It’s official.  Baby MPB will be a big brother.

I knew this was in the realm of possibilities, however slim.  But, I just didn’t think that day would come anytime soon.

But, as with most things baby making related after living through recurrent pregnancy loss, it’s nothing like I imagined.

You see, Baby MPB’s sibling will live in an entirely different country, thousands of miles away from us.  We will make every effort possible to ensure Baby MPB and his sibling know each other.  But we also realize this decision isn’t solely ours to make.

Baby MPB’s birth mother is having another child.  She intends to raise the baby with the babies father (not Baby MPB’s birth father).  We actually spent some time with him when Baby MPB was born – he seemed like a genuinely good guy.  And so we are honestly excited and hopeful for the two of them.  Nothing would make me happier then to see everything work out for them.

We’ve already told her that we want to visit once baby is born so that the babies can know each other.  She seemed excited about that and also wants the babies to know each other.

But, I’ll admit, when I found out, I took this news a bit harder then I maybe should have.  Of course, like most things related to pregnancy announcements, I kept my feelings to myself.  My emotions are my problem and not something I’m about to share with newly expecting mom.

Let me be clear, I’m not upset because she’s pregnant, I am truly hopeful and happy for her.

I’ve realized my complex emotions come from two sources:

1. I’ve always wanted two children.  I’ve been hiding/suppressing my desire for 2 children since Baby MPB joined our family because I know realistically 1 is all we’ll ever have (and I am beyond thankful for our one, please don’t get me wrong).  So to hear that he will have a sibling, but not a sibling that he will grow up with, breaks my heart.  And it’s just not the same being raised thousands of miles apart from each other.  But, because it’s important to us, we will do everything possible to make sure Baby MPB knows his sibling so long as it’s a safe and healthy relationship (and I do honestly think it will be).  I guess, in my mind, the announcement of his sibling is just a cruel reminder of what we cannot give Baby MPB.
2. Why the f*&! can we not have children like everyone else in the world?  Honestly, why does my body have to be so incredibly broken?  Realistically the only way we can afford another child is if we randomly get pregnancy and miraculously stay pregnant, which just isn’t about to happen.  Knowing we’ll go through another miscarriage, and we’ll watch another baby die, just isn’t something we are going to do.  And, knowing how close we came to losing my life during one of our losses, it’s not a risk we are willing to take or an experience we are willing to knowingly repeat.  But, I’ll admit, it seems tempting to just stop birth control and roll the dice.  Honestly, some-days it just sucks to be barren and to watch everyone else in the world have babies, especially when they aren’t trying and they are actually taking all the right steps to prevent a pregnancy.  Some days, I just cannot help but wonder why the world hates me so much?  Most days, the good ones, I realize that my barrenness is the reason baby MPB is in our lives today and I’m thankful for that.  But other days, when I want a second child, it sucks.  It sucks knowing I’m the reason he cannot have a sibling.  It sucks knowing I’m the reason my husband cannot have a second child.  It sucks knowing that the one thing I want more then anything in the world is the one thing I cannot fix and I cannot overcome.

And so, regardless of my emotions, here we are excitedly awaiting the arrival of Baby MPB’s sibling.  Here’s to hoping the future allows these two little ones to know each other and hopefully be friends.

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