Tears In My Eyes

Yesterday Baby MPB and I spent some time at a local children’s play area.

At first, it was just the two of us.  Which meant, Baby MPB had the entire area to play.  He’s turning into a little climber, so he climbed stairs.  He found a tunnel to crawl through, and he attempted to walk between random animal shaped play things (not sure how to describe them, one was a giant hippo and one was a giant lion, both made out of some sort of shiny plastic.  Regardless, their design is not the point).

Eventually we were joined by other families.  Presumably the parents were doing exactly what I was doing, letting our children burn off some excess energy playing in a warm indoor space.

And then it happened – it being today’s point.

An older boy, maybe 3 or 4, started playing with Baby MPB.  Baby MPB followed him around and laughed at every single thing he did.  He sat and watched him jump up and down for 5+ minutes.  The older boy clearly attempting to elicit laughs from Baby MPB and Baby MPB loving every single second.

As I stood there watching, I felt tears in my eyes.  This is why parents have 2 children (or more).  This is why people sign up to fight the infertile battle for a second child.  I get it, I really do.

The other boys mother eventually said it was time for them to leave.  As the mother began getting the younger sibling (maybe 6 months old) ready the older boy begged to stay “please mom, can we stay a few minutes longer?  I’m playing with the baby”.  The mom said they had to go.  The older boy looked devastated as he put on his shoes and Baby MPB he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to his new friend.  Baby MPB tried to follow his new friend out of the play area, of course I stopped Baby MPB and so their playtime ended and shortly thereafter Baby MPB I went home for the evening.

Honestly, to see the joy in Baby MPB’s eyes was a double edged sword. Anytime I see him smiling from ear to ear and laughing from the depths of his soul, I cannot help but smile and be thankful for these precious moments.  And at the exact same moment, my heart broke, because we just are not in a situation to give him a sibling.

And that, my friends, breaks my heart.  Not just for me, but for Baby MPB who will not grow up with a best friend and playmate.  I cannot change our reality, at least not right now (and I also know I may never be able to) but my heart longs for another child and probably always will.

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23 Comments on “Tears In My Eyes

  1. I have tears in my eyes reading this. There are so many emotions that center around adding a member to a family that I never realized until Luke. I know being realistic about baby MPB having a sibling is the right thing to do but I can understand the longing to add another you describe. Sending love to you!

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  2. Oh Friend, I am sorry. I wish I had the perfect words to help you. I get it. I don’t know that A will have a consistent sibling. She’ll have foster siblings for sure, but the window is quickly closing on us for pursuing more fertility treatments as I won’t put my body through it anymore once I turn 41 and the most we can do is IUI’s. I also don’t know that we’ll adopt through an agency again. We may, but I don’t know for sure, and right now, we’re thinking that we won’t. Most likely, if she ends up with a sibling, it’ll be through adopting through the foster system. Unfortunately, her youngest close cousins are about to turn 8 so nothing there either. When I was little, I had several cousins the same age or within a year of me.

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  3. Infertility and its scars make the inflicted weak and little little things begin to matter that otherwise the fertile wouldn’t even realise or feel. I am so sorry you feel all these feelings. I remember you in my morning prayers daily for a miracle your way…

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  4. I’m sorry that it was such a bittersweet moment. I can only hope that some day we will be able to give Cadence a sibling, but obviously it’s not guaranteed. I feel like we got lucky with her, and I worry that it won’t happen again. I don’t have any words that I feel will help your heart feel better, but please know that I do at least somewhat understand, and I know what it feels like to desperately want a sibling for your child. I hope at some point in time all the things in the universe align so that your dream can come true so that your heart can be at peace and happy. *hugs*

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  5. I cannot imagine how said it makes you feel because I have never been in your situation. What I can say is, you don’t know that God won’t give you another child, one way or another (have you considered international adoption? I’m so sorry if I’m being nosy or inappropriate). Maybe your future holds a sibling for baby MPB. And, if it doesn’t I’m sure he will be fine. He has amazing parents, which is more than some children can say. I know a lot of people who don’t have any brothers or sisters and grew up just fine. With that said, I really hope, from the bottom of my heart, that another child is in your future, so you can feel that whole. I wish you all the best. xo

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  6. I grew up as an only child, and I didn’t long for a sibling. (My mom actually did remarry and have two more kids when I was a teenager, but it’s not the same as growing up together). I really cherished the one on one time I got with my mom and dad (they divorced when I was young, so it really was one on one!). There is something to be said for not having to share your parents attention ;). I really and truly enjoyed being an only child. I felt loved and important. I had friends, I was busy, and I grew up just fine. I don’t say any of this to take away from how you are feeling, but rather to shed a bit of light on what it can be like to grow up as an only child. I get the feeling that your son will have more love than he knows what to do with, and he will be just fine. ❤

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  7. I so totally understand this. We are still in the belly of the beast with trying for a second and there are some days where I just think it would be so much easier if we just stopped. We have a perfect child. And then there are days where the want for a second hurts so bad it stops me in my tracks. Sending all my love ❤

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  8. I totally get this. We go through the same thing with Charlotte every time she’s around other children. She is in LOVE with other kids. It tugs at my heart every single time. (OMG you should have seen her chasing after every big kid at the zoo last weekend yelling, “BABY!”) However, I was an only child and I never felt that I missed out on anything by not growing up with a sibling. I had friends. We played. It was truly never an issue for me, and I believe it won’t be an issue for Charlotte, either. Soon, our littles will be surrounded by other children at school and daycare. They will have lots of best friends and an endless supply of playmates. They’re going to be okay. I think we need to worry more about our hearts than theirs. ❤

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  9. We are not able to have any more either and I feel so like you. I love to see T playing and laughing with her friends on play dates and always feel so sad when they are over and she is back to just us two again. She is growing into such a well rounded girl though I sometimes wonder if the longing for a sibling is really just for me.

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  10. I felt a similar pang just a few days ago. We were at a children’s museum and I watched just how happy Baby O was with the other babies and toddlers and I thought there is a good chance she will never have a sibling. I try so hard to stay in the moment in these situations and just experience the joy she has playing with these other kids in that particular moment but it’s not always easy.

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  11. Oh my friend, you know I know this urge so well. I will tell you that my very favorite and happiest and most amazing little 6 year old (my best friend’a kid) is an only child and his Mom who wanted another has realized over time that the desire is often more hers than her sons. He has so many friends and gets so much love and attention from Mom and Dad. Still– lots of love to you. Who knows what the future holds. Xo

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