Not Ready To Make Nice
I have debated immensely about sharing this. I have even considered writing my first ever password protected post.
But in the end, I’ve decided just to share what’s on my mind, for better or worse. Because life isn’t perfect, and I’m not about to pretend that it is.
Mr. MPB and I had an argument. As far as I’m concerned it’s the worst argument we’ve ever had. I am more hurt, upset and disappointed and even angry, then I’ve ever been before as a direct result of Mr. MPB. I’m not used to feeling this way because of him. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way because of him.
I’ll back up, and tell the story.
I contacted a breeder about putting our names on her list for her spring 2018 litter. This was the timing Mr. MPB had agreed to.
We hit it off instantly – as in, she’s the absolute favourite breeder that I’ve spoke with in the last few weeks. We share the same name, so I’m really not surprised we hit if off. Anyways, I told her all about us, the loss of Dog MPB and our family. I also was fully upfront about the fact that I want a puppy yesterday and my husband isn’t ready yet and I asked her about her policy if my husband still isn’t ready in the spring – can we just move our names onto the fall 2018 wait list. We had a great conversation. But then she surprised me by informing me that due to a death in a family, she has an 8 week old girl puppy available immediately. She sent me pictures. I fell completely and utterly in love.
Mr. MPB said no. And simply wasn’t prepared to discuss anything further – his answer is final on this one. There was no discussion and there was no compromise.
I had to tell the lady that we will not accept this dog into our home. A heartbreaking conversation to have while out of town at a clients office. There’s nothing quite as horrible as saying we wont open our hearts and home up to a beautiful puppy in need of a family.
While I was incredibly hurt and upset that he said no. The real problems for me came after he said no, when we were finally able to talk.
He proceeded to tell me I was mean for showing him puppy pictures and that I was making him feel bad for saying no. Strike 1. It’s not my fault he said no. And up until this point in our marriage we have always talked about this together, so why wouldn’t I tell him about the puppy and show him the pictures?
He then thought it appropriate to tell me he actually doesn’t want a new puppy until Little MPB is 3 or 4 so evidently I should be grateful he’s even willing to negotiate consider one in the spring. And everyone on my blog agreed that a puppy in the winter isn’t best, so it’s not like he’s wrong for not wanting a puppy now. Strike 2. In all our future dog discussions has never told me he wanted to wait a few years, I’m not psychic and it’s definitely not a negotiation when you don’t even tell the other party. And also, I’m pretty sure at least a few people agreed with my desire to get another dog sooner rather then later. And, since when do we use my blog in arguments?! (I love you all, and I love this space, it is never okay to use this space against me).
Lastly, he told me I seem to have just gotten over Dog MPB and seem to not care about her anymore. Strike 3. He crossed the line. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t missed Dog MPB. There hasn’t been a day that I wonder if we should have tried to treat her illnesses. It’s been almost 2 months since she died, and I’ve moved from daily cries, to crying a few times a week. I miss her so freaking much. A new dog will never replace Dog MPB, but a new dog may help fill in the dog shaped hole in my heart that hurts so very much. Maybe for me, this is tied to the loss of 5 babies that I cannot ever fill the holes of? Maybe this is tied to seeing Little MPB love for all puu-pys? Maybe I’m just pissed that he’d criticise how I grieve the loss of Dog MPB, especially after all we’ve been through? Maybe it’s the coincidental reminder that Mr. MPB’s words triggered, of years ago when my best friend screamed at me in the high school hallway that it’s time to get over the fact that your mom and sister died and move on already. (As a quick aside, I never really spoke to her again after that, but with age I realize she was just a 14 year old having absolutely no idea how to support another 14 year old going through such tremendous loss). Maybe it’s just that I’m just a dog lover, and always have been? I don’t know, but I know that my heart hurts that I had to say goodbye to Dog MPB way to early and this comment felt like a low blow that was just intended to hurt me for the sake of hurting me and winning an argument.
Honestly to make this all that much worse, we had this argument while I was just starting a few hour drive home from a meeting. I ended the conversation as it simply wasn’t safe for me to this upset while driving late at night – I was literally vibrating my emotions were so high. When I got home, I chose not to say anything. He proceeded to tell me that if I was going to be this mad at him then I should just get the dog and he’ll find a way to deal with having a dog in the house that he doesn’t want – ya, right, like I’m about to get the dog at this point. Then he told me it wasn’t appropriate to give him the silent treatment – I’m not saying it’s right, but I am so upset that I cannot even form a sentence using nice words at this point (and I did point out that he recently gave me the silent treatment for 4 or 5 straight days, but apparently that was different).
It is now the next day and I’m still not even at the point where I trust myself to have a conversation about this with Mr. MPB.
Am, I being slightly irrationally angry? Maybe. But, I don’t always have to display my emotions perfectly – I’m not a saint and I’m so not perfect. I’m just me. With tears of sadness running down my cheeks.
Yes, we will get through this. And even in my anger at the moment, I recognize that I’m probably pretty lucky that our largest ever argument is over a dog.
But, even so, as the Dixie Chicks say, I’m not ready to make nice.
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