Invincible

In addition to the work-mom balance that at the moment is part of the chaos in my life, I’ve realized another thing that is truly eating away at me was Baby MPB’s first illness.

First, let me state that rationally, I realize that the roseola virus is not the end of the word.  In fact, Baby MPB had made a full recovery as he’s back to his healthy and happy self.

But, his illness nearly scared the life out of me.  Honestly, it terrified me. Since the day we found out about him, I knew he would always be the focus of my life.  And then, the moment he was placed in my arms, there was no doubt that my heart is forever tied to his heart.

But, feeling his little limp body in my arms as we sat at the hospital scared me more then I could ever have imaged.

And, somehow this made it real to me that he’s not invincible.  Just because he’s here today doesn’t mean he will be tomorrow – and just that thought brings tears to my eyes.  I just want him to always be healthy and happy.

But, holding his little body at the hospital, not knowing how to help, not knowing what was wrong or if he’d be okay, it petrified me.

And sadly, I know all too well that life has no guarantees.  That’s just not how life works.

Clearly, I cannot live a healthy life being afraid that Baby MPB might die tomorrow.  But I honestly have no idea what to do with this thought.  And I have no idea how to not let it eat at me.

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26 Comments on “Invincible

  1. I have no real advice on this one, but I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I think probably most parents feel this way at some point, so I feel like you’re not alone in this one. All I can say is maybe try to live in the moment as much as possible with him, and enjoy the time you’re having with him right now. Of course you can make plans for the future, but no that no matter what, things don’t always go to plan. You’re doing the very best you can with him, and you’re doing an amazing job. Just give him extra squishes and kisses, and hopefully that will help you feel a bit better! *hugs*

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  2. That is a tough and scary thought. When Cora had the flu recently, she did the same scary, limp body thing. The scariest thing about being a parent is the fact that you can’t save your child from everything. Those parents that have lost children, I just can’t imagine. One of the worst feelings. I think you just have to train your mind to be grateful for the miracle of each day, as corny as it sounds.

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  3. Sweetie, there are no garuantees in life. But dont let one thought cripple your peace. All kids fall sick , even if you cooped him home and wiped every damn surface with Lysol. Remember,!you will always
    Stay on top of everything in his life and will move heaven and earth to keep him happy and healthy. Accept what you can control and work towards it.
    Negativity wont get you anywhere and worse you will miss out on a happy life fearing what (God willing)’will never happen. Hugs.

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  4. I feel this way all the time about my boys. It terrifies me. Unfortunately, it’s one of the uncertainties of life. Just about all we can really do is realize we are not in control and just live each day as it comes.

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  5. I literally have chills reading this. I can relate to all your feelings so much. I guess that is what moms do. Worry about their babies. And I think because we’ve been through SO much and now have our babies in our arms we want to do all we can to protect them. I know that “dark” place our brains can go and like you said it’s not healthy or productive but sometimes we go there and it’s really scary. I’ve often thought to myself “if something happens to Luke I won’t recover.” Ugh. I guess we should focus on the fact that they are happy and healthy and thriving and hope to God we can keep them that way forever!

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  6. Please know you are not alone with that fear. I’m sure most parents feel this way, especially after seeing their child so sick. I know I will be worried about my child as well. Unfortunately (and you obviously know this) there are no guarantees in life but the odds are in your favor that baby MPB will have a long, healthy life. I hope what I’m saying isn’t trite. I just want to give you a big hug and reassure you. Maybe I should just say that!

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  7. Ugh. Having kids is like having your heart run around outside your body. Entertaining the idea that something may happen terrifies me also so I just try my best not to do it and assume all will be fine. It has to be!!

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    • I’m with you on just not going there! That’s my normal approach and when I do go there I’m almost always able to talk myself away from the crazy. As you say. I have to assume it will be fine because it just has to be fine! And thanks for letting me know this is normal.

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  8. I get lost in those same kind of thoughts sometimes. Particularly when I read terrible things about babies in the news online. Facing our childrens’ mortality is flat out terrifying.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. As much as I hate to admit it, this is a fear I deal with tremendously. My daughter is just everything to me and without her I don’t think I could go on. I get anxious in the car, scared of getting hit by a drunk driver or a texting teen. We recently took her to the hospital for the first time ever because she was screaming of leg pain. She wouldn’t walk or stand and the scream she let out when I touched her legs scared me so incredibly much. It turned out to be a viral illness and we just had to let it run its course but all of those scary thoughts crossed my mind. Whenever I start feeling like that I try to pull myself out of it and engage in fun play with little B. Try doing something that makes you feel good to distract you from these thoughts.

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    • I really appreciate knowing that I’m not alone with this fear! Like you I too try to simply distract myself from it when it comes up. Most of the time it works but it sucks when it doesn’t!

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  10. These are very scary thoughts… and unfortunately probably pretty normal for parents to experience. The more loving and attentive a parent you are, the worse these fears probably are…

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  11. I hate when these horrific and scary thoughts creep in. You are definitely not alone. Just realize you have power over your thoughts and redirect them when they go down this rabbit hole. Do it over and over and eventually it will become habit. I always calm myself down by repeating ( in my head) he is happy and healthy and doing great over and over.

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  12. This is the worst. I am sorry you’re feeling this way. I don’t have any advise, as I have similar thoughts and worry a lot too. You’re not alone.

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  13. I have this fear too, you aren’t the only one. I don’t know where this thought comes from, I just know I will do anything to protect my daughter. It is so hard not to worry, especially in this day and age.

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    • So true, this time and age is so bad in so many aspects that you really wonder how to protect the little ones.

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  14. Aww, I understand this too! Adrian is finally passed that “fragile” stage and it makes me feel just a tiny bit better, but I think about his first illness and how I am going to handle that too. What you describe feels very normal to me after all you’ve been through. Just try to breathe deeply! Hugs! Glad Baby is feeling better now!

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  15. Friend, you have such a…history with the people you love the most and the people you wanted the most, leaving you too soon, so this “irrational” fear of something terrible happening to your baby, your most prized thing on this planet, your “best thing to EVER happen to me” is very, very real! I can imagine the fear that most of us feel as parents in outliving our children is exponentially greater for you, it’s more “real” for you, because in a way, you have lived that already and it’s been horrible and painful. The only solace I can offer is that, we ALL feel that. We are are scared to death when our babies are so so sick. We all feel so helpless when there is nothing we can do about it. But the truth is, getting sick happens, feeling helpless happens, and then everyone is better and we don’t stress….until the next illness and it happens again! You’re not alone Mama Bear. You’re such a great mom!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am glad the baby is well again. I know exactly what you mean. I get scared whenever my boy is unwell. But this meansxwe are doing our job well andvthey are lucky to have us as mums;)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. It is the curse of wanting something so bad and when you finally get what you’ve wanted all along, then you are forever cursed with the fear of losing it.

    I don’t now what to say, but sometimes it’s just to cherish every moment. They are so precious. My thoughts and prayers to you and your child 🙂

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