If there’s one thing that’s been a constant problem through our entire adoption, it’s our USA agency. (Note that I am not talking about our USA legal team – they are nothing short of amazing).
When we first found out about our match, we called the USA agency. (Note, they didn’t call us). We were simply told to call our lawyer as they could not assist us.
A few weeks later we got an email from them. They sent us a giant bill which was thousands of dollars higher than we agreed to months back. We have no ability to argue with them or even just ask respectful questions, we’ve tried in the past when they unexpectedly raised their rates. And rather then offering an explanation we’ve been told we should just be happy we are able to adopt. And at this point in the process they are holding all the cards. They know it, and so do we. We cannot fight them on this, so we swore amongst ourselves and just paid the bill.
And then, our next communication was when they told us the baby estimated arrival date isn’t a great. They proceeded to tell us that we need to hope the baby doesn’t come before a certain date, because it doesn’t work well for their schedule and they wont be able to help if it does. Ummmmm…..really?
Seriously though, how the heck can an adoption agency be this ridiculous?? Given the number of pregnancies that occur in the world on an incredibly regular basis, they should be aware of the fact that babies don’t arrive on a schedule and we have no ability to influence their arrival without medical need. Seriously! And on what planet is it appropriate to tell the adoptive family, who is paying them thousands and thousands of dollars, that they cannot help if baby comes at a certain date?!
Needless to say, I am disappointed and feel rather ripped off and jaded.
But, at the end of the day, so long as baby legally comes home with us, then I really don’t care how miserable they make the process. I just keep reminding myself that in the scheme of life, this is just a blip on the radar…..
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I find myself jumping back and forth between ecstatic and petrified. Between hopeful and scared.
I feel almost bipolar in my emotional shifts. The pendulum just keeps swinging from one extreme to another.
We’ve had nothing but positive interactions and good news. Yet, I still find myself afraid. At times, I am literally forcing myself to believe that this could really happen.
I realize the fears are all based in our history of losses. And it seems, no matter how hard I try, I just cannot put them out of my mind.
The obvious reality is that I want nothing more than to welcome Baby MPB in to our lives. Since we found out about Baby MPB, we’ve been putting the final touches on the nursery specifically for this baby. The cute little wooden blocks I bought as one of my last 365 days of happy days are now sitting in the room spelling out Baby MPB (the real name of course). Clothing has been purchased especially for Baby MPB. The room has been decorated and customized just for this baby. So far as I am concerned, the once dreaded nursery has become this MPB’s room.
So, if we don’t bring Baby MPB home with us, I honestly don’t know how I will cope. I don’t know how I will ever be able to go back into that room. I don’t know how I will ever be able to re-decorate the room for another maybe baby.
That room, just like my heart, belong to this baby.
Yet, all I know right now is that I have to keep hoping that Baby MPB does come home with us. And hoping that I never have to worry about having that room sitting empty again and that I never have to redecorate for another child (unless we happen to win the lottery and decide to adopt again).
Our history of losses has been hard and it’s left a mark on my soul. But, I owe Baby MPB my hope and my love. And so, when the fears come, I just keep reminding myself to hope. I just have to keep hoping.
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My Perfect Breakdown 