Well this sucks. 

(And that is using PG language compared to what is running through my mind right now).

Last night, I had a small amount of spotting when I went to bed.  So, this cycle is clearly a bust.  No need to contemplate when to pee on a stick anymore, as we are clearly not pregnant this cycle.  I will probably still confirm with a test, just because I now intend to drink copious amounts of alcohol this weekend and it is the responsible thing to do.

Oh, and for those keeping tack, that’s one for my dog and her ability to know more about what’s going on with me then I do.

Yes, there is some relief, because I know that at least I wont be facing another miscarriage.  I know that as long as we are not pregnant, we do not have to deal with losing another baby.  Yes, this is my silver lining – this is the best we get now after 5 consecutive miscarriages.

But, right now, that relief is drastically outweighed by frustration and my increasing anxiety. The only thing we were good at was getting pregnant.  And now we cannot seem to get that right.

We’ve made drastic lifestyle changes to improve our chances in the next pregnancy, and instead we can’t get pregnant?!  Why are we putting ourselves through this?  What’s the point. I just don’t know that I’m willing to put myself through IVF, considering we have been told that it is very unlikely to change the outcome for us.

I don’t know if there is some correlation to my husband’s broken ankle, but it’s been broken for 2 cycles now (with no signs of improvement, we find out this week if he gets referred to an orthopedic surgeon who will then put pins in – not the point, but just one more shitty thing we are dealing with right now).  I wonder if it could have an impact in that his body is working on healing his ankle and not making swimmers?  I don’t know, I’m desperate for an answer right now, and in my mind it seems like a possibility.

Honestly more then anything, right now I am so incredibly worried that there might be something more going on now.  We have never had 4 consecutive failed cycles!  (I know, this isn’t the case for most people going through infertility, and I’m sorry that I’m complaining about only 4 cycles, but it is what it is and for us its unbelievably unusual).  For us, the only part of fertility that we are any good at is getting pregnant (we clearly suck at staying pregnant).  And now that’s not working.

Could there be scar tissue from two D&C’s?  Or some sort of complications from multiple high doses of cytotec?  Could there be something off with my hormones?

What The F$!#!

All I know right now, is that at my next check-in with my RE (mid-September) we will be having a pretty serious conversation about this.  I need some answers (I find the irony in those 4 words, as I still have no answers for why we have 5 dead babies, and I thought I needed answers for that, but never got any).

I just don’t need the bullshit stress of getting pregnant in addition to being pregnant.  This is supposed to be our “stress-free” time.  If getting pregnant is now going to be difficult for us, I’m even more afraid of the actual pregnancy.  The statistics are just not in our favour.

And, now we have to seriously get our heads into the possibility of adoption, as the next mandatory weekend seminar is in October – and that’s just around the corner.  I thought we’d be pregnant by now, so we probably wouldn’t be considering the weekend course if we were waiting to see how the pregnancy would progress.  Instead, here we are with nothing and we’ve also wasted time taking a break from the adoption process.

Everything is frustrating me right now.

Anyways, there is absolutely nothing I can do about this cycle now that its done.  So, instead, I will pick myself up and move on to the next cycle.  I’m determined to find a happy moment today, I’m not about to break my #100happyday run on day 51, so I had better find something.  It may take some searching, but there has to be something good today.

Oh, and for the record, I will continue to hold onto my pop bottle cap, at least for a little while longer.  A little message of hope is always welcome in my world, even if it is just a silly message in a pop bottle cap.

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