Another Year Gone

Today is a day I reserve solely for remembering my mom and sister.  It has now been 19 years since they were killed.  An anniversary no-one should have to acknowledge, but yet is deeply ingrained in my heart and my very being.

Yet, this year is different then any of the past years.  I find myself struggling with my emotions and my words just are not coming to me.  I miss them with every ounce of my being.

This year I acknowledge just how deeply impacted my entire life has been since I lost my mom and sister when I was 14 years old.  I’ve survived the grief, but it has taken an immeasurable toll on my entire life.  And so, I am going to say a silent prayer hoping that my son never has to experience the loss of a parent or a sibling while he is still just a child.  No child should ever have to experience such a loss, and I desperately hope for my son’s sake that he never does.

Yet, I also realize, the timing or life and death is something I cannot not control.  No matter how much I wish and hope and try to protect my son from this kind of hurt and trauma, it is not something I can control.  I know that life can end in an instant.  I know that there are no guarantees.  Should someone miss a stop sign, life can end in an instant just as it did for my mom and sister.  Hell, a meteor could fall from the sky tomorrow and the entire planet could be obliterated. There just are no guarantees.

So, while I miss my mom and sister every single day, I also know just how important savoring each moment is.

And now as a mother to a living child, I  have a new perspective that I have not had on previous anniversaries.  This year my focus seems to be on the fact that not only was my innocent childhood destroyed, but so were the lives my mom and sister were leading.  At 15, my sister died too young – she never had the opportunity to have a first part-time job, graduate high school, go to university, become a mom or become an Auntie.  And my mom never got to watch her children grow to be adults.  She never got to cheer us on at our high school graduations, or help plan our weddings with us or meet her grandchildren.   As a family, we missed out on so many things that we should have been able to take for granted. I refuse to lose sight of this.

And so I am determined to rejoice in the moments I have with my family.  I am so incredibly fortunate to have an amazing husband and the most adorable son.  I realize today just how fortunate I am to be able to watch him grow and learn. I have the opportunity to cheer him on and support him as he experience his life milestones.  I hope with everything in me that I am able to experience a lifetime of them.

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27 Comments on “Another Year Gone

  1. My heart and thoughts are with you today. I know your mom and sister must be so happy for and proud of you. I wish so badly they could be here with you, today and always.

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  2. I will be thinking of you all day. I can only imagine that having your son makes the grief and the joy even more profound. big hugs.

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  3. This brings tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a four month old and I worry a lot that something will happen to me and I will miss out on her life. I want to be there always but like you said we really have no control so we enjoy each day and never take the days we have for granted.

    Hugs to you on this difficult day.

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  4. Thinking of you. I have a tear in the eye just thinking of your sister and the things she didn’t get to do. And for you for not having your mum with you growing up. You are amazing for building this life for yourself and for your strong marriage and now parents to your little one. Amazing. Sending you hugs today xx

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  5. Thinking of you today, my friend. You are right that grief makes the joyous moments so much more memorable and worth cherishing. I have no doubt that Baby MPB will grow up being an incredibly cherished and loved little boy. I wish your mom and sister could be there to watch him grow up, but I know that he will still know them through you. Xo.

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  6. Mother and sister love is unimagineable. I am do sorry that you miss it every point of your life. It is sad.😒. Hope you can recover from all these sadness through baby MPB😊

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  7. Thinking of you today, and sending lots of love. Make sure to hold your baby and husband close today. *hugs*

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  8. Thinking of you today. Your perspective is so encouraging. I know you cherish life and value your son so very much. Life is short but so precious.

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  9. Beautifully written. I appreciate your honest and thoughtful words. I lost my father just over a year ago. I am so thankful that I got 23 years with him and the loss taught me so much about how I want to live my life from here on out. Thank you for this post! xo

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  10. Thank you for your honesty. Despite having survived the grief, you acknowledge the devastating effect it’s had on your life. I so agree and appreciate your openness.

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