Mr. MPB and I had a very good heart to heart last night. We started talking about how my emotions around his brother’s pregnancy announcement was really the result of how I am still upset that we will never have the chance to casually announce a pregnancy because we will never be able to casually have a child. I’m upset right now largely because I always wanted 2 kids, and I continue to watch everyone else in our lives lap us in what appears to be a race I just cannot keep up in and really shouldn’t even be trying to participate in.
In the end, we talked about pretty much everything important to us right now:
- What do we each really want in life?
- What type of lifestyle we really want for Baby MPB? And for us?
- How much debt are we really comfortable carrying?
- What does it really mean for Baby MPB’s life to have a sibling or to be an only child?
- How we survived 5 miscarriages together, and what that felt like for both of us.
- Can we ask some else to potentially have a miscarriage on our behalf, or worse have a complicated pregnancy with potential unspeakable consequences? Can we both stand by and watch someone, even if they are a perfect stranger, suffer for us? If I wont do it again, is it even fair to ask someone else to do it for us?
- Can we/I even handle a pregnancy for 9 months?
- Do we really need 2 children? Just because it was the dream way back when, do we still need to sacrifice everything for it, especially considering everything we’ve been through just to get to having one?
We had a really good conversation about the possible embryo adoption. Clearly we are both honoured that people trust us with these tiny lives, beyond honoured actually. But, we also both agree that at this point in time we are not ready for a second child. That’s not to say we never will be, it’s just saying we both know we aren’t ready to try today or tomorrow.
In the midst of this conversation Mr. MPB said a few other things that really struck me. First, which I already knew, he’s okay with having an only child. To essentially quote him, we already took 1 giant leap of faith when we chose international open-adoption and asides from the cost, it worked out pretty much perfectly when we got Baby MPB. So now, having Baby MPB and you is perfect for me – you two are really all I ever need. He also stated that he really doesn’t really want to have stand by and watch another person potentially have a miscarriage again (or worse), watching me go through it time and time again was the hardest thing he’s ever been through so signing up to potentially do it again is pretty low on his to-do list. This of course meant we talked about our losses, and while using a gestational carrier doesn’t guarantee another miscarriage, the fact for us is that we pretty much only know miscarriage so that’s where our minds go. We don’t have personal experience with 9 months of successful pregnancy so no matter how we look at it, we are tainted by our past experiences. And we are petrified of the possibility of having to get through 9 whole months without loosing our minds. So, for him, the thought of going into another pregnancy, and living through all that all over again, just isn’t something he’s keen on doing. And, mostly he just wants to get on with living life again, he’s ready to put all that pregnancy loss stuff behind us.
And mostly, once Mr. MPB shared all of this, he shared that if I really want to essentially remortgage our house to try the donor embryo’s with a paid gestational carrier we can probably find a way to do it. But, it’s really not his preference. At least not right now.
And I have to admit, the one thing we both agree on is the idea of getting on with life and just enjoy what we have sure sounds great to us right now.
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We were out and about as a family the other day running a few errands. Our day was going well, until we stopped at a red light at an intersection we both hate because it is so poorly designed.
Needless to say, the guy behind us chose not to stop at the same red light. And so we were rear ended.
I freaked out. Not at the other driver. Not about my car. I could have cared less about my car. The guy who hit us was nice enough as there wete no issues with him taking responsibility or anything like that.
I freaked out because Baby MPB was in the car. My gosh, Baby MPB!! I went straight into crazy mamma bear mode.
Needless to say, I was on the phone to 911. An ambulance was at the scene within moments. In fact, so were fire and police.
One of the paramedics went straight over to Baby MPB, still strapped into his car seat with Mr. MPB sitting with him. I was too afraid to take him out incase somehow that could cause further injury. They inquired into whether or not he’s always this quiet – why yes, he his – he’s shy when we are out an about, and usually doesn’t say a peep.
The other paramedic was with me as I was standing on the road with tears rolling down my cheeks,
I know I’m probably over reacting and wasting your time, I’m pretty sure he’s fine, but I just need to KNOW he’s fine. He just cannot be hurt, he’s too young and still so little.
The paramedics said Baby MPB was just fine, but if anything was concerning to take him straight to the hospital or our family doctor. They also commented at how well secured he was in the car seat – thank god Mr. MPB put him in that seat so snug and safely!
In the end, I think they spent more time trying to calm me down then anything else. Honestly, I’m still worked up over this. I can still feel the heightened tension in my neck and shoulders. I know Baby MPB is fine, but it was a real near miss/what if moment that has rocked me to my core. I have tears in my eyes just writing this and thinking about it again. I am still feeling deeply unsettled.
.
As for damage to the car, there is none. Seriously, NONE. I ended up calling an ambulance, fire and police to an intersection for a teeny tiny bump. And, you know what, I’m completely okay with that.
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My Perfect Breakdown 