I am sitting here in what has morphed into my usual writing spot.  It’s a chair that we bought second hand, it has spots of wear that show someone loved it before me. I love each spot of this chair because I like to believe that someone likely sat here passing the hours doing something they love, much like I am doing now. I like to imagine the happiness that someone else experienced sitting right here, before me.

This chair, this spot in my home has become very special to me in the last few months.  It is where I get my creative genius (and not so creative genius) on.  It’s where I dream about our future and remember my past. In this place I feel most connected to myself.  It’s silly because it’s just a space, but yet in the last few months it has quite clearly become my space.

Yesterday, my space took an unexpected turn as I sat here feeling absolutely devastated.  I did not cry for myself.  I did not cry for our lost babies that I will never hold in my arms.  I did not cry over a new and unexpected adoption frustration.  I did no cry because I want another moment with my mom and sister.  No tears were spilled due to someone’s insensitivity.

Instead, I I had tears running down my cheeks because the world lost a true angle and one mother is entering a world of pain and hurt that no-one should ever have to experience.  And, for me the odd part of my strong emotional reaction is that I have never actually met this little girl or her mother, and yet this duo has profoundly impacted my life.  So today, I want to take a moment and appreciate all of them, and all that this little girl was, and will always be.

The little girl I’m talking about is Eva, over at The One In A Million Baby.

When I woke up yesterday morning, the very first post I saw was this post.  Based on the title, I innocently assumed by the post’s title that Eva had slept wonderfully and her dear mother Tessa was excited to share another achievement.  Instead, Tessa’s precious little girl unexpectedly died.

As I said, I have never met Tessa or Eva in real life.  But, both of these wonderful individuals have enriched my life and I feel compelled to share the lessons I have learned from this wonderful mother and daughter.

Eva was a beautiful little girl, inside and out.  Unfortunately, the day she entered the world, the odds were stacked against her.  But somehow, she overcame everything and she often did so with a smile!  Eva constantly surpassed all expectations.  Eva constantly brought happiness to those around her.  With every story, video and picture, Eva encapsulated the innocence of life. Her beauty and her courage always made me smile in awe.

I am also in awe of Eva’s mommy, Tessa.  Tessa struggled with becoming a parent to a child with special needs, as I suspect virtually everyone else would.  What made he amazing is that she shared things that most people simply would choose not to talk about and in fact she has withstood attacks for decisions she made that were the best decisions she could make at the time. Yet by sharing her entire story, she has undoubtedly inspired many families raising children with special needs.  And, she has also inspired people like me, that don’t really have a comparable situation.  She has inspired me to continue to authentic in my writing and my sharing no matter the negativity that may occur from time to time.  And much more importantly she has inspired me to remember that no matter the circumstance we can overcome the worst of things to live a full life.  With every medical diagnosis her daughter faced, she persevered and made it through until the next day.  With ever bad day, she found a way for herself and for her daughter.  Tessa always had her daughter’s well-being as her absolute first priority, and would have done anything to make her daughter’s life just a little bit easier.  Tessa’s love for her daughter is evident with every single word and picture.  Simply, I aspire to be half the mother Tessa is to her sweet little girl.

Tessa, thank you for sharing yourself and your little girl with me, and the entire world.  My life has been enriched by knowing you both. The afterlife deeply confuses me, but I adamantly believe that Eva is no longer suffering.  And I know you are now walking the hardest path you will ever traverse. I have no idea the pain you are currently experiencing, but I know the hole that has been left in my heart and soul when I lost my mom and sister almost 18 years ago and I know nothing will ever fill that hole just as nothing will ever fill the Eva’s void in your heart.  I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug, and offer you a safe space to grieve.

I hope you know that Eva is missed and will forever be remembered fondly.  You are both deeply loved.  While I cannot take away your pain, please know that I (and others) will be here cheering you on from across the world.

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