well into his 5th year of life. And the young one, the one that I so desperately struggled to be around, is now about 18 months old.
When he was an infant we didn’t visit as much as we should have, out of necessity to protect ourselves. But, with time, we started to show our faces a bit more. We started to force ourselves to spend time with the entire family a bit more.
We started to see him as an individual, with his own cute little quarks and mannerisms. These unique little things about him, turned my view of him upside down. I started to see him for him, not him as a representation of what we didn’t have.
With time, I started to look forward to visits with them. The fear that I’d break down in tears started to lesson. The worry that I wouldn’t treat him fairly has vanished. The hurt over our losses will never go away, but he no longer is a reminder of them.
Instead, today, I see a family who has weathered their own storm of losing one twin and today has so much love and happiness. Today, I look at that little boy and I see a world of happiness and smiles. I see a little man exploring the world for the first time. I see an older brother learning to share with his younger brother. I see love.
Yes, there are moments when I look at the little guy and I silently remember what could have been and what isn’t. But, that’s no longer my focus. The moments are fleeting, and I suspect I may have those moments from time to time for the rest of my life. But, I must say, I am beyond thankful that I’m no longer worried about holding myself together around him and inadvertently favouring his brother over him. Instead, I am thankful that today, I am at a place where I just enjoy time with both boys and always look forward to our next visit and their wonderful hugs.
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Everyone says not to get too far ahead of yourself in the adoption world. Don’t set up the nursery until you have the baby. Don’t start buying things until the revocation period is over. Starting getting only the absolute necessities, but nothing personal until everything is finalized. Really, it seems like with all things parenting, there is a waiting adoptive parent list of “don’t do this, but do that”. And it seems like most things are on the don’t list, particularly everything about preparing your home for baby.
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Looking back, we’ve found a way to push the fear of another loss to the side. One day I opened up the only baby, a replica chair, item I bought during the naive years. We got excited about adoption. We started putting together the nursery. Most recently we’ve moved from buying only things we absolutely need to buying things we want like cute little alphabet blocks.
The combination of being two very practical people and dealing with the cost of adoption, we’ve been realistic about our purchases so far. Nearly every single item has been purchased second hand. We search for deals and buy once we find a deal. So far our new items include a crib and mattress, and IKEA storage cart and a $19 IKEA high chair (and we do intend to purchase our car seat new). I did intend to get a fancy high chair with lots of bells and whistles, but at $19 with a 4.5/5 rating, we decided to take a gamble on the cheap one and hope this isn’t a sign of some sort of parental neglect.
We were told about a local baby consignment store so we bought a few gender neutral onesies, we found a second hand Bob Revolution stroller for a steal of a deal online and we got a used Snap-And-Go stroller for next to nothing. The dresser in the nursery was purchased used and the bookshelf was re-purposed from another room in our home. We bought a fully washable Mamaroo and pack n’ play second hand for great prices. I’ve even started buying books at a garage sale to help reduce the cost of my book buying addiction (it’s a real problem, seriously).
Honestly, we are doing pretty well at conserving our pennies and stretching our dollar to maximize our purchases. And, the real bonus is that by doing this over months we aren’t feeling too broke (so long as we don’t think about the real adoption costs)
Heck, we’ve even received our first ever baby gifts, something I swore I wouldn’t do until we actually had a child in our arms. And you know what, it felt great! It was so wonderful to feel the excitement of others in our lives.
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It hit me today, maybe we’ve gone to far into the list of don’ts. Maybe we are doing too much to prepare ourselves and our house to welcome our child. Maybe we are getting ahead of ourselves.
What if it takes us years to be matched? What if we end up with everything except a baby?
Or worse yet, what if we are matched and it turns into a failed adoption? (Side note – I’m all for a birth mother’s right to parent, but let’s be real, given our history I know a failed adoption will cripple me).
What if we end up going through multiple failed adoptions and eventually decide to walk away because the years of hurt take their toll on us?
Today I cannot help but wonder when something will actually happen. Will we actually ever hold our forever baby in our arms?
I fear that we are so close, and yet so far.
I know we’ve come a long way already, and most days I just hope the rest of the journey to our child(ren) is short, but honestly, what if it’s not?
I’m trying not to live in my fears. I’m trying to acknowledge them and push them aside, but honestly today I feel like I was hit in the head with a dose of the on my god, we’ve let our guard down. If we end up hurt again it’s going to destroy me. I know, it’s not a healthy way to live, but for some reason that’s all I can think about today.
I don’t want to stop embracing our future. I want to be excited. I want to live in today and hope for tomorrow. Honestly, it’s a good way to live, particularly after putting our lives on hold for so long. So, I am not going to listen the don’t list or my fears. Instead, we are going to continue to prepare for our child who will, hopefully one day very soon, join our lives.
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