Let me start by saying right up front, I am NOT pregnant. Nor do I really want to be at this point (I say really, only because I think part of me will always want to know what it’s like to experience a healthy pregnancy).
Anyways, when one of our family members visited us to meet Baby MPB, the first thing I thought when she took off her jacket was she’s pregnant again. I surprised myself by even thinking this, because why should I care since I have Baby MPB now. Anyways, I told myself to let it go, there’s no-way.
Well, shortly into our visit, they announced that they are pregnant again with their third. And they are telling people a bit too early, but they really aren’t worried.
My heart fell to the floor and I felt my breath catch. I could not believe it. All I wanted to do was cry.
My emotions went into overdrive – hurt, sorrow, envy, anger and jealousy. And heaps of bitterness. Every one of these feelings came back and flooded through my body. It was all I could do to muster up a mandatory congratulations, when are you due?
Yet, this time, unlike anytime past announcement, I was staring at my son. In fact, I was holding him. My rational brain couldn’t understand why I feel this way – I have no right to be upset, we have our son.
But you know what, that self-imposed perspective is crap.
Yes, we have Baby MPB and we love him more then I can ever explain. But, we worked our butts off to have him. We went through years of loss. We have shared the most intimate parts of ourselves in order to be approved to be parents. We are in massive debt for the first time in our lives and will be climbing out of it for the next few years. We literally flew around the continent to make this life happen. Needless to say, nothing about having our son was easy.
And so, to hear someone who has two children announce they are pregnant again and to do so without worry of loss simply sucked. It cut because that simply will never be us. And, honestly, I part of me still wants it to be us. I would love to be part of the “ops” club or the “first try” club. I would love more then almost anything to give Baby MPB a sibling, somehow. But unless we win the lottery (and then decide to subject ourselves once again to the insanity that is the adoption process) or some sort of miracle occurs, I rationally know that Baby MPB is going to be an only child. Our future will not include the spontaneous healthy pregnancy. And, spontaneous international adoptions rarely, if ever, occur.
And you know what, it’s sucks that it was not and will not ever be easy for us. And it sucks that I will forever carry around our lost babies in my heart and soul.
So, what this announcement taught me is that while I am thankful everyday for Baby MPB, he will not erase the years of hurt and the anguish it took to bring him into our lives. I will carry these scars with me, and I just hope that with time, these things will hurt a little less.
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I have had a few people ask me what is next for my blog. What will happen now that we are entering an entirely new phase of our lives? Will I shut my blog down or continue to write? Will I write about being a mommy? Will I share about the adoption dynamics? How will we deal with wanting a second child one day?
The answer to all of this, I have no idea exactly what will happen with my blog content.
But, I do know, without a doubt, that My Perfect Breakdown is going to continue to be a part of my life.
I have no idea what I will write about it. I will probably write about everything, because that’s just sort of what I do. I write about whatever is on my mind on any given day. Maybe I’ll write about:
- The anniversary of my first D&C just passed. This year was different as I was holding my living son in my arms. I still have some pretty mixed feelings about this.
- Attempting to parent and work because that now my life. There maybe a post or two about trying to hire a part-time nanny because I cannot fathom how we can keep this pace up for much longer.
- Working through all the lingering emotions surrounding our 5 losses and now parenting. (Something tells me this will be a life-long adventure).
- Being an adoptive mom and navigating the interesting questions I am asked by friends and family and complete strangers.
- Our relationship with our birth mom/family (but, I expect to be guarded with these details as it’s not my story to tell).
- My dream to have 2 children that simply doesn’t mesh with any reality I can see right now.
- I know I’ll share more details about the actual adoption process we endured in the USA. (I’m guessing you’ve noticed that I’ve been light on this stuff, but I just cannot share that stuff right now for so many reasons which I also will not discuss right now).
- Having a 90lbs dog and an infant learn to live together (and hopefully become best friends).
- Eating healthy and working out. Ya, I need to get back to that.
- Who knows, maybe I’ll even write about attempting to sustain a marriage with an infant and a career.
I don’t know exactly what I’ll write about it or how often I’ll write, but I know I will continue to write. Honestly, it’s just in my blood. I need to write – it helps keeps me sane, in a very insane world. Writing is simply an important part of my life and I have no intentions to stop. I cannot let it go.
And of course, I love connecting with everyone else, and I plan to continue to do that. And, so I hope people keep reading. I also understand that my transition may be hard for some people. I completely understand the pain of watching someone go to the otherside, and if this is too hard for you right now, I get it.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 