At approximately 12am the other night my husband woke me up with the following 2 sentences:
Can you go check on Baby MPB? Just make sure he’s still there.
I think he said some other stuff, but truthfully as soon as I heard make sure he’s still there, my mind stopped. I know the chances of him being kidnapped from our house are relatively low (rather astronomically low), but it’s still my biggest fear. I feel like I could handle almost anything else in life, but literally loosing baby MPB is the one thing I don’t think I’d survive. I realize the kidnapped from his bed fear is irrational. And I realize I have absolutely no reason to let this fear occupy space in my mind. But let’s be honest, if fears were rational then they wouldn’t really be a fear, now would they?
Because I realize this fear isn’t rational in an attempt to help manage/over come it, on numerous occasions I have articulated it to Mr. MPB. My theory is that if I articulate it and talk about it I’ll make it normal and less of a fear.
Well, needless to say, I’m not sure what Mr. MPB was thinking when he said just make sure he’s still there. I don’t know if he was half asleep, having a bad dream himself or just decided he knew I’d react to that sentence. But, I do need to point out that Mr. MPB always has the video monitor through the night whereas I just rely on sound. So, while saying to me just make sure he’s still there , Mr. MPB had the video monitor in his hand. I honestly don’t know what he was thinking!!
Anyways, those words ensured that I instantly shot out of bed. I went straight into Baby MPB’s room, faster then I ever thought possible, successfully witnessed that he was still there and in the process woke him up. Both Mr. MPB and I spent the next hour consoling and calming what was a nicely sleeping baby.
Eventually, Baby MPB and Mr. MPB both went back to sleep.
I on the other hand spent the remainder of the night wide awake imagining gut-wrenching awful thoughts of my son not being there.
By the time the morning came around, I made the decision that our 90lbs dog is not a good enough security system. So ive decided to get a home security system (which are relatively rare for people to have in my part of the world). Rational or not, and possibly a waste of money, I am hoping it will help manage my irrational fear.
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So, I was pretty sick for about 10 days. It wasn’t fun. And, I was pretty much useless when it came to taking care of Baby MPB, which meant Mr. MPB did basically all the night feedings and almost all baby things when our nanny wasn’t working. It was clearly not even close to a fair share of responsibilities, but asides from Mr. MPB being exhausted, he didn’t complain much. And honestly, that happens and that’s part of why we are married and co-parenting together. Next time he’s sick, I’ll do the same.
Now I’m feeling a bit better and am back with the world of healthy people. Which is good.
Except, well, I wasn’t a very nice wife when it came my turn to pick up the slack. You see, 1 business day a week we are nanny free – the idea being that we each spend half a day with Baby MPB – quality one-on-one time. Baby MPB and I spend the morning together (it’s our weekly swim date) and Mr. MPB and Baby MPB spend the afternoon together. Well, Mr. MPB had a last minute work thing come up and he turned to me to take care of Baby MPB in the afternoon. I got rather mad at him. I focused on what it meant t0 me – I would miss a deadline. Ya, I could probably make things work out without too much flack, but I was still mad. Mostly I was just mad that it was last minute and I wasn’t given a heads up.
So, we argued. We argued about the fact that we recently upped our nanny to 4 days a week in large part because he’s been too busy with work and I refused to give up my spin class (if I gave up spin class I would have about 6 hours a week, which would basically account for that extra nanny day). We argued because apparently I wasn’t nice. We argued because apparently I told him he needs to spend more time with Baby MPB (which, for the record I never said).
We argued, both throwing out any attempt at having a productive disagreement. And, I hate it.
Mr. MPB was rather mad at me. And when he gets mad he’s known to get very quiet and ignore me. The silence kills me, but being ignored just pisses me off.
I’ve apologized as I know I was partially in the wrong. Yet, I was ignored. Needless to say my blood is kinda boiling again.
And as I type this, this is where things stand.
I know realistically we’ll attempt to talk when Baby MPB goes to bed tonight. Yet, I also know because we both have too much on the go that we’ll also both be at our desks working. And, I also know that even with just one kid, neither of us is enjoying our current schedule of evening work. As we are in the thick of a few bad weeks of work, it feels like it’s becoming all too common of an occurrence.
Balance feels like a dream right now. And I think that is the crux of our argument today.
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My Perfect Breakdown 