The Worst Experience of our USA Adoption: Part 4
Today is my fourth post on the worst experiences of our USA adoption. You can read the first post here and the second one here. And the third post, which is integral to this post, can be read here.
As I shared yesterday, our USA adoption agency threated to take Little MPB away from us under the premise that being separated from Little MPB would build character for Mr. MPB and I. It would be good for us to experience being separated from our child. (I shared details of that yesterday, so I wont re-hash it again).
But, what I want to share today is what the USA agency instructed us to do after the told us they would be taking Little MPB away from us.
They proceeded to caution us not to tell our son’s birth mom as she may change her mind because she wouldn’t want the child placed in a home for a week or two. Their theory was, and I quote, what she doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
Now, I have to stop before going any further and state that our USA Agency never actually spoke to our son’s birth mother. Our lawyers and our lawyers social worker, worked with her throughout the process – they facilitate all aspects of the match and were the ones who supported all of us through the placement paperwork and revocation period. From our perspective our lawyers and our lawyers social worker were phenomenal.
Now, I’ll admit, we didn’t tell our son’s birth mother about this threat of taking Little MPB away. Not because our agency told us to lie to her, but because we didn’t actually think it would happen, because who takes a baby away from its parents? We really didn’t believe they’d actually do it. Once the relinquishment/revocation period was over, we still didn’t tell her, because we still didn’t think it would happen! We were fully honest with her when things were certain. When we were in her city, we visited with her daily. When were in her state we sent daily updated, she knew where we were staying, etc. She knew we were required to go to State 2 before we could go home. Again, we shared daily updates with her as things were actually happening. But, we did make the decision not to tell her until we actually knew what was going on – in the end, it worked out because we stayed with the family.
I like to believe we would have told Little MPB’s birth mom if they did take Little MPB away from us. I think we would have because it was the right thing to do. But, honestly, I couldn’t imagine how betrayed she would have felt by the process. I can honestly say I am so deeply thankful that family accepted us into their home so that we never had to tell her about the threat the agency made and what they put us through.
Truth be told, we also didn’t tell anyone other then our lawyers, our Canadian agency and 2 friends who were there to listen and support us on a daily basis (the friend I mentioned yesterday and another truly amazing women who offered us emotional support day in and day out while were in the use – truth be told, she still does). We didn’t tell anyone else, not our parents, not our amazing dog sitter, not our closest friends, not the friends we’ve made in our local adoption community and none of my amazing blogging friends. We told basically no-one. Even those that we wanted to talk about this people, to have some support, we couldnt find the words. How could we tell people, who mostly don’t understand adoption, that the agency was threatening to take our son away from us for an undetermined amount of time, with only the possibility of daily visits? How do you even find words to explain that? Even sharing all of this, I still struggle to put words to the experience. How could we possibly explain something to other people that we truly still dont understand and struggle to explain?
I can only speak from my perspective, but I can say without a doubt, that what the agency put us through during the 3 weeks we were in the USA, was unfathomable. I could never have predicted or anticipated the crazy and unethical things they said and did. But today’s post isn’t about me.
Today is about a adoption agency, claiming to enable and facilitate open adoptions, privately counselling us to lie or at bare minimum hide truths to our son’s birth mother.
It’s my humble opinion that no adoption agency in an open adoption should EVER instruct an adoptive family to lie to a birth mom. I don’t know how else to say it,
the basic foundation of an open adoption is openness.
No-where did we sign up for an open relationship only when it’s convenient for us, nor would we have as that would not have been in anyone’s, especially Little MPB’s, best interests. In my opinion, openness applies during the selection process, during the relinquishment/revocation period and during the child’s life. It doesn’t mean we had to send daily updates but we wanted to. But for us it does mean that when we are in touch we are transparent and honest.
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My heart absolutely breaks for your family and what you had to go through. There is no reason anyone should have to suffer through something like this.
I do hope you continue to speak about your story, not just here but in a ways that calls out this agency and hopefully closes them down. Sadly you are probably not the only family this has happened to and you won’t be the last until someone can help shut them down.
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Thanks for your encouragement. We have told all the relevant people/agencies/governments in Canada. They know exactly what we went through, what they choose to do with the information is beyond our control. And now, it’s time to start looking into who we talk to in the USA – thankfully I have some people inside the USA adoption community who are able to help guide me in this.
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I am haunted by your experience. I couldn’t stop thinking about it last night. I am SURE your story is one of many that this agency put through hell and back, and that sickens me. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. They took advantage of you financially and emotionally and I wish there was justice for the way they treated you!
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Thank you my friend. The things that matter to me now is that Little MPBs birth mother was never in contact with this agency and we know she was never forced into this adoption – I couldn’t imagine being part of an adoption when someone was forced/coerced into placing the child. And, we have little MPB and he is safe and will never remember any of what we went through – in his first days and weeks of life, we kept him safe in the midst of pure chaos and cruelty. As bad as it was, Little MPB’s best interests were all that ever mattered to us….
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Your experience was truly horrendous. Placement time is stressful enough. I can’t imagine dealing with all of the extras you were saddled with. Thank goodness your little one made it home with his family. I hope the trauma of this experience lessens as the years pass.
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Your comment about the trauma of it all lessening over time, is exactly what Mr. MPB and I were talking about last night. Just writing these posts has brought all of this to the forefront of our minds – it turns out we had both done a very good job of compartmentalizing it and just not thinking about it anymore. Now, it’s seems to be all we’ve talked about this week.
But, we just keep reminding ourselves that at the end of the day Little MPB was safe, and he will have no memory of it all. So, at least we were successful in protecting him from the crazy/chaos/cruelty. And that’s truly all that matters.
I just get more and more horrified and angry with each of these posts.
When you are adopting, you are about as vulnerable as it gets – your entire life, your finances and your happiness is in your agencies hands and they way they treated you – when they knew there was nothing you could dare to do against them – is absolutely deplorable.
I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way, least of all by a company that you HIRED TO HELP YOU. I am so relieved it is done and over with – but I am sorry for the scars it has and will leave on your memories and experiences of what should have been the happiest time of your life.
I agree, at our most vulnerable we were taken advantage of and threatened. It should be criminal and at the very least should not be tolerated by all the agencies and governments who supposedly oversee adoption agencies. No-one should ever be treated the way we were treated.
The terrifying part to me was the fact that they got this way after you were already well invested in their agency. It, sadly, doesn’t surprise me that they didn’t want to be open with the birth mother because they were not open with the process with you. How simply awful.
Just awful. However, you and Mr MPB handled it extremely well and protected Little MPB from it all. You remained committed to openess with his birth mum. You guys went through hell but came back again.
Hope the agency is eventually shutdown. Adoption agencies should have more oversight.
I just cannot believe that an agency whose role is to place children needing a family with a family desperate for them would be so calculating and cruel. It really does need to be exposed but totally understand your reluctance for a media circus as that’s what it would become. It is beyond comprehension and I am so sorry you had to endure all this at a time when you were becoming a new mum and dad and family. Horrific 😦
Your 4 posts about this is why I hate adoption in the USA. It is all about the business and the money. It’s sickening.
I’m glad it all worked out, and that family that took you all in?? AMAZING PEOPLE! How lucky that you got assigned to them!
Yes, that family was truly the miracle we needed and truly were/are amazing people!! I will forever be thankful that they welcomed all of us into their home so that we could stay together as a family. 🙂
And yes, the business side of adoption in the USA is truly sickening….
I feel so sick thinking about this. I’m so sorry this wasn’t the wonderful experience it should have been. This whole week they wanted to separate thing is just so bizarre. Thank you for sharing this.
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I’m catching up on all these posts and I’m actually feeling a little nauseous. I’m so sorry that you went through this and I’m horrified by how many APs and birth moms who have used this agency have endured such torture. I just can’t even imagine…ugh.
I seriously want to go to this damn agency and give them a piece of my mind. Each post makes me more and more livid!