I don’t seem to have the energy to put together coherent sentences right now (thanks to Snuza for giving a false alarm at 3am and Baby MPB for then waking up at the unusually early hour of 4:30am). So, today I’m going to share a completely random list of things floating around in my mind:
- Dinner parties no longer seem to exist in our lives. Now, we do lunches. And lunches are great.
- Baby MPB is a wonderful sleeper and often falls asleep for the night within 10-15 minutes and he pretty much sleeps through the night except for 1 feeding around 11:30pm (I know we are spoiled). We used to have him sleep in his pack n play in the living room so one of us was always right next to him. But, now he spends his nights in his room and I hate it. I feel like I’m putting him away, and so I hate putting him to bed. Like, really hate it! I try to find creative ways to make Mr. MPB put Baby MPB to bed most nights.
- I just received a new work project which is a good thing since I’m a consultant and I never know when my next project is going to come along. I’m excited and yet rather anxious.
- I love our new nanny. She doesn’t fold laundry like the last one did, which I do miss. But, she does a phenomenal job with Baby MPB and she loves our dog too. I’m already sad that we will be saying good bye to her in a few months.
- Baby MPB is growing up too fast. Yet, I’m surprised that this doesn’t make me very sad. Rather, I’m excited. I love watching him grow and develop and I’m so excited to see what he will do next.
- I found 2 massive used book sales last weekend with children books priced at $1.00 and $0.50. I am embarrassed by the number of books I bought (128), but I am thrilled that I spent less then $75 on all the books. And so many were books I remember from my childhood. This made me seriously happy.
- It’s a long weekend here and the weather is supposed to be miserable and Mr. MPB might be away for a night leaving Baby MPB and I on our own for our first ever night. So I’m looking to find some fun indoor activities for the weekend. Maybe it’s time for Baby MPB’s first time swimming?
- I adore amazon prime, so long as I don’t think about how horribly they apparently treat their staff. We buy almost everything for Baby MPB on amazon including diapers and formula. Amazon is almost always cheaper then anywhere else and it saves me the time and effort of actually going shopping. Since I hate shopping and don’t have a lot of extra time these days, this is a huge win in my life.
- I hate adoption bureaucracy, but I think I may be winning this battle! I should know for sure soon, but I’m optimistic for the first time in a few weeks.
- I’ve been running at least 3 times per week for a few weeks now. It feels good, except for my one calf muscle which is revolting at the moment. That said, I’m dreading this morning’s run in the rain.
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I always dreamed of having two children. So did Mr. MPB.
Eventually our dream became to simply have one living child.
We now have that dream thanks to Baby MPB.
Yet, I already feel my heart longing for another. I’ve already said on multiple occasions, if I could have another one without compromising Baby MPB’s lifestyle and future I would, in a heartbeat.
Yet, we are already giving away and selling Baby MPB’s things that we no longer need. Because the dream of a second child feels unachievable. The facts for us are simple:
- International adoption will cost us another $80,000+.
- Local adoption will be at least a 3+ year wait.
- My body will not sustain the life of a fetus without significant intervention which we cannot get locally and thus would cost us $80,000+. And, the intervention does not come with a guarantee.
- A gestational carrier has never really been a viable option for us (read all of that here).
- We are tens of thousands of dollars in debt due to the bills associated with our current adoption. This will take at least a few years to pay off.
- We are not contributing to Baby MPB’s education fund in the way we’d like to. It has always been our goal to be able to afford to pay for his post secondary education (if he wants to go) so that he will not accumulate his own debt to start out adulthood.
- I’ve never wanted my children to be many years apart. And for us to adopt locally or finding a way to pay for another adoption will take us years.
So, rationally, we cannot have another child. And, like it or not, Mr. MPB and I are extremely rational people. We took our leap of faith when we adopted our son, and honestly, he’s as close to perfect as humanly possible. He’s all I could ever have dreamed for. Heck, he’s more then I ever dreamed for!
And so, I’m finding these days I’m saying things like:
- Being an only child isn’t a bad thing. He’ll make great friends and be involved in a lot of social activities – bring on soccer and hockey!
- There’s a 99.9% chance Baby MPB will be an only child, so we’d better make the most of these baby days.
- With only one child, we should be able to afford to travel and experience the world Baby MPB the world. Maybe we’ll even be able to buy our dream second home in the mountains one day.
- If by some miracle we have another child one day we can just re-purchase everything we are getting rid of now.
- With only one child, we should be able to pay for his post-secondary education so that he will be debt free coming out of university.
- Maybe we could foster other children. Or do respite for other foster families so that Baby MPB will have other kids around and we will have other kids around to fill our house with love, joy and silly chaos that’s we’ve always hoped for. I’m confident that we’d get approved since we already have a government approved home study so we don’t have to worry about that.
Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that we’ll be okay with one.
Maybe my heart will always long for another.
Regardless, all I know is that our one child is perfect and if he’s the only child to ever call me mommy I’ll be okay with that. Every single day I am thankful to be his mommy!
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My Perfect Breakdown 