A Distant Reminder of a Cruel Situation
We are quickly approaching an anniversary I desperately wish I didn’t have to remember. In fact, part of me wishes there was some way to remove just this one day from my brain .
August 13, 2013.
The facts are simple. We had an abortion. Technically many call it a termination for medical reasons. Our baby was dying, and my life was at risk. But where I live the medical system wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy in a hospital emergency room until my life was in imminent risk, and evidently I wasn’t close enough to death so I was sent to an abortion clinic.
So, 3 years ago we walked into an abortion clinic, to save my life. For us, it was the right decision, and I would make the same decision again today if I were faced with the same facts. That said, that day, that moment, was undeniably one of the absolute hardest of my life.
And so today, I sit here and I remember with tears streaming down my cheeks. I remember the torture and emotional trauma I was put through at the clinic. But mostly, I’m trying to focus on remembering our little girl, whose name only we know and whose memory only we cherish.
I keep trying to remind myself that this 3rd anniversary is different – I’m holding my son, a son who I love more then life it’s self, a son who has made my dreams come true. And yet, no matter how hard I try to focus on the amazingness of our son, I cannot help but think of our little girl and what could have been and how much I wish I could hold her in my arms too.
I try to imagine her nose, her hair, her smile or even her laugh. I try to picture her running in the backyard and playing with her little brother. And I can’t. I literally have no picture of this little girl in my mind. And I hate that no matter how hard I try, she’s essentially nothing more then a name and a distant reminder of a cruel situation.
Honestly, how has it been 3 years? Why the hell was I put through the experience of an abortion/TFMR? How the heck did we survive the loss of our little girl, and the loss of 4 other babies? And why the heck did we have to go through so many losses, and be left with nothing more then memories? I just don’t get it…
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