Yesterday Baby MPB and I spent some time at a local children’s play area.
At first, it was just the two of us. Which meant, Baby MPB had the entire area to play. He’s turning into a little climber, so he climbed stairs. He found a tunnel to crawl through, and he attempted to walk between random animal shaped play things (not sure how to describe them, one was a giant hippo and one was a giant lion, both made out of some sort of shiny plastic. Regardless, their design is not the point).
Eventually we were joined by other families. Presumably the parents were doing exactly what I was doing, letting our children burn off some excess energy playing in a warm indoor space.
And then it happened – it being today’s point.
An older boy, maybe 3 or 4, started playing with Baby MPB. Baby MPB followed him around and laughed at every single thing he did. He sat and watched him jump up and down for 5+ minutes. The older boy clearly attempting to elicit laughs from Baby MPB and Baby MPB loving every single second.
As I stood there watching, I felt tears in my eyes. This is why parents have 2 children (or more). This is why people sign up to fight the infertile battle for a second child. I get it, I really do.
The other boys mother eventually said it was time for them to leave. As the mother began getting the younger sibling (maybe 6 months old) ready the older boy begged to stay “please mom, can we stay a few minutes longer? I’m playing with the baby”. The mom said they had to go. The older boy looked devastated as he put on his shoes and Baby MPB he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to his new friend. Baby MPB tried to follow his new friend out of the play area, of course I stopped Baby MPB and so their playtime ended and shortly thereafter Baby MPB I went home for the evening.
Honestly, to see the joy in Baby MPB’s eyes was a double edged sword. Anytime I see him smiling from ear to ear and laughing from the depths of his soul, I cannot help but smile and be thankful for these precious moments. And at the exact same moment, my heart broke, because we just are not in a situation to give him a sibling.
And that, my friends, breaks my heart. Not just for me, but for Baby MPB who will not grow up with a best friend and playmate. I cannot change our reality, at least not right now (and I also know I may never be able to) but my heart longs for another child and probably always will.
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Since I realized I haven’t read any books in months I’ve been racking my brain trying to remember the last real book I read. I think I may have read one last summer while camping. But I don’t have a clue what book I would have read. Before that, I have no idea.
Anyway, I finally read a book!
After my post a few weeks ago, I saved multiple books to my amazon cart. I decided to start with buying one, and only one. I didn’t want to buy 10 books to put on a shelf and stare at for the next 3 years (as is my tendency). So, that meant I had to narrow down my selection to one. I will say, I much prefer book shopping in real-life. I love picking up books, reading the backs, collecting them while I shop and then selecting from my picks before buying. Amazon just isn’t the same experience, but it sure is convenient. Anyways, I digress (as I do from time to time).
Ultimately, I decided When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi would be my first book in an embarrassingly loooong time. I am not going to provide a book review, because those exist all over the internet, but I will say it was a fantastic read. Thank you for those who recommended it to me! I read it over two evenings after Baby MPB went to bed. I actually made a conscious choice to stop reading on night one because I knew I was hooked and I’d be willing to stay up way too late reading. So, I saved half the book for the next night. I will admit I made it through night one without any tears, but I did not make it through night two. In fact, there was steady stream of tears as I finished the book.
It turns out it’s pretty easy to read a book after Baby MPB goes to bed. Yes, I cannot watch TV as easily (or at all) nor can I play mindless games on my phone. But, I feel so much more satisfied spending my spare hours reading. So, maybe reading a second, third and fourth book will be in my future as long as I do it once Baby MPB is sleeping. Curling up on the couch under a warm blanket to reading a good book with a glass of wine after the baby goes to bed, actually sounds like a lovely evening to me.
And more then anything, this book was the perfect book choice for me right now because it wet my pallet. It reminded me why I’ve always loved books. It re-awoke my passion for reading.
So, I guess that means I have to head to a book store to find my next book, so I can enjoy the full experience of book shopping. I’m sure I’ll stop by the kids section first, but I am determined to spend some time looking for a book for me too. I’m still eyeing Drunk Mom, but who knows what I’ll come up with when I wonder around the store.
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My Perfect Breakdown 