Tomorrow marks 3 months since I officially resigned from my job.
3 months, since I officially left my career to focus on our family.
3 months, since I admitted to the world that I couldn’t do everything.
Well, 3 months later, we are not pregnant which is starting to drive me crazy and is starting to make me worry about other possible infertility problems (i.e. scar tissue from 2 D&C’s).
And, 3 months later, at times I am rather stressed and lost without my career and its associated daily routine. I make an effort to stay in touch with some colleagues and close friends in industry, and work very hard to keep myself occupied on a regular basis.
But, rather than dwell on some of the negatives associated with not working, I thought today I’d share my favourite thing about not working 60-70+ hours a week in a high stress position with an at times not nice employer.
My absolute favourite thing about not working is my new found relationship with:
Photo Source (Adapted from original): Office.com Clip Art
Sleep makes me so happy that I’ve thought about trying to take a happy day photo of it, but I honestly don’t know how because it would be so hard to photograph since I would be asleep. Oh, and it probably wouldn’t be a very attractive photo and not really the type of photo I want to use to give away my identity. Anyways, I digress.
For the first time in what feels like years, I am not waking up at 5:30am to be in the office by 6:30am. I am not waking up in the middle of the night having a virtual panic attack over what didn’t get finished the day before when I left after 12 hours at my desk. I am not waking up in the morning worried about what my inter-office politics are going to drive me crazy that day. I am not worried about my utilization rate. I am not worried about winning a new project. I am not worried about hiding a high risk pregnancy. I am not worried about attending an upcoming out of town meeting, while not being allowed to travel outside of the city due to a high risk pregnancy. I am not trying to balance my work commitments with multiple medical appointments, counsellor appointments, miscarriages, narcotic pain medications, surgeries, exploratory procedures, and constant blood work, etc.
More often than not I can now sleep through the night (so long as my husband’s snoring doesn’t wake me up).
More often than not, I no longer set an alarm clock. My body generally wakes me up around 8am. And if for some reason I find myself very tired during the day, I may just have an afternoon nap.
So, if nothing else, my break from work has been worth it because I’ve learned to sleep again.
And, let me tell you, being able to sleep through the night means I am less tired then I was on an almost daily basis when I was working and not sleeping.
I never knew I’d think of sleep as a huge success, but honestly, right now it’s a huge success that will have tremendous payoff in my personal life and hopefully in our next pregnancy.
And, if I’m really lucky, when I do eventually return to professional full-time employment, my ability to sleep will continue as I will have learned to effectively practice stress management techniques and will also know how to lead a more balanced life.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
What if my sister were still alive? Would we see each other once a week? Would we chat on the phone all the time? Would we still be the best of friends? What would she be doing?
What if I had gotten in that car instead of staying at home because I was on crutches after getting hurt in a Backstreet Boys mosh pit a few days earlier? Maybe I would have sat where my sister was, and she’d be alive today.
What if we try another time? Will we get a healthy child, or will we just put my body through hell again.
What if I loved my job? Can I find a way to love profession? Can I find a way to make 7 years of advanced education worth it?
What if I could cry on my mom’s shoulder each time we’ve lost a baby? What if my mom could give me advice and share her words of wisdom? What if I could just have a conversation about the weather with my mom?
What if we didn’t adopt our lovely puppy 4 years ago? What if she were better trained and didn’t pull on her leash when we go for walks?
What if I didn’t steal my now husband’s keys the night we met? What if I didn’t force him to strike up a conversation with me? What if we never even met?
What if a guy paid more attention while he was driving? What if he didn’t miss a stop sign and drive straight into my family at 110km/hr?
What if we didn’t experience RPL, and we didn’t lose a single baby to miscarriage?
What if we didn’t get our lives organized before trying to have children? What if we didn’t upgrade (or downgrade depending on your perspective) to the family cars? What if we didn’t buy our family home?
What if…
There are a million what if’s. It is such a dangerous game to play. I game I refuse to play 99% of the time. I take every step possible to avoid the what if game at all costs
But here’s the thing about the what if game, if you play it honestly without glorifying the outcome, the answers can be scary. Here are a few examples:
What if we didn’t adopt our puppy 4 years ago? She would have still been rescued by our puppy adoption agency and she would likely be living with some other family who would love her to pieces. But, I would be lonely. She has kept me company through each miscarriage. Each time, once we are pregnant, she stays by my side sort of like my very own dog shaped shadow. She’s cared for me in the way that only a dog can.
What if I never went to that Backstreet Boys concert and hurt my knee? I would have had no excuse to not be with my family that day, so in all likelihood I would have been in that car. Likely, I’d be dead, my sister would be dead and my brother would also be dead. There simply wouldn’t have been enough room for all of us. So, my Dad could be the only one left alive.
What if we hadn’t experienced a miscarriage? Can I assume that we’d have one healthy baby by now? No, I cannot. I cannot even assume we’d have a baby. Maybe our child would have died later in the pregnancy and been stillborn. Or maybe we would have a child who is not healthy. The ideal world says we’d have a healthy baby, but who’s to say that we would?
So, here’s the thing about the what if game – it’s pointless. I can make all these assumptions about how life would have turned out, but honestly, we have no idea. We have no idea about the decisions we would have made under different circumstances. For example, if my mom and sister never died, who’s to say that I would have chosen to go to the university I did, which is where I met my husband and it was with my husband that we adopted our puppy? Just like the chaos theory states, I firmly believe that one small change in life, has the potential to affect every single thing that happens next.
Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art
And that’s why playing the what if game is not worth my time. The idea that I can calculate what would be if for one different decision or one different outcome, is just stupid. Life is too complicated to think one small change would not affect everything that happens next.
So, while in rare moments of weakness, when I think about how different things could be, I always remind myself that it’s extremely unlikely that everything else would be the same. And so while I may wish for changes within my past, I also realize that one, I cannot go back in time to make said changes and two, the changes would likely change my entire life course. And, as much as some of the things in my past suck, for the most part I love my life today. And in order to enjoy what I have today, I accept the past as just that, the past. I can remember, I can honour, I can laugh and I can be sad for what is gone, but I can also look forward to a life of possibilities. I choose to spend most of my time looking forward with hope and optimism. What do you choose?
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 