In a few days it will be the 20 year anniversary of my mom and sister’s death.

It’s been 20 years, and yet, I honestly cannot fathom that it’s been 20 years!!

In the last 20 years I’ve grown up, heck my entire life has changed over the last 20 years.  I graduated high school, I lived in a foreign country, I got a university degree, and then another one, I got married, we had 5 miscarriages and now I am actually a mother myself.  Clearly I am not the same young girl whose life was turned upside down by a tragic car accident.

And yet, as much as my life has continued, the young 14 year old girl who never got to say goodbye still exists within me.  I still long for another hug from my mom.  I still long to sing and dance with my sister.  I still wish for another family dinner or even just one more smile.

So often I wish I could just pick up the phone and call my mom, I know she’d be able to offer advice in a way that no-one else can.  Heck, I think I’d even listen to her.  And, I know she would have been such an amazing grandmother.  I know Little MPB would have loved her so much.

And my sister, she died way too young, she was only 15.  She was just a kid.  Sometimes I wonder, what would she be doing now if she were still alive?  Would she have achieved her dream of becoming a teacher?  Would she be a mom?  Gosh, she would have been an amazing mom!!  And I cannot help but wonder what we’d chat about on the phone once our kids were in bed, and what stories we’d share with each other.  She was my sister, but even as teenagers she was also my best friend.

I truly miss them, every single day.

I always find the lead up to the anniversary of the deaths the hardest.  I become consumed with dread as the date approaches.  And this year, like every other year, is no different.

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15 Comments on “Dread

  1. Of course you can’t help thinking about what should have been. They would both have been so proud of you and it’s heartbreaking that they didn’t get to be around anymore. To lose both your mother and sister in one moment like that is just so awful. Thinking of you as their anniversary approaches.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There are some things that your heart never recovers from, aren’t they? You have through a lot, I can tell you that. You must be a very strong, positive woman to still be standing. Sending a huge hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is almost too much for one person to bear, and yet you do. When people are hit by tragedy, I’m always amazed that they get through it, and yet humans are strangely resilient. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs from England. X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thinking of you during this time. I can totally understand and relate to the dread that comes with the lead up to these types of anniversaries. Sending love to you.


  5. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling as this day approaches. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you so much love.


  6. My heart aches for you. Time never takes away the grief, it just changes it. And in some ways, I think it almost makes it deeper. The longing and the missing…you lost the two most important people anyone could ever lose and I know their kindness and love lives on in you. You’re truly one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I know they would both be so proud of you.


  7. Thinking about you. These anniversaries are always so hard and 20 years… I can only imagine how you are feeling. May you be surrounded by love on the day and sending lots of love from afar. ❤


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