As Mr. MPB have been spending our evenings discussing everything I’ve been writing about, as if in some ways re-hashing all the crazy we endured – the lies, the ever increasing fees, the threat of taking Little MPB away, disrespect for Little MPB’s birth mom, etc. And of course, Mr. MPB pointed out another part that I should share. So, here is part 5.
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We are Canadians. Our medical system is not perfect, but we never have to worry about going to a doctor, or receiving emergency medical care. I’ve never in my life received a bill for any medical appointments or medical procedures in Canada.
So, as Canadians having a child in the USA, we were petrified of the USA medical system. Our USA Agency gave us a USA Medical System 101 crash course. Evidently Medicaid would cover Little MPB’s birth and basic care so long as we were in State 1. Once we left State 1 for State 2, Little MPB’s medical care would become the Agencies responsibility, and therefore our responsibility. (Now I cannot helpt but wonder if this was true?)
So, before we went to the USA we began trying to figure out how to get Little MPB medical insurance, because most babies need to see a pediatrician at some point in time. We tried to buy private insurance for Little MPB. No Canadian insurance provider would cover him because he wasn’t a Canadian citizen and they couldn’t figure out how to deal with the adoption stuff. No USA insurance provider would cover him because we weren’t American and they couldn’t figure out how to deal with the adoption stuff.
So, our USA agency assured us that they purchase medical insurance for all international families and we’d just pay them for the insurance bill. But, at no-time would they provide us with any sort of written confirmation of the insurance policy. So, we had to trust them. And, this was before all the crazy horribleness happened while we were in the USA, so we just assumed they would purchase a policy.
When we got to State 2 we asked about the medical insurance because we wanted to take Little MPB to see a pediatrician. Little MPB appeared healthy, but he had not seen any sort of pediatrician/doctor since he was 3 days old. Our Canadian clinic was helping us as much as possible over the phone (thank god). But we still thought it would be a good idea to check in with a doctor in person.
Well, it turns out the agency did not buy any sort of medical insurance for Little MPB. Once we found this out we sort of panicked. We knew the agency would never cover any medical costs if Little MPB got sick. And, we knew if he got really sick we could literally go bankrupt taking care of him in the USA.
Mr. MPB and I became consumed with worry. We knew Little MPB had been exposed to more germs then most babies – he lived in a hotel the first week of his life, he flew from State 1 to State 2, we were staying in a house with other children, etc. What were we going to do if he got sick?! How could we ever afford it? How could they have lied to us about this? When will the lies ever stop?! We began obsessively sterilizing his bottles, and washing his blankets and clothing, etc. Yet because we were dealing with all the other insane things, in some ways it kept us from obsessing too much about it.
Ironically enough, right before we were signing the final paperwork, the USA agency decided to require Little MPB to go to a pediatrician. If their pediatrician had any worries about Little MPB’s health he wouldn’t be allowed to leave the USA until he was better – something as simple as a cold would have prevented us from going home. Clearly that threat scared the bejeebers out of us! But, I’ll honestly admit we could have cared less how much the bill was going to be, we wanted him to see a doctor! A few hundred dollars later, he was given a clear bill of health and the lack of medical insurance turned out to not be a big deal.
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But, what if something had happened to him in State 2? What if he ended up with jaundice or a chest infection or even just a cold? What if he needed more medical care? How in the world would we have paid for that?! Amongst everything else, we just shouldn’t have had to worry about our agency not getting medical insurance for Little MPB. We should not have been faced with yet another lie.
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Today is my fourth post on the worst experiences of our USA adoption. You can read the first post here and the second one here. And the third post, which is integral to this post, can be read here.
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As I shared yesterday, our USA adoption agency threated to take Little MPB away from us under the premise that being separated from Little MPB would build character for Mr. MPB and I. It would be good for us to experience being separated from our child. (I shared details of that yesterday, so I wont re-hash it again).
But, what I want to share today is what the USA agency instructed us to do after the told us they would be taking Little MPB away from us.
They proceeded to caution us not to tell our son’s birth mom as she may change her mind because she wouldn’t want the child placed in a home for a week or two. Their theory was, and I quote, what she doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
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Now, I have to stop before going any further and state that our USA Agency never actually spoke to our son’s birth mother. Our lawyers and our lawyers social worker, worked with her throughout the process – they facilitate all aspects of the match and were the ones who supported all of us through the placement paperwork and revocation period. From our perspective our lawyers and our lawyers social worker were phenomenal.
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Now, I’ll admit, we didn’t tell our son’s birth mother about this threat of taking Little MPB away. Not because our agency told us to lie to her, but because we didn’t actually think it would happen, because who takes a baby away from its parents? We really didn’t believe they’d actually do it. Once the relinquishment/revocation period was over, we still didn’t tell her, because we still didn’t think it would happen! We were fully honest with her when things were certain. When we were in her city, we visited with her daily. When were in her state we sent daily updated, she knew where we were staying, etc. She knew we were required to go to State 2 before we could go home. Again, we shared daily updates with her as things were actually happening. But, we did make the decision not to tell her until we actually knew what was going on – in the end, it worked out because we stayed with the family.
I like to believe we would have told Little MPB’s birth mom if they did take Little MPB away from us. I think we would have because it was the right thing to do. But, honestly, I couldn’t imagine how betrayed she would have felt by the process. I can honestly say I am so deeply thankful that family accepted us into their home so that we never had to tell her about the threat the agency made and what they put us through.
Truth be told, we also didn’t tell anyone other then our lawyers, our Canadian agency and 2 friends who were there to listen and support us on a daily basis (the friend I mentioned yesterday and another truly amazing women who offered us emotional support day in and day out while were in the use – truth be told, she still does). We didn’t tell anyone else, not our parents, not our amazing dog sitter, not our closest friends, not the friends we’ve made in our local adoption community and none of my amazing blogging friends. We told basically no-one. Even those that we wanted to talk about this people, to have some support, we couldnt find the words. How could we tell people, who mostly don’t understand adoption, that the agency was threatening to take our son away from us for an undetermined amount of time, with only the possibility of daily visits? How do you even find words to explain that? Even sharing all of this, I still struggle to put words to the experience. How could we possibly explain something to other people that we truly still dont understand and struggle to explain?
I can only speak from my perspective, but I can say without a doubt, that what the agency put us through during the 3 weeks we were in the USA, was unfathomable. I could never have predicted or anticipated the crazy and unethical things they said and did. But today’s post isn’t about me.
Today is about a adoption agency, claiming to enable and facilitate open adoptions, privately counselling us to lie or at bare minimum hide truths to our son’s birth mother.
It’s my humble opinion that no adoption agency in an open adoption should EVER instruct an adoptive family to lie to a birth mom. I don’t know how else to say it,
the basic foundation of an open adoption is openness.
No-where did we sign up for an open relationship only when it’s convenient for us, nor would we have as that would not have been in anyone’s, especially Little MPB’s, best interests. In my opinion, openness applies during the selection process, during the relinquishment/revocation period and during the child’s life. It doesn’t mean we had to send daily updates but we wanted to. But for us it does mean that when we are in touch we are transparent and honest.
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