What’s Next?

If memory serves me correctly I started my blog within days of finding out we were going to lose another pregnancy, the one and only pregnancy that was ever healthy from the start – the one that was supposed to result in a living baby.  It would be our forth loss.  I quit my job to leave a very bad employer and to focus on my mental health and overall well being.  We began to learn to live on 1 income.  We began second guessing all of our local Reproductive Endocrinologist’s recommendations.  I began researching all things Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.  We began seriously investigating adoption.

But My Perfect Breakdown, started out of a pure desperate need to connect with others and share my (our) story to help others.  After our local RE suggested that I will never meet another person who has gone through 4 consecutive losses, I needed to find someone who could relate and I needed to let others know they weren’t alone.  I also needed to find a healthy release for all of my emotions, and it donned on me that throughout my entire life people have always suggest I write.  Throughout my life, more times then I can count people gifted me journals. But, never, not once, had I ever written a journal or even written anything personal. Something in my clicked that day, and I started a blog.  Mr. MPB came home and I told him all about it – he was intrigued as I had never mentioned this idea to him.  He was unbelievably encouraging so long as I kept it anonymous and he helped come up with the name My Perfect Breakdown.  He began reading every post.  My written words became part of our daily conversation.  And soon enough, our conversations turned to what others were saying and suggesting.  Heck, he’s even been at my side when I’ve met other bloggers in real life, encouraging these friendships.  The point being, this blog has morphed into something I never imagined – it’s my most intimate thoughts shared with the world, it’s a near daily conversation topic in our house and it’s resulted in people I call friends throughout the world.

.

And yet, I have to admit that lately I’m struggling with my blog.

I love it.  I love writing.  I love the emotional release – in fact, I think I need it.

But, more and more, I feel as though my blog is turning into a mommy blog.  I never thought I’d be a mommy blog.  Heck, when I started my blog, I never thought I’d ever be a mom, let alone be a mommy blogger.

I know my audience includes a lot of people who struggled with infertility and loss.  I also know some, but not all, have gone on to have a child or two.  I never want to hurt those who may be struggling and when I write about our daily lives now, which clearly has to do with parenting, I cannot help but feel guilt and worry for those who may read and may be hurt.  I know that my blog continues to offer support for those going through miscarriages, as I still receive emails and notes on old posts about our experiences with misoprostol, D&C, natural miscarriages and termination for medical reasons. Based on my daily stats, I know people still come to my blog daily for basic miscarriage information.  And, so, if I’m honest, all of this makes me unsure about being a mommy blogger.

In addition to all things infertility and loss that still impacts my life, I know my blog attracts those interested in adoption and international adoption which clearly also impacts my life.  I also suspect some people are just interested in my perspective as a mom.  And, I know some people read about my experience of loosing my mom and sister in a car accident when I was just a teenager myself.

But, where does that leave me and My Perfect Breakdown?

And yet, as I consider my audience, I also know that my blog truly helps keep me sane.  It has taken almost 2 years for me to share about our not so good experiences with our USA adoption agencyThe Worst Experience of our USA Adoption: Part 5.  And, I needed to get that out both for others considering adoption, but also for my own mental health.  And I know I have more to say about adoption as time goes on.  And I’m sure I’ll also have more to say about our losses which I will forever carry in my heart.  And probably more to say about my heart’s desire for another child.  My life simply isn’t one thing or another, I seem to be some sort of a mush of random(ish) thoughts all mashed into my brain which ebbs and flows over time.  Which means in many ways My Perfect Breakdown has become a true expression of me.  The good.  The not so good.  And sometimes the downright bad.

But, my question today is, how do I grapple with my reality of blogging as a mom after infertility?  How do I maintain My Perfect Breakdown without hurting those at their most vulnerable time? Is this even possible?

If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow.

 

20 Comments on “What’s Next?

  1. I think all women who go through loss and then been successful in expanding their family think about others feelings. I think deep down those who are still struggling will see your success as a form of hope. And while after losing Oliver reading and hearing about others being a mom to a living child was hard for me I saw the beauty in life that I needed to be reminded of. I can’t speak for everyone but I do know that your openness about all aspects of your life has been helpful to me throughout my journey. Thank you.

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  2. Your blog (and you) is (are) an inspiration to so many people. And many people look forward to the things you have to say. But at the end of the day, this is YOUR blog. Whether it is an infertility/loss blog, adoption blog, mommy blog, make-up tutorial blog… It is all about what you want (or need) to get out and write.

    Thank you for this blog. In all aspects of it.

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  3. You are very kind and thoughtful to think of others in all of this. I think if the blog still feels like it fits you, and you need it for the emotional release and support, then you should continue. For those who it is too painful to read, they can not read it or come back to it if/when they are ready. There are those of us who will read it no matter what you write about, because we are friends of yours! ❤ (I'm in that group).

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  4. Think of your blog as an ever evolving thing that changes and adapts according to where you are at in life. People come here because of some of the topics that your write about, but they are also here because of you. They are following your journey and this is where you happen to be in it right now.

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  5. Speaking from experience as a long time reader who has not had children yet…. nothing you have ever posted about has ever hurt me. Rather, it’s made me happy for you, and excited for the possibilities. I see, in you, hope for my future and I have enjoyed watching your journey and your family grow. I hope to be able to continue, even if you turn into a Mommy Blog. 🙂

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  6. As you know, I have not suffered either infertility or loss myself, but my daughter has, and I started reading your blog and others’, so I could better understand her feelings, some of the terminology she uses and to hopefully prevent myself from inadvertently saying something to her that she would perceive as insensitive (due to me not always understanding those triggers).
    I have always appreciated how much you share your life, your thoughts and your experiences. I have also never seen a blog where you were inconsiderate of another person’s feelings. You are so open and honest with your feelings that it has helped me tremendously with better understanding of my daughter’s struggle. You always show empathy for other’s who are still struggling with infertility, and I think that because of that, I honestly don’t believe they could be upset or jealous of your eventual success in becoming a Mom. If they were upset or bothered by it, then they do always have the choice not to read your blog. But I for one can attest that your blog is valuable to others, and I would hope it give them some sense of hope. I now know some of the things to watch out for if my daughter eventually chooses the path of adoption.

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  7. I can’t speak for others, but I can speak for myself. As one of the individuals who follow your blog, has gone through loss, and has not yet had success growing our family (through infancy), reading your posts gives me hope that some day I’ll have a baby in my arms… whether it is through me conceiving and giving birth or through adoption.

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  8. You’re very considerate to think of others. It’s why I created inconceivable adventures of parenthood – I find blogging a therapy – a therapy for my life but it was mostly for infertility, but my perspective as a mother with infertility I feel different to other mom blogs. Although I use great pudding club as my primary infertility related avenue. It’s odd maintaining two blogs but I prefer it.
    I feel this is your space and that’s what blogs are about, not about others, if people wanted information then they go to a website, not a blog! Followers will come and go like friends come and go and if followers turn into friends then you won’t hurt them with what you post (unless of course you write about them!) You do you!

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  9. Good gracious we are so alike. I remember after my first miscarriage, I had started writing with those with a loss in mind. And then I got pregnant. And I basically wrote an apology post that I was pregnant. Of course, that one and the one after ended with a loss, so I went on writing about loss. But I get the feelings of guilt and not wanting to add to the pain.
    Here’s my deal. When I first found you, I think I was pregnant and I wanted some perspective of having children after a loss. Then my daughter passed away. But the way you approach all of it, genuine, realistically, pragmatically. It helped me. It helped us consider adoption as a viable option, a scary but viable option. I connect in so many ways to your story. And now being pregnant again, I know that you provide a listening ear and help me not feel so crazy. I think this shines through your blog. To have someone else who has been there, even though you have Little MPB, it helps more than you will ever know. You have become such a good friend to me.
    I don’t think you could become the mommy blogger you fear becoming because you are aware of so much more.

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  10. I must say- even in the midst of my pain, when you were matched then enjoying your little son I only felt happiness, joy and a sense of friendship with you. I think you can keep doing what you are doing without hurting anyone. I like reading about how you raise your son and your life. I would be super sad to see you go. Just one gals opinion 🙂

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  11. It’s so tricky! I obviously had to move house but everyone does there own thing. I follow many bloggers who have passed through infertility hell and into blogging about life with kids and whatever else they are thinking about! It is an individual choice. Good luck working it out.

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  12. Keep this blog going, add posts on topics that interest you, mommy posts, whatever you want to talk about. I know you can’t change the address – but can you add a blurb after the name in your picture above (I can). my perfect breakdown – new phase entered…(something that speaks to you)

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  13. This blog is your space, your place to process. I never envisioned my cross-stitching blog becoming more than that, but I just post when and whatever I want. If it contains triggers I put a warning so people can choose whether or not to read.

    I love seeing blogs evolve over time because you get a real sense of the person and connection.

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  14. It is your blog and your story, which changes over time just like you do. This is your raw honest truth and I have never felt that you write in a way to intentionally demean or alienate anyone because of where they are at in their own story or any other factors. Keep writing your story for you and the readers who need to find you will.

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  15. I always love reading your blog. Even when we were still struggling, and you finally were matched with baby MPB, I was never sad or jealous or upset about any of it. I’ve come to love you as a friend, and I love to hear about your every day life, no matter what that involves. I’d be sad if you ever left, I look forward to reading your posts daily!

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  16. I don’t remember what brought me to your blog several years ago but I know what kept me reading. Maybe it was the adoption tag? I don’t know. Our adoption stories are different in many ways, but I kept reading because a connection was made and because you are always incredibly supportive and so very kind. I will keep reading whatever you write because of the virtual friendship. Write whatever feels right.

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  17. Your blog is one of my favorites. You have helped me in so many ways for 3+ years and you don’t even know it. This blog is about you and your life, whatever hat may entail at any time. I think people know and respect that no matter where they may be in heir own lives. I, for one, would really miss (you) your blog if you didn’t write anymore ❤️

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