The Question Has Been Answered

Well this sucks. 

(And that is using PG language compared to what is running through my mind right now).

Last night, I had a small amount of spotting when I went to bed.  So, this cycle is clearly a bust.  No need to contemplate when to pee on a stick anymore, as we are clearly not pregnant this cycle.  I will probably still confirm with a test, just because I now intend to drink copious amounts of alcohol this weekend and it is the responsible thing to do.

Oh, and for those keeping tack, that’s one for my dog and her ability to know more about what’s going on with me then I do.

Yes, there is some relief, because I know that at least I wont be facing another miscarriage.  I know that as long as we are not pregnant, we do not have to deal with losing another baby.  Yes, this is my silver lining – this is the best we get now after 5 consecutive miscarriages.

But, right now, that relief is drastically outweighed by frustration and my increasing anxiety. The only thing we were good at was getting pregnant.  And now we cannot seem to get that right.

We’ve made drastic lifestyle changes to improve our chances in the next pregnancy, and instead we can’t get pregnant?!  Why are we putting ourselves through this?  What’s the point. I just don’t know that I’m willing to put myself through IVF, considering we have been told that it is very unlikely to change the outcome for us.

I don’t know if there is some correlation to my husband’s broken ankle, but it’s been broken for 2 cycles now (with no signs of improvement, we find out this week if he gets referred to an orthopedic surgeon who will then put pins in – not the point, but just one more shitty thing we are dealing with right now).  I wonder if it could have an impact in that his body is working on healing his ankle and not making swimmers?  I don’t know, I’m desperate for an answer right now, and in my mind it seems like a possibility.

Honestly more then anything, right now I am so incredibly worried that there might be something more going on now.  We have never had 4 consecutive failed cycles!  (I know, this isn’t the case for most people going through infertility, and I’m sorry that I’m complaining about only 4 cycles, but it is what it is and for us its unbelievably unusual).  For us, the only part of fertility that we are any good at is getting pregnant (we clearly suck at staying pregnant).  And now that’s not working.

Could there be scar tissue from two D&C’s?  Or some sort of complications from multiple high doses of cytotec?  Could there be something off with my hormones?

What The F$!#!

All I know right now, is that at my next check-in with my RE (mid-September) we will be having a pretty serious conversation about this.  I need some answers (I find the irony in those 4 words, as I still have no answers for why we have 5 dead babies, and I thought I needed answers for that, but never got any).

I just don’t need the bullshit stress of getting pregnant in addition to being pregnant.  This is supposed to be our “stress-free” time.  If getting pregnant is now going to be difficult for us, I’m even more afraid of the actual pregnancy.  The statistics are just not in our favour.

And, now we have to seriously get our heads into the possibility of adoption, as the next mandatory weekend seminar is in October – and that’s just around the corner.  I thought we’d be pregnant by now, so we probably wouldn’t be considering the weekend course if we were waiting to see how the pregnancy would progress.  Instead, here we are with nothing and we’ve also wasted time taking a break from the adoption process.

Everything is frustrating me right now.

Anyways, there is absolutely nothing I can do about this cycle now that its done.  So, instead, I will pick myself up and move on to the next cycle.  I’m determined to find a happy moment today, I’m not about to break my #100happyday run on day 51, so I had better find something.  It may take some searching, but there has to be something good today.

Oh, and for the record, I will continue to hold onto my pop bottle cap, at least for a little while longer.  A little message of hope is always welcome in my world, even if it is just a silly message in a pop bottle cap.

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57 Comments on “The Question Has Been Answered

  1. Uh, well…I got pregnant my first time almost immaculately. Second time was the 4th cycle after my miscarriage, but it was a CP. Then we turned to fertility treatments (Clomid + TI, then Injectables + IUI) and did not conceive for 11 consecutive months–until we did an *unmedicated* cycle for my 6th IUI. Go figure. I will never know why we could conceive naturally but not with treatment. I feel your frustration, as infertility became an unexpected part of my journey. I’m newer to your blog–what have you been doing differently these past 4 cycles (treatments, lifestyle changes, etc.)? XOXO

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    • Thanks for sharing your history. I just don’t understand any of this infertility stuff – there just seems to be no logic to it and I really struggle with that.
      As for what we’ve been doing, the biggest chance is that I left a very high stress job where I was working 60-70 hours a week for an at times very not nice employer. We’ve also switched to a gluten free/reduced diet in hopes of calming a possible immune reaction.

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  2. Sweetheart… I’m sorry. I *feel* your anguish, I really do. I wish I could say something wise and comforting; I know nothing I say will make sense of any of this or make you feel better.

    So instead how about something practical? Do you see an acupuncturist or TCM doctor specializing in fertility? If not, I would highly recommend it. Hormones can go all weird after miscarriages and a good practitioner can really help. I know you’re not big on granola stuff generally but I *NEVER* got pregnant until I saw my TCMD/Acupuncturist and then was pregnant within 2 cycles. She’s been a huge help and the only professional able to tame my allergic reactions of late as well (which in Chinese Medicine are often hormone-related, by the way). She used to work near you or in your city (I’m guessing) so I can ask her for a referral if you need/want one? My extended benefits and my partner’s both include some coverage (a yearly cap) for acupuncture so if your husband has benefits his plan might cover it/some of it, too? Anyway, email me if you want to consider this. Or ignore me if I’ve somehow missed the fact that you already see someone in this modality or would never do so for your own reasons.

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    • I saw an acupuncturist and wrote a post on it – http://wp.me/p4qQfg-2p. Needless to say, I likely didn’t buy into it and then when we had another miscarriage, I gave up on it.
      As for TCMD, it’s about the only thing we still haven’t tried. We’ve talked about it, and so far neither of us have really bought into the idea. Maybe, it is worth it? I dunno. I kinda worry that if I go into it half-hearted, as I did the acupuncture, is there any point?

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      • Yes, I have no science to back this up but I think that if you aren’t open to any modality it may be of limited use.

        Have you read the James Schwartz book, the Mind Body Fertility Connection? I’m fairly confident you may balk at it or hate it but I really do believe it is very enlightening. And it has science in it!

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      • Thanks for the book suggestion! I can easily read a book and why not read something that might challenge my typical way of thinking?
        I still may take you up on the recommendation for a TCMD in my area at some point.
        Thanks again!

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  3. P.S. Ashermans (scarring in uterus) is not caused by misoprostol (cytotec). If you’re concerned about scarring from D&C, I’d ask your RE to do a SHG. It’s a little pinchy but it’s a good preliminary investigation of this, pretty accurate as I understand the literature and my two prior REs on the issue. I’ve had two of those surgeries as well. No scarring, thank God, but I had that fear, too. You’ve had implantation since then so they may say it’s not likely but peace of mind may make the pinchy saline test worth it? Meanwhile, sending big hugs and a big bottle of whatever moves you for your weekend exploits.

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    • Ya, I totally know asherman’s isn’t caused by misoprostol/cytotect, but in my ranting moment it was too hard to explain that my real worry is rooted in all the extra in-office procedures I had as a result of the misoprostol not working properally. And, I know that even that is incredibly unlikley to have caused problems. And, furthermore, the entire reason we did the misoprostol was to eliminate the chances of scarring as I am high risk from having had 2 D&C’s.
      Oh, and after the 4th miscarriage I had an SHG which showed absolutely no problems. So, I really have no reason to worry about this, but I just feel like something else must be going on if we are still not pregnant because this is just so unlike us.

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      • I am glad you have crossed that off. I suspect there is something else going on. But what could be something as smile as you have suggested – the broken ankle theory – or it could be that Murphy’s law principle or it could be immunological or it could be hormones. Or goodness knows. We went through a period like that after my first two losses too. Then came our miracle.

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      • We will see wht my RE says in a few weeks (although, I suspect nothing will come out of that conversation, other then he might suggest trying an IUI, and I’m not sure that either my husband or I are ready to start introducing drugs like clomid into my body just yet).
        Anyways, I hate not knowing, and this is just one more moment in the entire RPL road where I don’t understand something. It is driving me freaking crazy!

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  4. I’m very sorry. 😦 I hope you are able to get some answers or at least a plan that you feel is a good next step. ❤

    I hope your husband's ankle begins to heal more quickly too.

    Remember that you are not a statistic! Hold onto that hope because it's important! Hugs!

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    • Thanks so much. Your support, and the support of everyone here, is just so amazing!

      My husband should get results from his x-rays tomorrow, so hopefully we will find out if it has started to heal or if he is off to the surgeon. Here’s to hoping!

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  5. Ugh so sorry girl! I hope you get things figured out soon. I know it’s the ending of one cycle/starting of another so your mind is racing and your emotions are all over the place. TRUST ME I know that all too well…I was an emotional basket case on Sunday (part of yesterday) and a little this morning. In fact, I contemplated deleting my blog and not talking about anything fertility related ever…lol

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    • Thanks so much Elisha. It is such an emotional roller coaster! I feel bad complaining about 4 failed cycles, when I know you (and most people in the infertility world) have been through so many more!

      Please don’t delete your blog!! Your willingness to share inspires so many people, myself included 🙂

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  6. I’m so sorry hon. I know how hard this is. My hubby and I get pregnant within a month or 2 of trying too, but it did take us until the 5th cycle after one of my miscarriages. I think the hormones from miscarriage can throw things off for a while sometimes. As for scarring concerns from your D&C, I was worried about this too. I had a hysterscopy after loss number 3 because I retained productions of conception (horrible term), and I was told that I had very little scarring and no adhesion even after 2 D&Cs and a c-section. So hopefully that’s the case for you too. As for your hubby, I’m not sure it matters when they are sick or hurt. My husband was really sick with the flu the cycle we got pregnant with this pregnancy. I totally thought we would be out, but we decided to still try since he was starting to feel a bit better during ovulation and sure enough, it’s a good thing we did! I wonder though, is your husband on any pain killers? I think certain pain killers can affect sperm. I really hope he doesn’t need surgery! Sending you a huge hug hon. Enjoy the copious amounts of alcohol. Praying you won’t be able to have any for a long time very soon.

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    • It’s nice to know you understand why I’m freaking out over 4 failed cycles – it is just so odd for us that it is causing irrational doubts. Although, thinking about it, the 4 failed cycles does include our most recent chemical pregnancy, so if I look at it that way, and count the chemical pregnancy, then it has actually only been 2 cycles.
      And, as for the scarring. I know rationally this isn’t a problem. After our last real miscarraige (#4), I had an sonohysterogram, which ruled out any scarring or other issues in my uterus. So, when I calm down and think rationally, I know that this isn’t a problem. But, I just feel like there has to be a reason we are not getting pregnant, and this is all I can think of.
      As for my husband, he’s not on any pain killers or drugs for the ankle. The first weekend he hurt himself he was taking a few over the counter things, but now he’s not taking anything. Just minimal walking and movement. The two of us avoid basically all medications now, as we don’t want to negatively affect the next pregnancy.
      Anyways, thanks for making me think rationally and calmly about all of this. I do know most of my fears are based in irrational thinking (as I think most fears are), and I know that I really have no obvious reason to worry. 🙂

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      • I would count your CP hon. I know it’s hard to not worry, but I’m sure it will happen again soon. Hoping your body is just gearing up for a really strong O and that when it happens again, it will be the one. Hang in there!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Hope used to make me feel stupid, and stupid is the thing I hate most. It took me a long time to realize that hope is a profound act of courage.

    Don’t lose it. Keep that bottle cap.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I love the idea that “hope is a profound act of courage.” Thank you for sharing that saying with me.

      The bottle cap is safely sitting on a shelf, to be kept for the time being. Even my husband knows not to throw it out. 🙂

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  8. What the commonostrich said – that was perfect. I am so sorry, and I have nothing more to add other than you are in my thoughts. Oh, and I’m also super pissed off on your behalf.

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    • Thank you so much. I appreciate your support so incredibly much. My anger/frustration has calmed down, and I am starting to put everything back into perspective now that the raw emotion is dissipating.

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  9. I know how you feel. When we tried for #4 it took 4 months to get pregnant and for me that was a long time. I felt like such an asshole worrying about it but I wondered the same thing – scar tissue, bad hormones, etc. don’t feel bad for worrying.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing. I feel slightly crazy for panicking about 4 failed cycles, so to know you understand is awesome (although of course I wish you didn’t).

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  10. I’m so sorry. And I totally hear you. When RPL is the issue and not getting pregnant, it starts to get scary when it takes longer than usual. Two months down and I’m already getting irrational fears – scarring from the D&C or hysteroscopy, hormonal issues, or maybe just that I’m a year older than the last BFP. It’s like you start getting programmed to freak out, since nothing has ever gone right. But it doesn’t mean there’s any truth to it, and eventually it will all go right 🙂 Hoping next month is your month!

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    • Thanks so much for your perspective. There are so few of us that have experienced RPL, that I really appreciate hearing from you that my irrational fears are normal in our circumstance.
      Thanks so much, and I too am hoping your next one is the one! 🙂

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  11. You know what, I know exactly how you feel! After 3 losses in 6 months I knew that I could get pregnant but couldn’t stay that way. After the doctors removed the septum and I was “fixed” I can’t seem to get pregnant at all.

    Perhaps your happy moment today is realizing that despite everything you have been through you are not ready to let go of the hope that you will one day be pregnant.

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    • Thank you for sharing your experience – it helps me to know that my feelings are “normal”

      What an interesting perspective – I really hadn’t thought about my feels about wanting and hoping to be pregnant in that light. Whenever I think about being pregnant, I’m usually overcome with fear about another loss rather then thinking about the desire to be pregnant. I feel like you may have just motivated me to dig deeper into this….

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  12. Not sure we get to ever understand the logic or the why’s… I am so sorry this cycle didn’t happen for you. Sending you love, light, calm and healing. Much love my friend, Justine

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    • When I’m rational, I absolutely appreciate that we don’t get to understand the why’s in life. But, in the throws of an emotional breakdown – there is no chance I’m going to accept that.
      Thank you for your love, light, calm and healing. I am already feeling much calmer. 🙂

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  13. I am so sorry it didn’t work out this cycle 😦 Keep the bottle cap and your hope. Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  14. The mental stress going through this is the hardest and let it out is important. I am glad you are doing this and let hope be with you!

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  15. I think TTC is frustrating no matter how many cycles it takes you. When you want it you want it now and the disappointment is heartbreaking. Sorry it didn’t work for you this time but the great thing is that you can go again in two weeks. My cycle is annual so I see this as a HUGE positive 🙂 And my two cents on the adoption seminar, don’t go. There will always be more and if it’s one more thing that will add stress or upset then it can wait. We seem very similar and I know that timelines work well for me. Eg, I will try naturally until Xmas. Then I will do X, Y, Z after this time. I’m sure it’s of little comfort right now but the adoption stuff will still be there next year so there is no hurry while you are trying for number 6 – which IS going to be your magic number. Positive thinking and all that 🙂

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  16. Pingback: Our Weekend Away From Everything | My Perfect Breakdown

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