A Distant Reminder of a Cruel Situation

We are quickly approaching an anniversary I desperately wish I didn’t have to remember.  In fact, part of me wishes there was some way to remove just this one day from my brain .

August 13, 2013.

The facts are simple.  We had an abortion.  Technically many call it a termination for medical reasons.  Our baby was dying, and my life was at risk.  But where I live the medical system wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy in a hospital emergency room until my life was in imminent risk, and evidently I wasn’t close enough to death so I was sent to an abortion clinic.

So, 3 years ago we walked into an abortion clinic, to save my life.  For us, it was the right decision, and I would make the same decision again today if I were faced with the same facts.  That said, that day, that moment, was undeniably one of the absolute hardest of my life.

And so today, I sit here and I remember with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I remember the torture and emotional trauma I was put through at the clinic.  But mostly, I’m trying to focus on remembering our little girl, whose name only we know and whose memory only we cherish.

I keep trying to remind myself that this 3rd anniversary is different – I’m holding my son, a son who I love more then life it’s self, a son who has made my dreams come true.  And yet, no matter how hard I try to focus on the amazingness of our son, I cannot help but think of our little girl and what could have been and how much I wish I could hold her in my arms too.

I try to imagine her nose, her hair, her smile or even her laugh.  I try to picture her running in the backyard and playing with her little brother.  And I can’t.  I literally have no picture of this little girl in my mind.  And I hate that no matter how hard I try, she’s essentially nothing more then a name and a distant reminder of a cruel situation.

Honestly, how has it been 3 years?  Why the hell was I put through the experience of an abortion/TFMR? How the heck did we survive the loss of our little girl, and the loss of 4 other babies?  And why the heck did we have to go through so many losses, and be left with nothing more then memories?  I just don’t get it…

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21 Comments on “A Distant Reminder of a Cruel Situation

  1. Thinking of you. I didn’t know we had angelversary dates so close together (but with our combined 9 miscarriages, how could we not?!)…After A.G., our medical termination miscarriage was the hardest too. It’s horrible not to know if our babies felt pain or, in my case, how developed he/she was in the first place. I just know having to walk into a room to kill your baby is one of the hardest things in the whole universe. Many hugs to you as the date approaches.


  2. I’m sorry that this difficult day is upon you. Those questions of “why” are frustrating as no answers can be given. I remember when I first found your blog reading about baby #3 and my heart ached for your and your husband. Please know I’ll be thinking of you and your daughter on the 13th.


  3. Oh, reading this makes me wish once again that you’d never had to go through that terrible experience. Thinking of you and your daughter as this difficult day approaches.


  4. I only like this post because I (and so many others) can relate to you in some capacity. I’m sorry that you’re coming up on this hard day. It sucks that we all have to go through these hard things…one thing I WILL say is that at least it has brought us together, because I don’t know what I would have done some days without all of you. (Especially you!) Having a child (through whatever means) after loss does not erase that loss. It doesn’t take the hurt away, it just gives us something to look forward to and smile about. Those lost babies will always be in our hearts, they will always be part of us, and we can just hope that they are looking down over their siblings and watching over them as if they were right beside them. *hugs*


  5. I don’t get it either. And whatever term we give it it still sucks and it still isn’t fair. Sending you hugs today X


  6. I’m so sorry… I’ll never forget learning that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat, and then worse, being handed pills, on which the bottle started, indication: abortion. I was heartbroken. But you know in your heart it was the right and best choice.

    Liked by 1 person

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