The Worst Experience Of Our USA Adoption: Part 3

Today is my third post on the worst experiences of our USA adoption.  As I was writing I realized I needed to split this into two parts.  So, now there will be 4 parts, not 3 and tomorrow’s post is directly linked to days post.  You can read the first post here and the second one here.

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While we were in the USA, we had to change states before we could go back to home to Canada.  The USA agency told us we had to move states because we had to be in the state our lawyers and USA agency were in for the court process.  Our lawyers made it clear that this was actually not a requirement.

Our USA agency told us that once we were in the second state they had to take Little MPB away from us and put him in a home, because evidently we weren’t legally allowed to care for him.  Note, that in the first State we were the sole caregivers responsible for our son for the first week of his life and would be for the rest of our lives and had home studies approved by both Canada and the USA.   The USA agency claimed it was a Canadian requirement.  I called our Canada agency – it was not a Canadian requirement.  In fact, our Canadian agency was outraged that they were threatening to take Little MPB away from us. I also called our lawyer.  As moving states was not a legal requirement our lawyer tried to get the agency to let us stay in the first state to avoid this threat entirely.  The agency didn’t go for it.  So then our lawyer tried to talk reason with them, the agency wouldn’t hear it.  Our lawyer’s social worker actually offered to have our whole family stay in her house, again the agency wouldn’t agree.  Our USA agency would not listen to anyone they were bound and determined to make us go to the second state and to take Little MPB away from us.

In the end, both our Canadian agency and our lawyer said it wasn’t right and their was no legal requirement for them to move us and then to take Little MPB away from us.  But ultimately they both recommended we do what they say so that we can get home sooner. Our Canadian agency was livid, as they knew removing our one week old child from us could be hugely detrimental to our family attachment and bonding.  Our lawyer’s last piece of advice to me when we had to change states was to beg the family to let me stay in their house with Little MPB, even if it meant I was sleeping on the floor.

I have never cried so much in my life.  I begged the agency not to take him away from us. In the end, things went from bad to worse – the USA agency told us that being separated from Little MPB would build character for Mr. MPB and I.  It would be good for us to experience being separated from our child.

The day we had to fly, I was given the number of the house Little MPB would be staying at.  I called them, fighting tears through the entire conversation.  I begged them to let me sleep on the floor of their house, I just couldn’t imagine being separated from our 1 week old son.  We told them Mr. MPB and I could take turns staying and visiting with one of us sleeping on the floor each night.  We told them we’d pay them whatever they wanted.  They said they weren’t sure and they’d talk about it.  We hung up, and I cried some more.

So, when we landed in the second state, late at night, the agency escorted us to the house where Little MPB would be staying.  The agency told us to drop him off and leave for the night and that we could come visit the next day for a few hours.

The agency representative left.  I hugged Little MPB tight, I wouldn’t let go of him.  I couldn’t let go of him.

We were shown to Little MPB’s room so we could put him down to sleep.  I still refused to let go of my little boy, I just couldn’t do it.  The lady turned to me and said, I talked to my husband, and you can both stay here as long as Little MPB is here.  It’ll be tight, but we’ll make it work.

I cried tears of happiness.  Exhausted tears of happiness, but still pure happiness.  I felt like I could breath again.

The next day when the USA agency found out we were staying with the family, they were livid.  But for whatever reason, they didn’t fight it. But they were so angry that they actually refused to speak to Mr. MPB or I for the remainder of our time in the USA.

To this day, the generosity, love and compassion that family showed my family brings tears to my eyes.  We stayed in their house for over a week, we tried not to impose, but it was pretty much impossible given that we were 2 adults with a 1 week old baby staying in one bedroom.  Not only did we stay with them, but we also used their phones daily as we worked with our lawyers to get home as soon as possible.  We used their shower.  We used their printer.  We ate their food and even drank their wine.  They let us use do laundry whenever we needed to.  They packed up their family and drove us around whenever we needed a ride anywhere – pediatrician appointment, passport appointment, grocery store, etc.  They offered to let us use their car.  No matter how much we offered they refused to let us pay them for food or accommodations.  They cooked for us, real home-cooked amazing meals that we were desperately craving after weeks in a hotel without a kitchen. They let us take care of their children (even though we weren’t allowed to take care of our own). They hugged me as I cried over the ongoing delays in the process to go home.  They welcomed a very dear friend into their home to meet Little MPB (as an aside, she was one of the only people who knew about the crazy we were enduring, her listening ear was such a help and her kindness and love literally at my most trying time makes her someone that will always have a special place in my heart). In fact, once we were officially allowed to be alone with Little MPB, the family invited us to stay at their home an extra night until our flight home the next day.  They even drove us to the airport when we finally got to go home.

Ultimately, this family welcomed all three of us into their home.  They helped make one of the hardest times of my life bearable and even enjoyable.  These people were nothing short of a miracle at our most desperate time.  These people, will be life long friends who we are forever indebted to.

But our USA agency, they should never have put us in that position.  Now, I believe it was actually just a way for them to make more money, as we had to pay to fly someone from the agency to state 1, to then fly with us to state 2.  We also had to pay them hourly for said flights.  Then we also paid them to drive us to the house.  We also paid the family to care for Little MPB (we later found out that they agency took most of the money and the family would barely have made enough money to pay for formula and diapers – they were simply doing this out of their kindness of their hearts).  We actually paid for 2 weeks, but only used 1, and we never got a refund and the family never got paid for the second week.  But, honestly, the fact that this was all about money is just a guess.  We have never been able to ask them, nor will we subject ourselves to further conversations with them.  Maybe money had nothing to do with it, and maybe they really just wanted to torture us, or as they said, maybe they just wanted to build character?

But regardless of why they made us go through this, I have a real problem with the fact that they continually lied to us, which is never okay.  We paid them to work for our families best interest.  They were supposed to put Little MPB first, above all.  Taking him away from his parents, for no legal reason, just is not acceptable to me.

For me as a mother, worst of all, they told us it would be good for us to be separated for Little MPB.  Under no-circumstance, adoption or not, should a 1 week old child be removed from their loving and caring parents for a week or two, just to build character.

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73 Comments on “The Worst Experience Of Our USA Adoption: Part 3

  1. Oh my god. This is absolutely shocking! I know you must just need to close the door on that whole experience but it really feels like a huge injustice shouldn’t just be let go! Who governs these agencies? Is there no avenue for complaint and investigation? How terrifying that this should happen to you or anyone else!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, in many ways we have had to close the door on that experience – just writing these post this weeks has been really hard emotionally for me. It’s not something we like to even think about – definitely a giant black mark on our first few weeks as new parents!
      We have let the Canadian governing authorities know about our experiences. And now we are starting to look into how to formally complain on the USA side of things.

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      • Honestly, I don’t know if it’ll do anything. I don’t mean to pessimistic, but I kind of cannot help but wonder if this is normal / common practice for international adoption in the USA? Normal /common obviously don’t make it right, but I guess maybe I’m afraid that nothing I say will change anything.

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      • It almost makes you want to go to the media somehow… Make a difference through popular opinion if not through formal channels. I’m just so shocked at the terrible abuse of power with such traumatic ramifications for adoptive parents bit more seriously, for infants.

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      • We have actually talked a lot about going to the media. Mr. MPB is a lot more reserved then I am, so we aren’t going there (and I fully respect this). And, we also don’t want to turn Little MPB into a poster child for adoption, and I fear that kind of publicity could do that to him….

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  2. I am completely sickened by this. I know you don’t deserve to have to relive this at all, but would you consider reporting them? Their abuse is disgusting. I am so so so sorry that you and your family were subjected to this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We’ve reported them on the Canadian side. And now that Little MPB is a Canadian we feel much more comfortable in reporting them in the USA so we are starting to look at what we can do on the USA side.

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    • Thank you my friend. It was truly a horrible experience. They way they treated us will forever be etched into our memories of our first weeks with our son. It’s unfortunate, and I sure wouldn’t wish it upon anyone!

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  3. Oh. My. God.

    There aren’t words. This screams of illegality – how can they do something like that, claiming they are doing it for the best interest of the child and parents??

    AND if they can’t facilitate an adoption out of the state they are in – they should not say they can.

    AND – again – this should have all been disclosed WAY before you ever paid them a single cent.

    AND the fact that they say the baby needs to stay with a foster home…when he had perfectly good PARENTS there with him is absolutely ludicrous and sounds like a way to scam more money from you.

    It sounds like all they wanted was money, and they were creating work for you that they could charge for, and presenting them at times they knew you wouldn’t refuse because the penalty for refusing could be losing that sweet boy you already had in your arms. It is completely criminal! They should be shut down!

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  4. This is unbelievable! But I’m so glad you were placed with a family that was understanding and helpful – although based on your experience with this agency I’m surprised this family was even involved with them.

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    • We are forever grateful to that family. And, we actually asked them why they volunteer to do this considering how horrible the agency is, and at the end of the day they just want to help families like ours. And, thank god there are people out there who do want to help!

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  5. OMG! That was horrible! The only thing I can think of, regarding why they said you must be separated for two weeks, is that maybe they do that to make sure that you won’t somehow change your mind during that time…. like to give you two weeks to make certain you aren’t backing out? Or else to have some pre-approved person view how you interact with baby MBP when you are visiting him during that separation?

    It honestly sounds to me like an employee of this agency was on a power trip of some sort, and just really wanted to single you out, maybe because you were from outside the US they felt they could play some horrible game with you. I would definitely file a grievance now that you officially no longer have to deal with them!

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    • We’ve thought about that too. Honestly, while we stayed with them, when they offered us wine, one of us also said no and didn’t have a drink, just in case. But, the reality is, by the time we were at their house the Courts already had all the legal documents signed by Little MPB’s birth mom, ourselves, lawyers, social workers, etc. assigning Mr. MPB and I as his legal parents. The agency, while involved, had no legal ability to change those agreements.
      Sadly, the employee we dealt with was the owner.

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  6. FUMING! I am shaking with anger.

    I am so glad this family was a blessing to you. Though this never should have happened and they shouldn’t have had to be in that position in the first place.

    I can’t even believe all of this. The things people do for MONEY! (It has to be all for money, there is NO other reason).

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    • I agree, it had to have been money because nothing else makes sense to me. I truly cannot believe anyone would be this kind of cruel just to because they can be? But then I look at the state of the world and I cannot help but wonder if I’m giving people too much credit? (side rant, sorry).
      I too am beyond glad that family accepted all of us into their home. Truly, there are no words to express my gratitude.

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  7. What. The. Fuck. That agency is DISGUSTING and should be shut down! I cannot believe the way they treated you three. i am appalled and horrified on your behalf. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Thank god for the kindness of that family. I am so glad you had them throughout that nightmare.

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    • What. The. Fuck. is a pretty good response to all of this. They should be shut down. They shouldn’t be operating unless they can truly operate in the best interest of the children, who they are paid to be represent.
      And yes, thank god for that family! We will forever be grateful to them.

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  8. I think I need to buy a Gun to shoot that agency. I am an eternal lifelong pacifist, and cannot even raise my voice in any fight , am ready to shoot those bloody creeps. I can actually feel my blood boil. If someone asked me to give up my 1 week child for ” character building”, I will probably show them my true character.

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      • honestly, I would speak to the canadian agency and get them
        blacklisted. wven if 1 family is saved from this horrogr, its a mighty deed. f

        Liked by 1 person

      • We have. They knew everything that was happening while we in the USA. They intervened more so when we were back in canada. They cannot prevent anyone from working with the USA agency, it is there choice. But last I checked they no longer recommend them as an agency to work with.
        We also told our provincial authorities when we got back to Canada. I do not know what has happened there. I should probably follow up.

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  9. My jaw is on the floor. Totally dangerous, manipulative, incredibly unethical, and horrible of that agency. No parent should have to go through something like this ever.

    I’m glad that the family was kind and helpful during the nightmare. The agency’s response to that kindness was absolutely appalling. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this.

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  10. Wow… I am reading this in open mouthed horror. That is absolutely horrific. I can’t even begin to guess at what they were playing at?? I’m so sorry you had that experience x

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    • We have no idea what they were up to. It still just doesn’t make rational sense to us. And I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that we will never understand what their goals were in the situation.

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  11. Jaw-dropping. This is the stuff nightmares are made of. If you were to decide to take them down, you would have a mountain of support behind you. Sending all the hugs. I can’t imagine living through that.

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    • It truly was the stuff that nightmares are made of. Now that Little MPB is a Canadian we are considering our options for how to appropriately address what happened to us in the USA. Though we already know that taking on an adoption agency isn’t an easy task….

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  12. Oh my goodness this made me sob. I was horrified as it was happening but hearing it through these words gave me a new horror. So sorry you faced this. Love you.

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    • Thank you my friend for being there for me throughout this. It’s still hard for me to think back on those events without tears, but because of you (and that family) I do have happy memories of our time in State 2. Thank you, forever, from the bottom of my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Holy crap. My mouth was hanging open in shock as I read this one. How can they even get away with this??? It’s insanity. My heart hurt for you and Mr MPB as I thought of you having to hand over your precious newborn to total strangers for so long. Do you guys plan to try to do anything about this now that Little MPB is safely in Canada?

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    • We have let all the Canadian people know about what happened to us. Our Canadian agency knew as it was unfolding, but they were powerless to help. The Canadian government knew as soon as we were back in the County. We have not done anything on the USA side yet, in large part because we’ve been waiting until Little MPB was a Canadian citizen. Now I will begin to look into options to submit formal complains in the USA.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. It’s taking me a while to write this comment because I am practically speechless. This is just beyond words. You should write a book. Seriously. And that family you stayed with… I really want to hug them.

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  15. What everyone else said, but I just don’t get in a million years why they would do this? Why?? If it’s the money, why not just raise the actual fees? Why risk being exposed as cold-hearted monsters? They are a business after all. I just don’t get it.
    And also, typically it’s very difficult for most people to act cold towards others, and almost no-one should be capable of sadism that you described. How, just how can this happen?
    I’m incredibly sorry that this happened to you. Thank god for that family!

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    • Maybe it’s because they know no-one ever exposes them and nothing really ever happens to them for it? It’s taken me this long to even share this part of our journey on an anonymous blog….it’s so hard to re-live all of this. It was hands down the cruelest thing I’ve ever experienced, how someone or a group of people can do this is beyond me. So, I can understand why others simply close the door on the experience and lock it away in their memories.

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  16. That makes me angry. So angry. That agency needs to be shut down. NEVER should a child of any age be removed from their parents unless the child is in danger. That is just the absolute limit.

    They should absolutely be shut down.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I have to ask..why aren’t you sharing the name of the agency? I live in the US and this is terrifying to me! I’m so sorry this was such a horrendous experience..when it should have been the happiest occasion of your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The main reason is that if I name the agency, and anyone ever found my blog I woild not longer be anonymous on here. And I’m not ready to give up my blogging anonimity yet (for many reasons).
      That said, I have and I will continue to give out the name of the agency privately to those who are adopting and email me asking for more information.
      Also, under my real name I have submitted official complaints to Canadian authorities and I’m now investigating who to formally speak with in the USA about our experience.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can completely understand your desire for anonymity. I hope that you find justice for your family and can help prevent others from going through the same trauma.

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    • It’s simple, they weren’t child welfare people. Here in canada adoption agencies are run by qualified social workers. We assumed it was the same in the USA, but our lawyer has the social worker on staff. The stadd at the agency, to our knowledge, had no formal training in any of this. They were simply a business that treated us all as pawns to make money off. Sadly, we learned this way too late in our adoption process.

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  18. None of this makes any sense at all. It’s like some horrific Lifetime movie come to life. There doesn’t seem to be any reason behind anything that they did to you guys!! They absolutely didn’t have ANYBODY’S best interests in mind. I’m so beyond sorry that you had to go through all of this…and I just can’t even imagine what in the world you’re going to tell us about tomorrow…

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Just sickening. I know this must have been so traumatic, but I hope you start a lawsuit. They are probably still pulling this crap on other families to make a pretty penny. That family sounds amazing and it lifts my heart to know they were so kind to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We are unlikely to ever sue because of the cost of such a lawsuit is way more then we could ever bare. But, we will advocate for change with government agencies and those who over see adoption agencies.
      And yes, that family will forever hold a special place in our hearts. They truly are amazing.

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      • Being open and public is the first step in creating change! And your CA agency knows what you went through with the US one, so that’s good.

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  20. Sending love. I cried as I read this. I want to echo all the rage above – and if there is any way I can help please let me know!

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  21. I’ve been thinking about this all day. Maybe someone already said this – if so, I apologize; too late to read all the comments. I just wanted to say my piece before I logged off. MPB, based on what you’ve said, this sounds like a scam. The big question would be whether the senior people are in on it, or whether it’s something certain employees have cooked up. They clearly know that they’re dealing with people who are in an emotionally vulnerable state, separated from their usual support network, who can afford to pay a LOT of money for an adoption.

    I’m sure you want nothing more to do with these people … but please take steps to protect others who are in the same position. I strongly urge you to write to the senior executive, with a couple of other senior people – maybe someone on the board of directors, plus whoever looks most like the head of customer service. Please in your letter, cover the following:
    1. Spell out your experience – first, what you expected to pay based on what they told you upfront, then each additional payment – unexpected and often unexplained. Also describe the horrible treatment you experienced, in particular the attempt to separate you from your child. (How can this even be legal? Hadn’t you finalized the adoption in court by then? I suspect they were setting you up for a final take, and realized they couldn’t use whatever threat they had in mind because you were still with Little MPB.) Provide numbers, names and dates.
    2. Ask for a detailed explanation of each issue that makes no sense to you. What was each additional charge for? Why was it not outlined upfront? Why did you have to spend an expensive extra week in a different state, during which time you were supposed to be separated from your son? Why were the foster parents not fully reimbursed for his care?
    3. State that you made these payments under duress, threatened with the loss of your child even after he had legally been adopted. Request a full refund.
    4. State that if you do not receive a detailed and reasonable explanation, and a refund for every payment for which there is no reasonable explanation, you will be taking your story to the national media. And please MEAN IT.

    If they respond in an acceptable manner, get what you can out of them and then report them to the relevant federal department, which can then be responsible for providing oversight. If they blow you off – and I’m afraid they probably will do so – then PLEASE follow through and contact 60 Minutes, the New York Times – whichever seems most likely to grab the story and run with it. If this is indeed a scam, it is HUGE; as a former journalist I can assure you someone will want the story. It may lead to investigation into other agencies – for all you know this is a problem elsewhere. Wouldn’t it be great to make them stop?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your approach is wonderful, with one massive exception. We were dealing with the owner of the company, so there is really no point on contacting the owner/senior people. The owner was actually the one who flew to State 1 and back to State 2. The owner is also the one who dropped us off at the house. The owner is the one who stopped talking to us. The owner is the one who demanded more money. We did have dealing with a more junior staff member, and the junior staff member was no better, in fact, they towed the owner’s line perfectly. Not that I care too much about the junior staff member, and nothing makes their actions any better, but how could the junior staffer be any different then the owner, when they were being trained by the owner? (I called this person junior, but I actually have no idea how junior or senior they were, I just know they worked for the owner).

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      • Ok, so you do know the scam involves the person at the top. (Seems you agree it could well be a scam?) I assumed that, since it was one of only five organizations accredited to handle international adoptions (I think that’s what you said), it was a larger organization.

        Well, in that case in my opinion you have two options: You can write to him, express your sense of disappointment, and demand explanations and/or refund, or you can go straight to 60 Minutes, the NY Times, or some other MAJOR US news organization with a strong reputation for investigative journalism. The advantage to trying to resolve it with him first is that you then have written proof that you’ve tried to deal with the problem, and you may have a written response from him. If his response is obnoxious, that’s one more rock to sink help sink his little boat.

        When he refuses to cooperate – as he probably will – that’s when you call the media. Up to you whether you tell him that’s what you’re planning to do … It might be better simply to state that you expect to receive a response by whatever date, failing which you “will be forced to take the matter further.”

        Of course you could sue him … but that would be expensive and stressful; probably not worth it. And it’s unlikely you’ll get any of your money back. I just hope you clip his wings, BIGLY, so he doesn’t get to do this again.

        Oh – one other thing: If there is a way for you to connect with other clients of this agency, they may be interested in sharing their experience with the reporter you speak to. And they might also be the key to getting some money back – if there are enough of them to pull together a class action suit, with the lawyer taking a percentage rather than a fee.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. Faaaaaarking hell. OMG. @$@)@(@)&)(@@(& I cannot say enough expletives to even cover my reaction to this. You poor poor things. That agency is nothing but a bunch of thugs. Awful. Disgusting. So thankful that family were so wonderful and kind.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m at a loss for words. I’m so glad that family did the right thing, but they and you should have never been put in that situation. I’m just flabbergasted as to why this company is still in business.

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  24. Im soooooo angry!!! Obviously they didnt and dont care for those kids! They would even give them to pedophiles that could give them a lot of money! They are the criminals! If you have strength and patience, dont let them get away with this! May rhey burn in hell for doing this to kids!

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    • I have sadly always said that they would have cut off Little MPB’s left arm and sold it to the highest bidder if they could have….
      Nothing about what they did to us was okay. Nothing.

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  25. I’m beyond words…I’m so sorry you went through this insanity, what a wonderful family to have helped you through. To say it is good to be separated from MPB is just the biggest stab in the gut I mean what parent wants to be separated from their child at such an early stage of life? They should not be in the business of adoption with this attitude, full stop.

    Like

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