Let me start by saying right up front, I am NOT pregnant. Nor do I really want to be at this point (I say really, only because I think part of me will always want to know what it’s like to experience a healthy pregnancy).
Anyways, when one of our family members visited us to meet Baby MPB, the first thing I thought when she took off her jacket was she’s pregnant again. I surprised myself by even thinking this, because why should I care since I have Baby MPB now. Anyways, I told myself to let it go, there’s no-way.
Well, shortly into our visit, they announced that they are pregnant again with their third. And they are telling people a bit too early, but they really aren’t worried.
My heart fell to the floor and I felt my breath catch. I could not believe it. All I wanted to do was cry.
My emotions went into overdrive – hurt, sorrow, envy, anger and jealousy. And heaps of bitterness. Every one of these feelings came back and flooded through my body. It was all I could do to muster up a mandatory congratulations, when are you due?
Yet, this time, unlike anytime past announcement, I was staring at my son. In fact, I was holding him. My rational brain couldn’t understand why I feel this way – I have no right to be upset, we have our son.
But you know what, that self-imposed perspective is crap.
Yes, we have Baby MPB and we love him more then I can ever explain. But, we worked our butts off to have him. We went through years of loss. We have shared the most intimate parts of ourselves in order to be approved to be parents. We are in massive debt for the first time in our lives and will be climbing out of it for the next few years. We literally flew around the continent to make this life happen. Needless to say, nothing about having our son was easy.
And so, to hear someone who has two children announce they are pregnant again and to do so without worry of loss simply sucked. It cut because that simply will never be us. And, honestly, I part of me still wants it to be us. I would love to be part of the “ops” club or the “first try” club. I would love more then almost anything to give Baby MPB a sibling, somehow. But unless we win the lottery (and then decide to subject ourselves once again to the insanity that is the adoption process) or some sort of miracle occurs, I rationally know that Baby MPB is going to be an only child. Our future will not include the spontaneous healthy pregnancy. And, spontaneous international adoptions rarely, if ever, occur.
And you know what, it’s sucks that it was not and will not ever be easy for us. And it sucks that I will forever carry around our lost babies in my heart and soul.
So, what this announcement taught me is that while I am thankful everyday for Baby MPB, he will not erase the years of hurt and the anguish it took to bring him into our lives. I will carry these scars with me, and I just hope that with time, these things will hurt a little less.
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