As it turns out, I got the visit with my Aunt (and family) that I was hoping for….because I am too sick to be around the other extended family’s infant so they didn’t visit. (Truthfully, this made me pretty happy because it meant I’d get time to actually visit with my Aunt family).
So our wonderful weekend visit included:
- Italian cooking with my Italian Aunt – our freezer is now stocked with homemade meatballs and homemade sauce.
- Wonderful conversations.
- Countless hugs with my sweet cousins.
My Aunt completing my one and only, never to be completed knitting project – a cloth. And then making more of them with the yarn.- A very spoiled Baby MPB.
- Sharing memories of past visits with my mom and sister.
- Many wonderful photos for my one photo a day for the first year of Baby MPB’s life photo album.
I don’t know if I ever mentioned this or not, but my Aunt and Uncle completed their family through adoption. They went through the process many years ago, and my cousins are now teenagers/young adults. When we were considering adoption as an option for our family, I spoke with my Aunt. She was very honest with me about their process and the years since. Their adoption choices and experiences influenced our adoption choices. And so this weekend we had some very cathartic conversations about the adoption process, the adoption costs, our children’s biological family history, etc. Mr. MPB and I do not share specific details with family and friends – we are very reserved and fully aware that the details are Baby MPB’s to share one day if he choose to. So, we always answer questions and/or make statements rather vaguely. But, one thing we’ve learned is that people in the adoption community have much different conversations – people who have been through the process, understand the details in a very different way. There is no “amazing person” complex. There is no defending our choice to adopt. There is no disrespect aimed at birth parents. There is no educating about “just adopt” comments. Rather, within the adoption community we find that the conversations are always respectful and always seem to be about helping one and other learn through our somewhat unique shared experiences.
And so, this past weekend was everything I hoped for (minus still being sick). And, I am already looking forward to our next in-person visit which had better not be another 8+ years from now!
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About 10 days ago I was able to get in to see my counselor. We had a brief chat. As I ran through my giant list of stressors occupying my mind, she listened, added a few thoughts here and there. But, before we could really get into anything my 30 minutes was gone as time ran out. So, she decided that we needed to book a 60 minutes appointment for as soon as possible – I stood there while she worked with her receptionist to move her schedule around to fit me in.
We made a time work. We scheduled the appointment Wednesday of this week.
Or, rather, I should say it was scheduled for Wednesday.
I just got a call from the clinic’s receptionist. My counselor is leaving the clinic for another position and I will no longer be able to see her.
So, after 4 years, 5 miscarriages including one termination for medical reasons, seeking an expert out of country medical advice for recurrent pregnancy loss, seeing us through the international adoption process, being a reference for our adoption and be part of welcoming our son home, she has left. I have no ability to contact her.
I’m selfishly very sad to be losing her – I don’t bear my sole to people in my real life very often. In fact, I’d say I never do. And now I am faced with the choice of walking away from counseling (possibly just for the time being) or finding someone new. I can honestly say, I don’t have the energy to start this process over with someone new right now. Yet, I also realize I’m pretty stressed these days, and I know talking things out always helps me. But I really don’t feel like re-hashing the past right now and I know a new counselor will require that of me. The thought of finding someone new is intimidating right now – it feels like one more stressor to add to my life.
But, if I’m honest right now I’m more upset about how she is leaving – I saw her 10 days ago and she didn’t say a word, instead I just got a call from the clinic’s receptionist. After about 4 years of sharing my intimate life with her and turning to her for advice, she’s just gone. I feel hurt and disappointed that she didn’t tell me herself.
And so, just like that she’s vanished from my life.
Right now I’m tempted to take a break from counseling and see how I feel in a few months time, which is odd as I am typically an advocate for seeking counseling at times of stress. It just seems like too much work to try to find someone new. I just don’t know.
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My Perfect Breakdown 