Something has to give.
I have not been sleeping well for months now. In part because of Baby MPB waking up, in part because of Mr. MPB’s snoring and sometimes even in part due to the Dog needing out in the middle of the night. But, mostly the problem is that once I’m woken up by something, I’m up for hours upon hours. Last night, I slept from 10pm-1am. At 1am, Baby MPB had a mild middle of the night meltdown (have I mentioned how much I despise teething?). Both Mr. MPB and I were up trying to get him calm and back to sleep. Then, both of them went back to sleep, within minutes. Not me. I was wide awake. I tried every trick to fall back asleep, but eventually just went to the couch and turned on Netflix for the rest of the night.
I’ve been a grouchy bear all week, even though Tuesday night I slept in the basement in an attempt to sleep decently.
But it turns out, one night a week of decent sleep just isn’t enough.
I’m tired. I’m just so tired.
And yet today I have to work. And, I’m going to the gym. I was supposed to do a few more things, but I’m cancelling all those appointments for the sake of my sanity.
Oh, and I’ve been fighting some sort of bug all week, and this morning it’s turned into a cough. So I’m pretty sure I’m in for yet another round of a chest cold (here’s to hoping it wont be bronchitis for the 3rd time this year).
But none of the above is new. This simply has been how I’ve bene functioning for the last few months (or more).
The real reason I’ve decided something has to change is that this morning I felt like a downright horrible mother. Baby MPB could care less that I haven’t slept and he decided to start his day at 5:45. And after his own rough night, he was unbelievably grouchy. And, so was I, which is clearly not an ideal combination. Needless to say for the first time in his little life, I found myself yelling at my baby. Thankfully he didn’t understand and actually stopped crying to laugh at me. But, this isn’t okay. This isn’t the mother I want to be. I feel absolutely horrible. Seriously, who yells at a baby?!
Needless to say, this morning was my breaking point. As I listed to myself trying desperately to get Baby MPB to stop screaming, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I realized this isn’t okay. I just cannot continue functioning this way. Clearly one night a week of decent sleep isn’t a long term solution (who’d of thought?).
So, I told Mr. MPB this morning I’m booking an appointment with my doctor to talk about sleeping pills. This is an absolute last resort in my opinion, but I’m there. Mr. MPB has been opposed to them (and I think still is), but I don’t know what else to do. I just need decent sleep!
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I recently found out another good friend is moving away. And, she’s moving even further away then any of our recent friends who moved. As in, she’s leaving the country and literally moving to the other side of continent.
I’m happy for her and her husband. In fact, I’m thrilled for them as this move is the result of some very hard work paying off. It’s a good thing for them.
But, as I told her, I’m sad for me. I’m going to miss her so much!!
It feels like we haven’t even been friends for that long – we met at my last job (you know the one with the not so nice boss). When I left the company we kept in touch, in fact, she’s basically the only person I chose to keep in touch with. We actually go for lunch together every few weeks.
She’s truly a remarkable women, and I’m so glad I’ve been able to get to know her over the last few years. She puts up with my inability to keep a regularly scheduled lunch date for the life of me. She always shows up to lunch looking immaculately put together (like seriously, she’s one of those people who just looks fantastic everyday). Yet, she does doesn’t seem to care that I show up in yoga pants, some sort of hoodie and maybe a hat, because working from home evidently means I don’t always put my best foot forward in the world of fashion. She also puts up with me on the days I’m so chaotic I probably don’t make much sense. She even tolerates me showing up 10 minutes (or more) late sometimes. She listens to my crazy and always offers amazing words of advice and makes me smile. But more then this, she also has supported me through so many of our losses and shared her own horrible experiences with me. She supported me through our adoption path and she’s loves our son and let’s me talk about him all the time. She shares her life with me, and I’ve been so honoured to be part of her life.
Basically, she’s amazing.
And, now she’s moving. I know there is still a real chance we’ll see each other again as she’s moving to the State Baby MPB was born in. And, I know one day we will take Baby MPB to see where he was born (maybe once Trump is out of office….). But, I also know we wont have our regular lunches anymore. She’s not moving right away, so we can continue our poorly scheduled lunch dates for a few more months, but the fact is she’s still moving basically halfway across the world means I have to say goodbye to yet another amazing friend.
And so, while part of me wants to selfishly cry, I’m going to just focus on enjoying our visits.
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My Perfect Breakdown 