Somethings Gotta Give

Something has to give.

I have not been sleeping well for months now.  In part because of Baby MPB waking up, in part because of Mr. MPB’s snoring and sometimes even in part due to the Dog needing out in the middle of the night.  But, mostly the problem is that once I’m woken up by something, I’m up for hours upon hours.  Last night, I slept from 10pm-1am.  At 1am, Baby MPB had a mild middle of the night meltdown (have I mentioned how much I despise teething?).  Both Mr. MPB and I were up trying to get him calm and back to sleep.  Then, both of them went back to sleep, within minutes.  Not me.  I was wide awake.  I tried every trick to fall back asleep, but eventually just went to the couch and turned on Netflix for the rest of the night.

I’ve been a grouchy bear all week, even though Tuesday night I slept in the basement in an attempt to sleep decently.

But it turns out, one night a week of decent sleep just isn’t enough.

I’m tired.  I’m just so tired.

And yet today I have to work.  And, I’m going to the gym.  I was supposed to do a few more things, but I’m cancelling all those appointments for the sake of my sanity.

Oh, and I’ve been fighting some sort of bug all week, and this morning it’s turned into a cough.  So I’m pretty sure I’m in for yet another round of a chest cold (here’s to hoping it wont be bronchitis for the 3rd time this year).

But none of the above is new.  This simply has been how I’ve bene functioning for the last few months (or more).

The real reason I’ve decided something has to change is that this morning I felt like a downright horrible mother.  Baby MPB could care less that I haven’t slept and he decided to start his day at 5:45.  And after his own rough night, he was unbelievably grouchy.  And, so was I, which is clearly not an ideal combination.  Needless to say for the first time in his little life, I found myself yelling at my baby.  Thankfully he didn’t understand and actually stopped crying to laugh at me.  But, this isn’t okay.  This isn’t the mother I want to be.  I feel absolutely horrible.  Seriously, who yells at a baby?!

Needless to say, this morning was my breaking point.  As I listed to myself trying desperately to get Baby MPB to stop screaming, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I realized this isn’t okay.  I just cannot continue functioning this way.  Clearly one night a week of decent sleep isn’t a long term solution (who’d of thought?).

So, I told Mr. MPB this morning I’m booking an appointment with my doctor to talk about sleeping pills.  This is an absolute last resort in my opinion, but I’m there.  Mr. MPB has been opposed to them (and I think still is), but I don’t know what else to do.  I just need decent sleep!

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27 Comments on “Somethings Gotta Give

  1. Oh my! Sleeping pills…. Be careful hon. From what i hear they can become an addiction, like you can sleep only if you have them. I know this sounds stupid, but have you tried aromatherapy in your besroom? Like diffusing lavender oil? Also,, a warm glass of milk with manuka honey helps me. Have you tried that?

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  2. Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time with the sleeping! I don’t have it quite as bad as you, but I’m definitely in the same boat in the sense that once I’m up I have a hard time falling back asleep and my husband does not. Two things that have helped me: (1) going to another room, so that I’m not disturbed by husband/dog as I’m trying to fall back asleep (seriously, if I’m almost asleep and then the dog gets up to move or my husband flips over, I’m wide awake again and angry), and (2) making the decision to just lie quietly in the dark even if I can’t sleep (without looking at the clock), so that at least I get some rest — about 80% of the time I wind up at least dozing for a while, which I think helps. I at least feel more rested when I do that than when I get up to read or watch TV instead. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Sleep deprivation is no joke — there’s a reason it’s used as a torture device!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes!!! I end up so angry when I am starting to fall asleep and I’m woken up by a loud snore!! From either the dog or the husband! Haha! I often leave the room and then Mr. MPB gets annoyed because he doesn’t want me to leave. But then I just get angry lying there not sleeping! So it doesn’t work for me to stay.
      As for clocks, i actually removed clocks from our room a while ago. I used to lie there watching the time pass when i was awake. I have my phone placed faced down so if I really need to know the time I can make a conscious decision to look at the time. That seems to work well enough.

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  3. I see Mamalife already mentioned essential oils. I’ve had insomnia my whole life. Like, I remember being 3 and laying awake for hours at night. I’m not going to say that essential oils have cured me – unfortunately, they haven’t. But there is one combination blend I found at WM. It’s called “calming sleep”. I diffuse it by my bed sometimes at night and I do think if nothing else, it’s very relaxing. Wish I could tell you there is some miracle cure… but there’s not (that I’ve found anyway). My brother in law has tried sleeping pills and they really haven’t helped him, sad to say. He may get more sleep but he also has terrible side effects such as amnesia. The birth of his daughter was nearly his undoing at first. She is also a terrible sleeper. Absolutely the worst. I guess all I can really say is, I feel your pain. So much so that I actually wrote a poem “to sleep” this morning! Lol!!

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  4. I have dealt with insomnia on and off throughout my lifr, and I manage it with a strict schedule. However, when life gets in the way, I use zzzquil. I’m sure you have already tried this, but I thought I would suggest it since I understand the need for sleep.

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  5. Ugh! I’m so sorry! And I feel you on having trouble falling back asleep. I’ve never been like that until Luke. In the beginning it wasn’t an issue because I was just so tired but around 9-10 months if I woke up it would take at least an hour to fall back asleep. It’s torturous!! And do not beat yourself up over being angry and grouchy. It happens and it’s a human response. Hang in there!!

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  6. Yeah I’ve yelled at BG when I was exhausted–not proud of that but it happens when you’re at your wits end.

    You gotta take care of yourself. Talking to your doctor is the right thing to do and I’m sure you can work out a solution that you are comfortable with. You got this ❤ XO

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  7. So sorry you’re struggling with being so overtired. Insomnia on top of being woken up by a baby through the night must be a whole new level of rough…
    As for yelling at baby MPB, I don’t know a good mother who HASN’T been there. But it is a good sign that you need to prioritize yourself for a while. Good luck!

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  8. Sorry sleep is such a hard thing to manage for parents and everyone manages differently. You guys have had a lot of sickness too. Even the ebbs and flows of raising a little, sleep regressions, etc. take its toll. Have you tried essential oils? A few months ago I tried them for Kiera elbow pain (she gets rapid dislocations) and we’ve managed her pain that way. Then I tried them for my cycles and headaches and again found relief. May be something to look into? PM me if you want to know where to look for more info. Regardless, I Hope you find some respite soon 💜

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  9. We have all been there…that moment you yell at your child because of your own frustrations. You’re not alone on this. I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago and immediately burst into tears after realizing I yelled at my 17 month old son who just didn’t know better. It isn’t easy being a parent and having to pretend you have your sh** together all the time. Baby MPB will be ok. He won’t remember his mama yelling at him. ❤ Have you tried out melatonin? I have major sleep issues too but have found that melatonin has really helped me with switching off my brain and forcing my body to relax. It might be worth a shot before reaching for the more serious sleeping pills. But you need to do what works best for you. Not Mr MPB or any of us readers. What is best for you! 🙂 Hang in there. It's a rough patch that one day you will soon forget.

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  10. For everyone’s sake, PLEASE consider sleep training!! We tried it when DC was 6 months old and it was miserable and we quit after a few days. I hired a sleep consultant a month later and it was SO SO SO SO SO simple! Unless she is sick, she pretty much sleeps every night 7PM to 6AM. There were a lot of little things that the sleep trainer taught us. None of it was rocket science but it all added up to a good night’s sleep almost every night for everyone in the house! The #1 rule is consistency so don’t start unless you are committed to following through or it’s confusing to the baby and harder on everyone if you decide to try it again. Some of the things she suggested: complete darkness in the baby’s room (we even taped the blackout shades to the wall to let in zero light), a sound machine in baby’s room, bedtime routine ending with a short song, kiss, and “good night, Baby MPB”, go in to check at regular intervals (5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 15 minutes, etc.) – unless going in makes it worse, keep her in the crib until 6AM. I can look up more of her report for suggestions if you want. I know this is controversial but I really believe that it taught her a very important life skill: to self soothe and become a good sleeper. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

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  11. I think all of us have been there at some point, being upset/frustrated/annoyed/angry with our little because we’re just so darn tired. I got upset with C while changing her diaper one very early morning when I had been up most of the night…she was wiggling all over the place and I just wanted to get her rediapered so I could put her back in bed! She did the same though, just smiled at me because she didn’t understand that I was upset. I felt horrible, but obviously she wasn’t hugely affected and will never remember so she’s none the worse for it. I believe that was the day that I finally went into the guest room for a few hours sleep and left B to deal with C if she woke again. B also snores horribly, and all 3 cats sleep with us (or play downstairs sometimes during the night) so lots of distractions for me as well. On the nights when I’m really exhausted I will take a Benedryl before I go to bed, which sometimes helps. I don’t think I would be able to sleep with ear plugs, I feel like they would bother me. Have you tried a sound machine, for a dull background noise? Honestly I do something that everyone tells you NOT to do…I go to bed with the TV on, because otherwise I just lay there and my mind wanders! I’m not sure what exactly you’ve tried, so I’m not sure what to suggest…I just hope you find something that works very soon! *hugs*

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  12. That sounds exhausting. Do what you need to do to get some sleep. It will be good for the whole family. I think everyone loses their shit at some point. I may have muttered FFS under my breath when the baby woke for a third time one night. I was probably 1 sleep deprived night away from it being out loud instead.

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  13. I have very similar sleep problems–It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep and then the next thing I know, I’m up with the kid and end up wide awake for another eternity after I get her to sleep. Have you ever tried melatonin? It used to work wonders for me. I can’t take it again until I stop nursing, but I am getting right back on that horse the minute I wean this kid. (It used to be melatonin + a glass of wine and ZzzZzzZz… I miss those days…) For now, I take the occasional benadryl at bedtime. It helps a smidge. Sort of. My wife just bought me a Himalayan salt lamp claiming it’s supposed to help with sleep. I confess to knowing less than nothing about them, but whatever. It’s pretty. It’s definitely time to try something different. If sleeping pills are the trick, then get on it. Do you suppose the sleep trouble could be anxiety related? (It totally is for me.) Maybe something for anxiety would help more than a sleeping pill if you suspect it has anything to do with it.

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  14. Ugh. Glad to hear that you have realized the problem and are taking steps to remedy it. We all need sleep to function!

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  15. Ug. I’m sorry it’s gotten so bad. If sleeping pills are what it takes, then you should do it. Your health/sanity is worth more and it will help you be a better mother/wife/worker/person. Hope it gets better soon.

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  16. I totally get this. I was this way with Mackenzie. I lost a lot of sleep and was very angry about it. I’m not someone who functions well with less than 8 hours of sleep. I’ve found a few things that help (and I have the same issues with you with the husband and dog).

    1) Make a set time stop looking at any screens. Mine is 9pm currently. I lay down at 8:30 if both kiddos are in bed and give myself a half hour of phone time.

    2) I found a specific position on my side with my arms crossed at my chest that I swear helps me fall asleep sooner.

    3) I found that there’s one thing if I think about it I fall asleep faster. I generally force myself to think of that and it keeps my mind from wandering.

    4) My husband now gets up with Mackenzie in the middle of the night. Usually it’s only 10 mins and he passes right back out. If I get up, I can’t go back to sleep.

    These have seriously helped me a ton!!!! 9:03 now, time to put the phone down!

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    • Oh and one last thing. We’ve put a gate up in the hallway so the dog no longer sleeps in our room. He drove me nuts with snoring and his up/down from the bed. He now sleeps in the living room.

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  17. Right there with you, though I’m not sleeping because C keeps waking up from coughing then won’t settle. And then I’m telling at her to go to sleep at 5am :/ instead, she pulls my hair and scratches my face until I give in and nurse her.

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  18. I have the same problem- it takes me forever to fall asleep and then once I do, one of the babies wakes me up with their crying. They’re both sleep trained, but still… teeth and sickness happen. Once I’m woken (usually it’s at 1am), I can’t fall back asleep… at all. So I’m on an anti-anxiety med (cipralex) and a sleeping pill (clonazepam), which have worked okay so far. Don’t worry about taking sleeping pills. Being aware of the fact that they’re habit forming is probably half the battle- and I’m guessing that once baby MPB is 2, his and your sleep will improve, so you probably won’t be on them for a long time.

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  19. I’m horrible at falling back asleep at night. My husband can fall back asleep easily so as soon as my daughter stopped needing food at night, I no longer got out of bed. My husband would go get her. Daddy isn’t nearly as much fun as mommy so after 2 nights she stopped waking up. I’ll get up now as its so rare for her to wake up at night, but my husband taking most of the night shift helps me a ton. Just not getting out of bed causes me to be able to go back to sleep easier. I hope you find something soon!

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  20. You poor thing. I hear you in the sleep thing. My baby has been a shoddy sleeper from the moment she arrived and some days it really does get the best of me, especially if she is grumpy too. Sometimes on those days I give up on the world and just sit down and cuddle the baby. I think it is my multitasking that makes it worse!! Anyway my munchkin is screaming now so off I go! Good luck x

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  21. That’s it, I’m sending you some oil samples!!! Hopefully, they won’t take too long to get to you. I probably won’t be able to make it to the post office until Friday but I will do it by then! I’m going to encourage you to try the oils before you try sleeping pills. I hope you are able to sleep soon, Mama!

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